unfiltered

old oak tree

2011-09-21T20:51:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wish i was a tree. my hair and arms would be the branches and they would keep me cool catching breezes that float through the canyon on hot days. my body would be the trunk and it's scars and bulges would be seen as beautiful and strong because of the stories they hold and the secrets they've kept. my feet would be the roots. always in the earth. firmly. toes wiggling in the mud soaking up the first rain of summer. and i would see it all. the squirrels and birds and bugs and lightning and i would hear it all. and feel it all. and i could just be.

the neighbors hate us

2011-04-03T00:55:00.000-07:00

nothing like blue lips to make you fear death
and blood stains to make you realize life.
sounds worse than it is.
scared straight.
as usual.
but grateful.
i'm alive
and i'm supposed to be.

chance of precipitation 100%

2011-03-24T18:11:00.000-07:00

just one of those no good, very bad, hide under the covers, feelin' real ugly, cut up all your clothes kinda days.

i wish the rain would give us a break.

i just need a speck of sunshine so i can put on a flowery dress and some shit kickin' boots and make a little headway in my life.

i wish the weather didn't make me feel so...dreary. and drab. and useless.

i hope that summer brings everything i want it to. and the problem really is the weather. and not me.

2011-01-28T14:43:00.001-08:00

once every hundred years jesus of nazareth meets jesus of the christian in a garden among the hills of lebanon. and they talk long; and each time jesus of nazareth goes away saying to jesus of the christian, 'my friend, i fear we shall never, never agree.

kahlil gibran

i would like

2011-01-20T20:15:00.000-08:00

to reinvent myself.
go totally wild.
when i can't effect change in my surroundings.
i opt for changing myself.
healthy?

couldn't help it

2011-01-07T23:15:00.000-08:00

a bit missed

2011-01-05T23:33:00.000-08:00

writings & words that have been getting me through:

12.11.10

the mist
and crumpled bed linens
i want a rocking chair
and forty happy years
added to my life
so i can sit
and rock
and sigh
and rock
and look back on all the years
and smile with tears in my eyes
because i loved those years
even when life hurt.
and i won't fret then
like i do now
and maybe if i'm lucky
the hands i like to hold now
will be the hands i still hold
and they'll have changed
still strong
but wiser and wrinkled from use
and my own hands still small,
will be more spotted,
with fissures and bonier knuckles.
and they won't ache to hold on to the past
or tire themselves with trying to control the future
they'll just be
his hands
and my hands
and the rocking chairs
looking out at the mist

------------------

colossians 3:12-14

'therefore, as god's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. forgive as the lord forgave you. and over all these virtues put on love which binds them all together in perfect unity.'

what does this look like every day? when i don't feel like it?
when i read this before work i like myself better while i'm there.

------------------

lately i've been forced to think about marriage and saying forever, because i've very much fallen in love. sometimes i feel euphorically positive about the prospect, because i feel i've 'defeated' my past and 'growed myself all up' in the romantic love department. but the truth is i don't think we can. i think we can allow our past hurts to be healed and we can grow in that healing, but at the end of the day we're human and especially if your heart has been banged around a bit, it's pretty near impossible to never feel insecure or just plain terrified that this could all go wrong too. 'just like the others.' but every time i even start to think about sticking my claws out and poking holes in this new love, i am disarmed. and with every disarming the next attack my fears design feels weaker than the last. and i think that's a good sign. i sincerely don't know much about much, but it seems to me that a love worth fighting for isn't much of a fight. don't get me wrong...it can be hard, but the fact that i feel this safe even when i'm scared, well...that feels like truth to me.

-------------------

and then i re-read this from good 'ol kahlil gibran (on marriage)

'you were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. you shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days. ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. but let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of heaven dance between you. love one another, but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, even as the strings of the lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. for only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. and stand together yet not too close together: for the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not each other's shadow.'

and i kinda liked that. maybe more than before.

------------------

there's a lot more going on round here.
perhaps another night.

this year

2011-01-04T23:53:00.000-08:00

i want to be softer.
and quieter.
more careful with my words
and with my time.
i want to wear more dresses.
drink more water.
and run.
i want to learn to breathe.
cause i'm sure i've been doing it wrong.

and i want to see God in all of this.

x-rays

2010-11-30T14:14:00.000-08:00

looking inside me lately is scary.
tumbled mess.
the things i want are simple.
i don't know why i complicate everything.
i just get so lost.
and i worry about right and wrong.
and what God wants me to do.
and whether i just don't listen.
or if life is really just about living it.
you know? and loving. and peace. and stuff.
could it be as simple as i want it to be?
like paint on my hands and hot cups of tea.
leaves the color of fire around my feet and being held in
these arms that don't let go and remind me of Love
how it's meant to be. and this voice that keeps telling
me i'm doing...ok. just fine. just live, dear. it says.
just live.

oh!

2010-07-16T16:10:00.001-07:00

and a banjo!

just a list of wishes

2010-07-16T15:46:00.000-07:00

1. wurlitzer piano (preferably a portable one)
2. harmonica(s)
3. guitar (eventually)
4. many more notebooks (hell i'll settle for scraps of paper)
5. a dinner triangle (i'm not really sure why yet)
6. a nose harp would be fun if i had any idea how to work one (oh wait they have instructional videos on youtube...yep definitely want one! the guy that sold me had one rubber-banded to his face so he could play the ukulele at the same time)
7. any random form of percussion instruments. i'm going to start investigating thrift stores for options.
8. and some simple recording equipment (when i can afford it)

i've got songs pouring out of me into a tiny notebook that may explode if i don't just get to it. if i'm going to make music i'm going to have to start doing it myself. everyone is following their paths to different places and not that we won't continue to make music together when time and space allow, but these are my songs. and i'm ready to sing them.

here are two from yesterday(mostly unfinished...go figure)

untitled

waitin' too long
waitin' too long
you had me waitin' too long

i have a million tumbling
words for you some soft
some jagged as a rock

i have a thousand tiny
bruises on my skin
when i fell for you
i could not stop

untitled2

take flight little bird
i won't ask why
the moss grows thick
on the dark side

please hold dear
the things we learned
through tears and smile
for me when good times
come to mind

i won't forget
i won't forget

no blame for the things unsaid
and for years to come the
norfolk island pine will whisper
keeping secrets better than ourselves

so long
so long
so long, little bird

this guy...

i'm excited.

i will however miss being able to do this everyday...

whirlwind once more

2010-07-15T00:22:00.000-07:00

i'm going to make a life for myself among the trees. and the stars. and the birds. partially by choice and partially because i have none. i am overwhelmed. with fear. with excitement. with an incredible sense of gratitude and helplessness. humility and growing up are not lessons that come without strife. but there is joy too. and i'm just trying to breath and pack and fall in love all at the same time. so many changes. so many unexpected gifts in the midst. music, as always, is my solace. so this is for you. at night when there is nothing left to do but wait, harmonies like this make it easier to lay my burdens down.

the civil wars

Dance Me To The End Of Love

John Paul White | MySpace Music Videos

dance me to Your beauty.

in the woods the other day

2010-06-02T09:09:00.000-07:00

i found a unicorn.

pick up your crazy heart and try again

2010-05-21T01:15:00.000-07:00

here we are again. the striking of a million matches couldn't light a fire under me big enough to get me out of this chair. i'm too tired to be this young. too lonely to be this beautiful. but i've got an aching in my belly for something bigger. and god is telling me bigger is coming for a visit. no return ticket. and i think i'm ready now.

no such thing as a clean getaway

2010-05-18T04:01:00.000-07:00

tonight there is only sleepless wrestling and half a pack of cigarettes. and i know i'm gonna figure this out. and i'm gonna let jesus back into the fissures carved into my heart by my own fingernails. but right now i have to let the words on the screen swirl and blur with each involuntary tear drop and try to convince myself that it's ok to hurt this bad even if you don't feel a damn thing. i can't. actually. really. believe that you said that.

------------------------

ix said to me today 'good things happen slow, but great things. great things, caity, sometimes they happen fast.' and i want to believe that maybe that's possible. that maybe tripping over your lies and falling into his arms underneath the stars wasn't the worst thing. all i know is that he woke me up to the things a man should be. and he reminds me of someone i dreamed up once. and it's too soon. and it's complicated. and it's scaring me half mute. but my fingers still work. and my heart still wants to love. and i'm praying that i'm not too broken.

------------------------

no sugar coating this one, boys. i got canned today. i knew it was coming. i've been working for the better part of a decade and i've never come close to getting the boot. not so much as a threat. company policy. hhmmppff. my boss was sad about it. and told me she knew i had big things to do. and she's right. and i think maybe i needed this. and i know it's part of this life long lesson i'm learning about self-worth. and how i'm enough whether i'm stuck to my bedsheets feeling sorry for myself or working myself like a pack mule. so we're buying a van. me and three women who came into my life at just the right time. and we're gonna hit the road. coast to coast with as many stops as we feel like in between. no time limits save the end of summer. one guitar. one ukulele. one harmonica. one accordion. and four girls just trying to take a breath before they dive into whatever is next. i'm imagining it all in my head. starting to live the life i always said i would. laughter. tears. sunsets. wine. and sunburns. music. so much music. and running. and strangers. sleeping bags full of sand. late nights and gas station coffee. singing for pennies and smiling the whole time. i do need this. we all do. and the timing couldn't be more perfect. and i'm gonna write. and dance. and paint. and worship with what's left of my life.

amen.

my tombstone should read...

2010-05-13T20:24:00.000-07:00

being a fool for love ain't the worst thing a girl can be.

and if you know me...in parenthesis underneath it will most likely read 'and even though she's not really here, just her hollow bones and rotting flesh, said girl apologizes for her bad grammar.

hahahahahahaha.

2010-05-12T22:58:00.001-07:00

everyone tells me i think too much.

#@!%^

2010-05-12T15:49:00.000-07:00

damndamndamnit! shit.

what else am i supposed to say? i could probably string together a list of curse words a mile long that would make you wince and make my mother sigh a long sigh. cause i have to hate him after this. or at least forget. no self-respecting woman could...but i'm not a self-respecting woman. i couldn't possibly be if in this one. huge. important area of my life i have not only settled for less, but for neglect.

and i'm afraid because, even still. sitting here, the blood in my veins boiling hot enough to make my cheeks flush, there is a voice in my head that tells me i'm assuming too much. and it's his voice i think, because i know that's what he'll say if he's ever man enough to call. and i'll buckle just a little. and i won't close the door tightly. and he'll sneak back in. and i'll keep caring. and giving. and wasting my time.

band aid brand

2010-05-03T12:13:00.000-07:00

i just crinkled my nose and said 'ouch,' for the fifteenth time since waking up this morning. that's how i intend to deal with this. i don't want to cry. i'm not sure i even need to talk about it. whenever my heart hurts and misses what it shouldn't i'll just say 'ouch' out loud. i'll tell people i stubbed my toe. or cut my finger. and nobody will question it, because everybody knows i could hurt myself in a straight jacket. and nobody, including him, will know that what i really mean when i say 'ouch' out loud is that my heart is tearing and being sewn up all at the same time. and that in those moments when the circus of rips and needles is too much, i have to speak for fear that i'll stop breathing.

bruised

2010-04-23T11:13:00.000-07:00

wish there was something
i could say or do
i can resist anything
but temptation from you
but i'd rather walk alone
than chase you around
i'd rather fall myself
than let you drag me on down

it wouldn't have worked out any way
and now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day

i'll have a mark twain...on the rocks

2010-04-13T11:13:00.000-07:00

when i arrived home on a late night flight from new york city yesterday i was greeted by quite a pleasant surprise. a one alix miranda bollman had taken a hint from one of our favorite authors and prepared for me the perfect coming home present. a steaming hot bubble bath and a hand crafted cocktail. i couldn't stop laughing.

so you understand:

a healthful cocktail
(an 1874 letter to olivia clemens)

farmington avenue, hartford

london, jan 2

livy, my darling, i want you to be sure & remember to have, in the bath-room, when i arrive, a bottle of scotch whiskey, a lemon, some crushed sugar, and a bottle of angostura bitters. ever since i have been in london i have taken in a wine-glass what is called a cock-tail (made with those ingredients,) before breakfast, before dinner, & just before going to bed. it was recommended by the surgeon of the "city of chester" & was a most happy thought. to it i attribute the fact that up to this day my digestion has been wonderful-simply perfect. it remains day after day & week after week as regular as a clock. now my dear, if you will give the order now, to have those things put in the bath-room & left there till i come, they will be there when i arrive. will you? i love to write about arriving-it seems as if it were to be tomorrow. and i love to picture myself ringing the bell, at midnight-then the pause of a second or two-then the turning of the bolt & "who is it?"-then ever so many kisses-then you & i in the bath-room, i drinking my cock-tail & undressing, & you standing by-then to bed, and-everything happy & jolly as it should be. i do love & honor you, my darling.

saml.

my tall glass had everything save the angostura bitters, plus a little water, all in perfect proportion, and it was delicious. i'll have to get my hands on a bottle of the missing ingredient just for accuracy's sake and put it somewhere safe. and whenever i come home from a long trip, or whenever i come home and just need a 'cock-tail,' you can bet i'll be having a mark twain. most likely neck deep in bubbles.

the vanishing silence

2010-04-09T23:30:00.000-07:00

the more stoic of my two brothers just smiled in his sleep. and it made me happier in one brief moment than i've been in any single moment in a long time. before he fell asleep i heard much of what he had to say about the things that have been on his heart lately. the things he's been spending time thinking about. and the plans he has for the future. and i am so proud to know him. he makes me dream small dreams that have big implications. he makes me think harder about what i'm doing with my time here. and he wants his family to be a part of it. a part of his simple dream for a marginal society built on the things we so fervently claim to believe in and often fail to apply. there is much we have to learn. much we have left to work out inside ourselves. and these paths before us that we have to walk both separately and together, but it reignites hope in my heart. and in a world where we are robbed of hope daily, this is truly something to be grateful for.

'the real question is that of the power of some people over others. unfortunately, as i have said, i do not think that we can truly prevent this. but we can struggle against it. we can organize on the fringe. we can denounce not merely the abuses of power but power itself.'
taken from 'anarchy and christianity' by jacques ellul

you're not

2010-04-04T18:25:00.000-07:00

too good at this anymore girl. you're off your game or off your rocker. or just. plain. off. and what's worse is that you know it. and you watch yourself slip. and you let yourself settle in the dark places where your love is not reciprocated. climb out, kid. dust off the knees of your favorite pair of jeans. and stand. you're taller than this. braver. stronger. or getting there. at least.

--------------------------------

i shouldn't do that. hide 'i love you's.'

fill my lamps with oil

2010-03-08T23:28:00.000-08:00

when did i stop dreaming? like really dreaming. like, thinking of six impossible things before breakfast, dreaming? why am i so afraid to get what i need. to say what i mean all the time. i want to ask silly questions without answers. and let my heart love who it does. without torturing myself for what that love is not. be satisfied.

...............................

my irrational anger at the sound of your voice speaks volumes to me. you hurt me without knowing it. you hurt me, because i let you. and you're never any wiser. and i wish i knew what you are thinking when you stare. do you have a library full of words for me too? do you despise your own tongue for it's inability to move? am i beautiful to you? you've said so before. maybe not. perhaps i am convenient. or frustrating. or both. if i let you touch me would you leave? i hope you took me seriously when i said what i said between sips.

will you ever want to give me what you wanted to give me then, ever again?

...............................

i've discovered that it's nearly impossible to be a 24-year-old girl. woman. what?

when that sound

2010-03-03T13:50:00.000-08:00

comes
comes in from the outside
it makes me think of souls
flying up into the air
letting go
breaking loose
of their rigid bodies
their tired minds
and it makes me ache
and it makes me happy
and it makes me sink
deep into thought
and wandering dreams
and i know that i am lonely
that i don't fit my own skin
but at least i am aware
of the cocoon around me
and i'm ready to spread my wings

echem..

2010-02-17T12:47:00.001-08:00

why does this make me feel slightly vindicated?

count your blessings one by one

2010-02-07T21:36:00.001-08:00

'sometimes being a brother is better than being a superhero.'
-marc brown

parts of me are perfect

2010-01-19T19:31:00.000-08:00

in the shower today i placed my hands up against the mint green tile on either side of the window. the hot water beat down my back and soaked through my hair. the steam rose in billows as cold air seeped in from under the curtain. i watched what i could see of the backyard fade through the panes as they collected moisture. i don't have what you would call a healthy relationship with my body. there are parts of it i like. parts of it i hide. and parts of it that do an awful lot for little to no appreciation. but today as my eyes wandered back from the window towards ritual i caught a glimpse of the inside of my upper left arm. and the beauty of it stopped me. the skin there is unmarked and without blemish. droplets of water collected on every inch of my arm and my pale skin almost shimmered. i have moments like this occasionally. when i can see the veins in the top of my right foot that meet at a small freckle just below my smallest toe. or my ears when i tuck my now much longer hair behind them. small parts of me that still seem so new. small parts of me that i'm finally allowing myself to call beautiful. i pray i can continue to make peace with my body and her parts. or at least learn to more often acknowledge beauty in myself when i see it.

rain on my window

2010-01-19T15:50:00.000-08:00

days like today remind me of the months after you died. they were filled with rain soaked days and thunder storms. the gutters gave way under the weight of the flood and our driveway ran over with the streams it made. our small apartment fell silent on days when the wind blew the hardest and the rain fell relentlessly. i think we both thought of you a lot in those days, but words hurt when there is nothing left to say. it took a six pack and a late night under the awning for us to allow ourselves the tears and to speak your name. the rain fell steadily that day and we watched as the make-shift rivers of water made pools at our feet. we laughed at memories as we stained our cheeks and hugged each other when we couldn't hold ourselves up. i don't know if the rest is real or if i dreamt it or if it is some hodgepodge picture show from another night in the rain, but we kicked off our flip flops and jumped out into the storm. the tears on our cheeks mixed with the rain drops and we danced. steam rose from the pavement and i could feel summer seeping up from the ground. the shower soaked our hair and covered our bare legs with droplets. i felt like i could breath again. and i remember feeling so grateful.

a truce

2010-01-17T10:00:00.000-08:00

i didn't mean to start the nonsense of missing you again. but you've always made it hard not to miss...

your laughter. my fingers wrapped in yours. the innocence of warmth and company. a beat in my chest. and i sometimes marvel at how i lucky i am to have kept you.

you and i both know there are others. i can stand in one corner and take them all in. with laughter on my lips and a drink in one hand. unlike them i don't need to put my footprints in yours. i don't mind the dance we do in shadows. and i saw you watching when he asked for my number. i'll wait. i don't mind making new friends while you make up your mind. you always come around. our pride always melts. and when it's time to go. when the music stops. and when everyone goes their separate ways your eyes always find mine. pack up. crank a beat. watch the city lights move to the music. the light bends and swirls where dark alleys hide from it. and when we laugh for no reason i realize i'm in love with this place. with this time in my life. with these streets and your company. i like knowing that when the show is over. and our eyelids are heavy. we'll let ourselves be sweet to one another. and i won't fuss because i know i'll take you in any dose i can get. and nothing about this hurts because even i can see that the way you look at me. is the way i look at you.

it came!

2010-01-07T16:40:00.000-08:00

lomography diana f+. i'm looking forward to this.

ok so fine.

2010-01-06T19:32:00.000-08:00

i'll acknowledge the new year.

hi 2010. how are you. i guess it's neat that you're here. it's a little weird. but i'm sure we'll get to know each other quickly. i'm not gonna make you any promises or anything. about what a better, healthier, skinnier person i'm going to be. promises get broken. i don't like breaking things. unless i'm doing it on purpose. and then breaking things can be very fun. and freeing. anyhow. what i can tell you is a few things i'm contemplating and you can tell me what good ideas they sound like and we can dream up big plans, but we don't have to set anything in stone and that way neither of us are disappointed. i'm contemplating quitting smoking for my mom's birthday. it would make her happy. and i can't really shower her with gifts like i would if i could. her birthday is tomorrow. that isn't very far away and due to my rash decision making (how typical) i haven't really had time to adjust myself to the mindset of being a non-smoker. i'll probably be cranky. and cough up some pretty gnarly stuff. beyond that i don't currently have the desire to uncover the reasons i started smoking in the first place or held onto it so tightly for this many years. i essentially already know, but i'll get to that. once i get the goo out of my lungs, i'll get more of the goo out of my head. i'm also contemplating getting my papers organized. you know. bank statements. pay stubs. bills. debts. savings. etc. etc. real grown up stuff. i did that once for a little while. and it felt nice. so i'm playing with the idea of making it a habit or something. i bought one of those expanding paper organizing contraptions today. a step. honestly new year, i've got a lot i want to do. and am starting to. i just don't want to feel any pressure. life is so very sweet when i breathe. and let myself be just a little. instead of ripping my hair out over what i'm 'not doing.' i'm getting my camera. lomo diana f+. i'll think about starting one of the million photography projects in my head. i'll most likely continue to aimlessly browse thrift store picture frames for my hidden treasures. pictures of trees. and pictures of people i do not know. a wall of each. trees in my bedroom. strangers in the hall. i love what i have of the collections so far. i might walk more. and stop living in this body i don't recognize. but i would like to do it for me. and not a moment before i'm ready. but i'm ready. and as soon as there aren't four of us to one paycheck, i might stash some away to invest in other worthwhile things. i taught a customer's daughter how to make a mocha and how to make and activate whip cream the other day at work. it was the most enjoyable fifteen minutes of my day. i'm pretty sure i'll finish filling out the application to volunteer over at the alameda point collective. they have an opening for a tutor with some of their elementary aged homeless kids. i miss teaching. i miss learning from my students. they have a community garden. maybe i'll get my hands in the dirt again. that would be really nice. i just want this year to be memorable and not full of worrying about what it isn't. 2010 i want to let you be you. it'd be nice if you could let me be me and we could just go at whatever we're doing with purpose. laugh a lot. be spontaneous. love on people. create. you know. get where we're going, but have fun while we're at it. i just need to come at this lightheartedly. if i take you too seriously. well i might just explode.

a list of other things that i might do this year:

.keep my closet organized*
.give into the tattoo craving
.write a better story for myself
.contribute to other peoples' stories
.go back to school
.two words: road trip(s)
.two more words: smaller jeans
.write my grandparents letters
.keep in touch**
.read read read even more more more
.dream. design. and execute a mural. somewhere. anywhere.
.not beat myself up

*my mom sent me a neat closet organizer thingy. yep.
**i know. i know!

truth

2010-01-06T17:20:00.001-08:00

i am very weird.

i am especially weird when i am home alone.

i am home alone right now.

let's be honest

2009-12-20T18:26:00.000-08:00

i took this picture at an art show i went to a few weeks ago. i really only posted it today because i feel very ordinary. and plain. and boring and i think somewhere i must think that by posting this picture it'll make me appear more exciting. like i do things. like go to art shows in oakland. and drink the free wine. and see people i kind of know. and give each other a wave. or a head nod. or whatever.

blood will

2009-11-18T20:35:00.000-08:00

deny blood if the price is right
if the risk is too great
the chance to save face too high
if the payment brings enough pleasure
because it can't. won't.
refuses to see the end
when blood is all you got.
and its futile attempts
at kissing your ass
have failed to entertain
or protect its good name.

it's like

2009-11-12T14:36:00.000-08:00

stretching. and like getting ripped to shreds. and questioning how you've gotten to where you are. and who you really are. and what you stand for. and the kind of person you want to be. like wondering if anyone feels like telling the truth or hearing yours. and questioning whether friends who said nice things in the good times meant them when it's bad. and it's like getting to a place in your life where you really like yourself and then forgetting why. it's like refusing to see people as the sum of their mistakes. but acknowledging that we all make our own beds. it's like giving all you've got with the best of intentions and then realizing that for some people that will never be enough.

help

2009-11-01T08:15:00.000-08:00

i love november and leaves and cider and pumpkins and season appropriate poetry and naps and books and road trips and robes.

i obviously don't mind bad punctuation when i'm in a rush to say something.

i do however hate apathy.

oh and...

2009-10-15T17:47:00.000-07:00

thanks to two of my loveliest friends on the planet, who happen to be married, i had my hand at rekindling the creativity i've been hard pressed to muster and got a great new pair of boots in the process.

photographic evidence:

camel 99's

2009-10-15T17:08:00.000-07:00

it makes me sad to think i left this much time unaccounted for with words. it has been hard to find them. my life has in many ways been a whirlwind these past months and i am just now beginning to have the energy to come back to center. i don't have much to say to convey the chaos. or the joy. or the heartbreak. but i am willing to make decisions, however hard, to rebuild a life in which i am comfortable creating and dreaming and growing again. i've made nice with some beautiful new people who like having me around. i have my 'baby' brothers with me once again and am enjoying watching them become men. good men. and have also come to understand that people you love will sometimes do ugly things and it doesn't mean you have stop loving them. just maybe stop living with them. i've spent the majority of the last couple years feeling as though i am on the verge of something big. and as the pieces slowly start to shift and take shape in the corners of my puzzle-life i am feeling excited again. i'm closer to the edge than i was before and as long as i stay brave i think the things i am passionate about doing with my time here will come to be. and soon.

i'm thinking on a lot. and trying to keep my boots light.

cinnamon lies-finished and renamed

2009-08-31T15:19:00.000-07:00

so i finished it. my brother had a guitar part he could never quite put lyrics to. i sang him the start to the song i couldn't finish and in an hour we had this piece hammered out. it is special to both of us. and very personal. he really pushed me to be honest about my pain and it brought closure and bravery to a situation that previously had none. that fact is reflected in the last verse. he sings a beautiful harmony on both the chorus and bridge. we should be performing it live along with the other music our group has been working on very soon. recording in two weeks. eeep.

your liver and i

sometimes your lips taste like cinnamon
sometimes they taste like lies
don't tell me that there's no way around this
cause i've seen your insides and i won't settle

chorus:
oh he(she) looks at me
oh he(she) looks at me

sometimes the bottle gets the best of you
and the devil he is nipping at your toes
but i've never heard a sound ring so true
than when your fingers strike those ivory keys

oh he(she) looks at me
oh he(she) looks at me

bridge:
i think (i think) your liver and i feel the same
you've put us both (put us both) through so much pain
so go ahead (go ahead) drink your days away
there's got to be (got to be) another way

sometimes i can't make sense of the hold you got on me
and i've always wanted to keep that in
but someone we both know drug it out of me
and now its on the table not the bottom of the sea

oh he(she) looks at me
oh he(she) looks at me

sometimes your eyes burn holes in mine
maybe there's no way around it this time

what if

2009-07-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

i did what i want to do right now. what if i took off in a car full of nothing but good music and cheap cigarettes. what if i took a map, but never looked at it. what if i stopped at truck stops and made small talk with waiters and truck driving men. what if i fell asleep in the back seat with no one else around. what if i could let myself be carefree. i've had enough of trying so damn hard. i want to get on the highway with no clear plan. i want to drive to the ocean and go skinny dipping without blinking an eye. what if i did. what if i stopped at every bar and flirted with the cowboys in front of their girlfriends. what if i finally wrote music for all the songs in my head. what if i drank good wine in vineyards and got asked to dance. i want to climb mountains and sleep next to streams. i want to ride a wave again. when did i stop fully living. what if i stopped stalling. i want skylines and sunshine. i want to actually cry without making myself stop or worrying about how red my face gets. i want to sing until i run out of words and keep my hand out the window through every state. what if i never let anything pass me by ever again. what if i loved fully and without out fear. what if i worked an honest day again. like that summer on the farm. got up with the sun and went to sleep to the sound of crickets and porch swings. what if i picked up a paint brush again. what if i danced in every rain storm and laughed at the lightning. i think i'll be finished with this halfway living thing now. i think i'll drop the what ifs off the front of every one of these sentences. no matter how long it takes. what if. i want to wake up every morning with a purpose. with a clear head and clean lungs. i want to live out every day so that by the end of it my muscles ache and my mind is eager for dreaming. i'm going to. i will. if i don't i think i'll die here. young. and lonely. and half the woman i know i could be.

the list

2009-07-27T23:59:00.001-07:00

i'm afraid:

of growing up and being bored with life. of sitting across the table from my significant other and not having anything to talk about. or walking eight feet apart on the sidewalk. of not being able to laugh at myself. of never finding a love that lasts. or of not feeling secure in that love. of settling. of falling for you anyway. of my someday children hating me. of losing people i love to their pain and addiction. that recently i've compromised my values to make those around me feel better about themselves. of people meeting me and not recognizing god in my eyes. of never going after what i want most. of apathy. and procrastination. of wasting any day because each is a gift. and of letting myself chase after happy.

tales from the stoop

2009-07-19T13:27:00.000-07:00

since moving to the city i've spent a lot of time 'stoopin' it." this secondary space will strictly contain tales from my front porch. it isn't much. just more of my silly observations of life, love, and people.

laughing with

2009-07-17T21:17:00.000-07:00

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’re starving or freezing or so very poor

No one laughs at God
When the doctor calls after some routine tests
No one’s laughing at God
When it’s gotten real late
And their kid’s not back from the party yet

No one laughs at God
When their airplane start to uncontrollably shake
No one’s laughing at God
When they see the one they love, hand in hand with someone else
And they hope that they’re mistaken

No one laughs at God
When the cops knock on their door
And they say we got some bad news, sir
No one’s laughing at God
When there’s a famine or fire or flood

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke
God can be funny,
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious
Ha ha
Ha ha

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’ve lost all they’ve got
And they don’t know what for

No one laughs at God on the day they realize
That the last sight they’ll ever see is a pair of hateful eyes
No one’s laughing at God when they’re saying their goodbyes
But God can be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke
God can be funny,
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one laughing at God in hospital
No one’s laughing at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God when they’re starving or freezing or so very
poor

No one’s laughing at God
No one’s laughing at God
No one’s laughing at God
We’re all laughing with God

thanks regina. thanks quinny.

paranoid android

2009-07-16T01:10:00.000-07:00

it took me half the distance home to make sense of the sinking feeling in my gut. it took me half the distance home to realize what exactly my heart was doing as i watched you get smaller in the rear view. it took me half the distance home to realize that i wasn't getting sick at all. no not dying. but coming alive. like i promised you were so many days ago as you lay shaking in my bed. it took me half the distance home to be honest with myself. and realize that falling might not be the worst thing i could do right now. what's wrong with hope?

however false?

pent up

2009-07-08T14:34:00.000-07:00

i hopped a train to louisiana and i didn't think about you the whole way. i bit my fingernails until they bled. and i sang with a man who played the guitar like he was born holding it in his firm grip. i wouldn't let him touch me. i've never felt so alone while loving someone so well. and when my feet hit the bricks i thought long and hard about letting a street car hit me. but all i could see then was your face. and i hated you for being gone even when you're close. and being there even when i'm far.

-----------------------

i traced my fingers along all your scars. ones unseen. my favorites. the one under the left side of your rib cage with the ridges i love so much. the one above your collar bone that refuses to tan with the rest of you. the one down your middle. evidence that you've had every evil thing gutted from your belly and the only things put back in and sewed up were the good things. the beautiful things. like your green eyes in sunlight. like your strong fingers on pearly black and whites. like cigarette smoke trailing from your perfect mouth. your skin under water. or the sounds you make in sleep.

-----------------------

tip of the hat
top of the bottle
who wants the poison?
how do you make light
of shoe strings tied too tight?
make two bunny ears
one bunny goes around the tree
and into the hole
pull tight!
three times
i closed my eyes
loop swoop and pull

-----------------------

black curls shade blue windows to a soul less impure than she thinks. her heart bleeds gold. gold choked by neglect. strangled by fear and tempered by loneliness. but she shines in a dark room. questions her worth while proving it. and i wonder how i got so lucky as to share diluted blood with this broken angel.

the lost boys

2009-06-24T11:48:00.000-07:00

castles built in forests far away
hold crumbling boys inside crumbling walls
where water runs from old mine shafts
and carves fissures in the rocks
like the fissures in their hearts
they climb and hide and play all day
and hit the lip when life gets heavy
one more sip equals one less worry
and they don't have to think about us
or the things that make them hate themselves
every few days or so they miss the warmth
and we find them on the side of the road
borrowed communication, stolen ash trays
pockets full of change and half smokes
at least we understand neverland
and that lost boys never grow up

burnt toast

2009-06-13T16:47:00.000-07:00

don't do that.
don't be nice.
no airplanes.
no lingering hugs.
no sideways glances.
i can be your friend.
just not your toy.

cinnamon lies

2009-06-11T19:29:00.000-07:00

so someone stoked a flame and i had my hand at writing songs whilst driving on mindless errands today. i came up with a chorus. don't be too hard on me. the melody really is pretty. perhaps i'll track the song's progress. if i don't forget about it in the move. to the bay. in three days. holy smokes.

sometimes your lips taste like cinnamon
and sometimes they taste like lies
don't tell me that there's no way around this
cause i've seen your insides
and i won't settle

i like eddie murphy's laugh

2009-06-10T00:13:00.000-07:00

after two days of fever
did you wake up sober
and realize that i wasn't
exactly what you thought
or dreamt i was before
the alcohol seeped from
your pores and the parts
of you that thought
i was beautiful?
because my mind was clear
and i remember the details
the texture of your lips
all the games we played
and the pain you felt
that haunted your eyes
and i woke up in the middle
to make sure you were breathing
and let you squeeze my hand
when the pain was too much
you said you owed me your life
but i'd settle for a phone call.

nope. four.

new

2009-06-07T23:18:00.000-07:00

you walked back into my life off the side of the road. and perhaps i let go, because you called me your wife so many times i believed it. but even if i'm not. i don't feel bad for feeling good. about your skin or the way you looked me in the eye.

i'm thinking of a number between one and ten.

hindsight is 20/20

2009-06-01T00:22:00.000-07:00

i hate you. i hate that i don't. i hate second guessing and seeing your light through the darkness you put off. i hate that i got a taste of the person you are underneath your well constructed facade. i hate the half truth-bullshit-pride vortex in which we seem to reside. couldn't we just go back to that day on the tiles and decide to be friends? catch a glimpse of what we are now and conclude together that it would be better that way? then i could enjoy the person you are without being sore over your indecision and the omission of your life's details. your random contact gives me a buzz that's bad for my health. and i feel silly for feeling this way. for feeling anything at all. for spinning the lie that made you change your mind. but we can't go back. and i am begging the universe for the day i don't care.

i want to bleed. cry. laugh. and curse you out. and wash my hands of the mess we've made.

gonna need a shovel

2009-05-25T23:27:00.000-07:00

i've been waiting. waiting for the damn in my heart to break wide open. and i was looking forward to the tears. i was hoping that once they started they wouldn't stop. until i was done crying out the last six months. all the dumb decisions i've made. all the surprises. all the rejection. and growth. and anger. and joy. but they didn't come the way i expected them to. and they stopped too soon. the words came out of his mouth so fast in that moment of unjustified anger. and i wasn't prepared. it felt like a slap across the face. and the tears burned just as bad. my eyes felt the way i imagine the dry, cracked, desert earth feels when the year's first rain falls. unfamiliar moisture against my parched eyelids. and for a moment i thought i could let it all go. i thought i could sneak off to my bed and let the monsoon have its way. and he would be all the more confused as to why such a petty argument could send me reeling in pain. but it wouldn't matter, because i could get some healing done. i watched him shake his head from the corner of my eye at the silent tears streaming down my face and the muffled sniffles coming from the chair adjacent to his. and it was enough. enough to make me feel silly. enough to make me question the validity of my tears. and i stopped. like clouds taking back the rain. i shoved it all down deeper and dried my eyes.

life is

2009-05-23T16:07:00.000-07:00

beautiful
messy
exciting
excruciating
and full

i love the love, the pain, the friends, the loss, the mystery, and silver linings, the unexpected twists and turns, the things that make you live out your ideals instead of just talking about them, people who really care, and afternoons off. i love getting to know yourself all over again, the magic that happens along the way, strangers, and fresh flowers. i love god for this fractal we call human existence, for allowing me to get this far, for hope, and the ever waning fear that i am not who i am supposed to be. because he is satisfied with me just being who i am. and is helping me be satisfied too.

i tend

2009-05-18T14:12:00.000-07:00

to overreact and assume quite a bit. what can i say? it's my forte.

that's my 'oops' face.

laughable

2009-05-16T19:25:00.000-07:00

i may have given you too many points in the 'decent human being' category, but you definitely didn't give me enough in the 'not a dumb ass' one.

thanks for the memories

2009-05-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

i'm not
gonna get crazy
or act a mess
i am
gonna be fine
and friendly

and nobody (including me) will be any wiser

aware

2009-05-14T03:36:00.000-07:00

way up in the hill country
where the water runs fresh
and the grass grows green
where the air is clean
and the black top runs dry
where friends find tunnels
for fire, and music, and family
her eyes sparkle like stars
like stars you can see
before you reach the smog line
and then comes the concrete
and the man-made jungles
the familiar rug and resentments
and the true love friendships
that were formed before this bond
that somehow feed the black hunger
that now glazes her just-hours-ago
starry eyes and i am aware
aware of the change in my new friend
aware of her sunken-heart smiles
that even she can't explain
and i am aware, so aware
of how happy i want her to be
how clean, and safe, and happy

they're on to you

2009-05-11T14:44:00.000-07:00

give me a new face
like dillinger
don't change too much
just enough to fool the spies
remove my finger prints
so i can touch you
without being discovered
or named public enemy no. one

broken

2009-05-09T16:18:00.000-07:00

the center of my body is a black hole
it feels like some gravitational force
is eating my heart and my fingers and my toes
i can feel myself getting sucked up
right into the center of me
and i want to crawl out
to fling my arms wide and force the hole
to give me back the parts of me that are lost
and i want to be left alone
and i don't want to think about you anymore
and i don't want my stomach to ache so badly
i want to stretch my legs and feel the sun on my cheeks
to feel grass and dirt and bugs in between my toes
i wish that the tears in my throat would come unstuck
and that with the torrent every trace of longing
would be washed down the drain swirling twirling oblivion
i hate the complexity of human emotion and the passage of time
i hate that words can cut and crush and burn
and when said just right and at just the right time
they make me twist and change and lie
typing is now hard as my back curls under the force
the pull is getting stronger and i
am disappearing

clean your pipes

2009-05-06T20:58:00.000-07:00

i love

2009-05-05T02:15:00.000-07:00

battle rolls
getting the winning half of a battle roll
cigarettes (oh the shame!)
chipped nail polish (new development: i've let go of perfection)
learning new harmonies
books books books
sleepovers
having things to look forward to
getting my vampire teeth
and
making more of these lists
as i let myself discover

happiest

2009-05-04T17:04:00.000-07:00

of birthdays, my dear friend. i'm glad you were born.

we've been

2009-05-04T02:17:00.001-07:00

doing this dance for seven months
my feet are tired
my bones ache
my heart is raw
i see reflections of this story
in pools of barley water
and i realize
on a long silent drive
that i can't do it this way
and i won't
be untrue to the girl
buried underneath the lace
and pretense
and substance
and i won't take care of you
until you take care of me
and if you refuse
i will refuse

lucky

2009-04-25T22:04:00.000-07:00

i could live happily with your hands in my hair.

as green as

2009-04-23T05:42:00.000-07:00

the shoes on her feet
won't carry her
as far as
the illusions of
the life she lived before
she is the same in theory
opposite in action
it feels like a dream
or a deja vu of fear
from swing sets on
she made promises
she couldn't keep and
now that they're broken
she can't likely take
a step in the right
wrong direction while
investing in such
a ludicrous fare
and when the sun rises
and the birds begin
to sing aloud her song
she can't help but
sleep and shake her head
at the difference in her heart

stranger things

2009-04-22T21:05:00.001-07:00

pebbled steps
the sweet smell of
an unidentifiable plant
wooden boards
creek under our feet
as our laughter
spills
onto the streets
and the people below
weeds
as tall as your knees
spotted cats make their escape
iron clad backyards
and beautiful people
with tangles in their hair
and in their hearts
new music
on shiny discs
handwritten friendship
and time spent
on ancient flowers

covered wagons

2009-04-21T23:36:00.000-07:00

is there a word to describe the sound it makes against metal?

tink

tink

does not adequately explain the sound
of
the tap of the cigarette against the rim
or
the beating of my heart against your tin
exterior
inferior
feelings are against your pride

and is there a word for the invisible force?
or the sound it makes against flesh?

no.

most definately not.

maybe it's like magnets. or the pull of the moon.

and

as much as i love them. i've given up on finding the words.

the happiness equation

2009-04-12T23:14:00.000-07:00

an adorable apartment in a three story victiorian + a garden + a bicycle + public transportation + two of the most badass roommates a girl could ask for + a plethora of new possibilites

=

me moving to alameda in two months and one day!!!!!!! san francisco bay area, late nights, good laughs, great new friends, thai food, and independence here i come!!

life is good. and when you're not looking. and when you're least expecting it to. it comes together. the things that make me happy may seem simple. but maybe i am a simple girl after all...

this flower won't wilt

2009-04-06T23:50:00.000-07:00

for reals.

the air is warm tonight. fresh cut flowers in my hair. moonlight knives slice through the trees. i laugh at the bruises on my legs as i undress. evidence of my newly amplified clumsiness. i don't feel lonely as i light my candles. or turn back the covers. i don't feel lonely when i brush my teeth. or tune the radio to my favourite classical station. i don't feel lonely sitting on my bed writing this. or even when i think of you. that's not to say i do not miss you. and that is not to say that i am not fighting myself. every. step. of the way. my stubborn nature won't let me. let you. go. but. perhaps. for now. this few and far between. is for the best.

at least let me be your friend.

2009-03-29T21:17:00.000-07:00

damn. damn. damnit!

it cannot be this complicated.

what are the chances

2009-03-29T17:04:00.000-07:00

thought one:
there is some sort of biker rally in town. you can hear the hum of motorcycles up and down the streets of these mountain towns. driving home this morning after dropping rory at the tracks, i had several of them behind me. as others would pass they would wave to eachother. as if to say hi. i'm a biker. i see you're a biker too. we're all looking for unity aren't we? we all want to identify with something. even if it means identifying with other people who don't want to identify themselves with anything. as i watched in the rearview for the next wave, i smiled to myself and wondered why we all couldn't wave to eachother as we pass. to say hi. i'm human. i see you're human too. a drive-by-namaste. if you will. i giggled at that last line as i typed it.

thought two:
i find it interesting to take photographs of yourself at seemingly unimportant times in your life. like when you're thinking on a lot. or you have really heavy boots. or when things are just right. today i'm thinking on a lot and i decided to snap a photo to see if i could see it in my own eyes. i can.
can you?

ooo. postsecret sunday. i almost forgot.

sometimes the weepies

2009-03-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

say it for you.

when i get up in the morning, put the kettle on
make us some coffee, say hey to the sun
is it enough to write a song, and sing it to the birds
they'd hear just the tune, not understand my love for words

but you would hear me and know...
that i want to live this
i want to live
i want to live a simple life

i dreamed you first, but not so real
and every day since I found you, such moments we steal
like little thieves, we rub our hands
and hold our hearts between them

but will you hear me and know...
that i want to live this
i want to live
i want to live a simple life

move on, move on, time is accelerating
drive on, all night, traffic lights and one ways
move on, move on parking violations waiting
turn off the car, breathe the air, let's stay here

i'll kiss you awake, and we'll have time
to know our neighbors all by name, and every star at night
we'll weave our days together like waves, and particles of light

i want to live this
i want to live
i want to live a simple life
i want to live this
i want to live
i want to live a simple life

when you can't

2009-03-25T18:54:00.000-07:00

think of anything else to do.
remember your purpose...

we are about ending poverty, not simply managing it. we give people fish. we teach them to fish. we tear down the walls that have been building up around the fish pond and we find out who polluted it. we fight terrorism; the terrorism inside each of us, the terrorism of corporate greed, of american consumerism or war. we are not pacifist hippies but passionate lovers who abhor passivity and violence. we spend our lives actively resisting everything that destroys life. whether that be terrorism or the war on terrorism. we try to make the world safe as long as millions live in poverty so the few can live as they wish. we believe in another way of life-the kingdom of God-which stands in opposition to the principles, powers, and rulers of this dark world.

-the irresistible revolution

jump back. jump back. rewind.

2009-03-23T21:07:00.000-07:00

jump back. jump back. rewind. back to that part. right there. when i was new. and you weren't angry. with our simple unknowing smiles. your head tossed back. my hips around a beat. funny shoes. and wild hair. that room spun until it was empty. i didn't know anyone else was there until it was time to drive home. ink in your palm. ten numbers strung together to equal a voice on the other end. jump back. jump back. rewind. back to that part two. right there. two stools. two voices. face to face. that bar spun until it was empty. i didn't know anyone else was there until it was time to walk home. jump back. jump back. rewind. back to that part three. right there. ten digits had failed to equal a voice on the other end for too long. new year. not a new you. i saw you from across the room and swore then and there i could find your eyes in the dark. i was proud to know you in a room littered with strangers. i could feel your beats in my chest. that venue spun until it was empty. i didn't know anyone else was there until it was time to go home. you came with. and hugged me like you meant it. despite all the silence.

then it happened.

the split.

that part i'd take back.

that part that's made everything since then so muddled. like looking at something beautiful through broken glass. i'd apparently brought back a christmas package full of fear. and i opened it in my house. you stayed when no one else would have. i sat inside my unpacked suitcase. fourty nine across. four letter word for jail on the high seas. i took a polaroid of myself to see if i was still me. i'm surprised it didn't develop with the word 'liar' tattooed across my forehead.

and now i'm sitting here trying so hard to wrap my head around the two and half months since. around the last four days. and i can't. the glass is even more broken now. parts of it are ground as fine as sand by the passage of time and tears. and i wish more than anything i could take it back. not all the good, the bad, or the akward. not your laughter. just the parts where my pride had me in a chokehold. just the part where i lied. just the part where i became someone other than me while you were sleeping.

waiting is painful. forgetting is painful. but not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

the sound of your voice nearly broke me in half

2009-03-22T20:09:00.000-07:00

i betrayed myself too.

i couldn't be more sorry.

questionsfour

2009-03-19T19:16:00.000-07:00

smoke and mirrors
silver spoon spree
life in the shadows
of the girl she used to be
when did this start?
how?
how do you let slip?
why does his smile
flash
flash before her eyes?
why do visions of his and
the wave of his half open palm
ushering out his abuse
make her ache?
and is it sad she's still happy
or happy she's not sad?

i am mildly

2009-03-18T18:32:00.000-07:00

obsessed with melty beads and seeing what new creations i can come up with for necklaces and the like. today's creation for your viewing pleasure:

it is most assuredly not my best work and looks a bit like a baseball diamond. but nonetheless. go mets? and for the record: i do not wear purple polo shirts by choice. oh the hazards of job-mandated-wardrobes.

mirror, mirror

2009-03-15T17:15:00.000-07:00

on the floor. whose the most unidentifiable of them all?

sometimes she acts like she's seventeen again. like she'd do anything to herself on the outside to kill the pain on the inside. like she hasn't already learned the lesson a thousand times. that no matter what she does under the cover of night, the sun will rise bright and piercing and make it burn more in the morning.

i am

2009-03-12T00:34:00.000-07:00

many things. but among those many things. i am. enjoying my life to the max. i am a new dress. that looks damn good. i am early morning walks. to kiss the old man who died this week. the one i waved hello to every morning on my way to work. i am a sip of budweiser in his honor.

i am gearing up: for city life. for dressing like i want to. wigs. leggings. boots with socks that stick out. homemade jewelry. seeing bands every other night. being a few blocks from you. and your dog. and your kitchen. and your bed. and your movie collection. an apartment with the cousin in the heart of oak-eezy. for dancing all night. for feeling beautiful. for pbr. and tattoos. for a job that means something to me. and making cookies to pass out to people that ask for change. for thrift store t-shirts and new and used records. for discovering. and not feeling guilty. for knowing more of You in the heart of suffering. for living and breathing and loving every minute of this life.

i just got

2009-03-09T16:46:00.001-07:00

schooled at yo-yo by an eleven year old.

---------------------------------------

i'm making a make-shift will. not because i think i'm going to die, but because if i do i would want the people i love to have the pieces of me that i picked for them. my cousin rory and i have the uncanny ability to communicate with little or no words. after a couple of drinks the other night i started this conversation by saying "if i die, i want you to have..." she didn't really flinch, but asked me to please not die anytime soon. she promised she would keep a record of the things certain people get. recently i've been adding to the list by simply saying "so and so gets such and such." she just nods and points to her dome as if to say "got it." i figure i'll start writing it down soon though, because she has many important things to keep in that pretty little head of hers and i don't want to become a burden.

shredded

2009-03-07T15:33:00.000-08:00

my little heart is torn up today. in tiny strips that resemble scraps of newspaper. they're littered with fragments of words. spoken and not. promises kept and broken. pieces of black and white photographs of moments burned in. sage advice. holy texts. lies. and truth. i have half a mind to put them out on the porch and let today's cool breezes carry them away. they would be of better use to someone feeling the same things than they are to me at this moment. but instead i frantically try to gather them off the livingroom floor. out from under the sofa. from atop the bookshelf. and behind my favorite dress hanging in the closet. i'd hot glue them back together. but i am out of glue sticks. and out of time. and out of hope for my present situation. tomorrow may look brighter. but today is torture.

what i like about you

2009-03-01T22:26:00.000-08:00

.you know yourself
.you don't compromise that for anything
.you hate fast food and cigarettes
.you make me want to be a better person
.your eyes sparkle. always.
.you do thoughtful things even when you don't think i'm watching
.you make me laugh
.you make me uncomfortable
.my brains don't intimidate you
.you're cheeky as all get out
.you love your friends and you tell them so
.you don't complain. even when you could
.you let me explore your world. and your tattoos
.you play with your hair when you're thinking
.and smell mine all the time
.you keep me guessing
.but you say what you mean
.people are drawn to you
.but you pick me out of the crowd
.and you make magic happen when you touch a drum set
.or a guitar
.or a piano
.or me

it's been

2009-02-28T16:57:00.000-08:00

almost three years and when i ran across your picture today i shook my head and realized that i still cannot believe you are dead.

and i probably never will.

speak no evil

2009-02-24T23:51:00.000-08:00

sometimes i am such a royal ass! i say the opposite of what i mean. and make people i genuinely like and want to spend time with feel awkward and unsure. and it's not even like i'm actually mean. just passive aggressive. because whenever i meet someone that i actually dig (we're talking about a boy incase you haven't caught on) and my pride is threatened in anyway, i react to their often earnest attempts in the lamest way. (i promise i didn't vocalize any of this to him) but i'm mad that he doesn't call and then mad when he does, because it's so late and the phone he's talking on has crap reception and he sounds like a broken intercom at a late night fast food joint. "i said no cheese! not mo' cheese!" and when we get off the phone, with him trying to tell me he'll call me in the morning through all the static on his end and all the bullshit on mine, i realize what i meant to say was, "i got the dumbest grin on my face when you called. it is so good to hear your voice. i really could have used one of your hugs today. yes, i'm so stoked that you're in town. of course i want to hang out. i'm glad practice went well and am excited you have so many shows booked in the area. it means i get to see more of that handsome face. have a terribly fantastic night and call me in the morning."

damn.

i am going to be the girl he fell for three months ago when he calls in the morning. if he calls. i wouldn't call me if i were him. god, i hope he calls.

shhhh...

2009-02-24T13:17:00.000-08:00

'a doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind that i'll offer You me and You'll politely decline.'

am i any good at this? this messy live-love-bring light to the darkness thing? i very much dislike the days that i question Your purpose in me. it gives me really heavy boots.

in other news i am really enjoying the idea of guerilla gardening...

the more

2009-02-22T22:35:00.000-08:00

questions asked of me about who you are and what it means to believe in you, the closer i get to vocalizing and understanding my own brokenness. everyone's brokenness. our collective. seperation. from what you meant to do in the beginning. and the more i believe in grace. and unity. and the love that surpasses all understanding. mine or anyone else's. and the more i am convinced against legalislating morality or ostracizing any single person or groups of persons who do not fit into some man-made mold. i think i know somewhere in my heart that we are here to build upon the kingdom in whatever small way we can and to recognize and cultivate beauty where hardened hearts are blind to it. and that we as a creation are bigger than these earthly bodies or earthly woes. to quote 'the last unicorn' (because i can't help it) when the magician accidentally turns the unicorn into a woman to save her from the red bull, her reaction "what have you done to me? what have you done to me? i can feel this body dying all around me." and his response "it's only for a little while. i promise you. soon you'll have your true shape back. forever." make me ache for the day when the ultimate truth and our true makings will be revealed to all and we will meet you and see the beauty of the struggle in getting there.

get hip to this

2009-02-21T20:35:00.000-08:00

i watch this on repeat. i can't even help it.

oakland rain

2009-02-20T18:54:00.000-08:00

you

me

opposite sides
of the tracks
is a bit of
an understatement
wouldn't you say?
i want to know
you and your marks
i want to spend
hours investigating
the ink in your skin,
the stains on your sheets
and the rifts in your heart
left by other girls
and make you bandages and breakfast

he swaggers when he steps
as the gutters fill with water
rushing. gushing. symphony of sounds
city songs, i call them
and i close my eyes
take a breath
take a step onto MLK
his fingers are covered
blood red paint splattered
i see evidence of his deviant
art on every corner of this city
i walk alone save his watchful eye
the drops drop bigger than before
hood up. quicken your toes girl
heavy bags. arms sigh as i reach his street
drip. drop. splash. puddles. ruined boots
to the iron clad front stoop
i'm going to need a key
to more than just his door.

and a clean pan for these eggs.

the last unicorn

2009-02-16T02:27:00.000-08:00

dear god,

thank you for life. and breath. and air. and family. and hearts. even when their beats are irregular. thank you for letting me witness people's wake up calls. and second. third. tenth. or one hundreth chances. thank you for warm showers. clean water. food aplenty. and your timing. for intuition. and understanding. for stars. and rain. and sunsets. for putting us on our knees when we think we don't need you. and helping us stand when we don't stand a chance. we can't ever repay you. thanks for not expecting us to.

love, me
xoxo

tonight is full of

2009-02-12T20:26:00.000-08:00

sush with the bro.
good talks.
great laughs.
brotherly advice.
cousin home safe.
no call.
don't care.

life gets sweeter every minute.

today is full of

2009-02-12T14:35:00.000-08:00

passive aggressive punk-rockers.
working. two jobs. back-to-back.
staff meetings and missed trains.
something that resembles snow on the ground.
blue boxes with gold foil.
and an upset stomach.

i'm finding my purpose in the mundane.
and trying my damndest to let go of my need for control.

i love

2009-02-10T12:46:00.000-08:00

-moments of unexpected honesty with someone i love.
-driving at night.
-listening to my ipod on shuffle and realizing that if i weren't me, i'd still be friends with me based solely on my musical tendencies. i've got some good stuff on that thing!
-getting lost by myself.
-finding my way again. mostly by myself.
-friends who call and laugh at me in the middle of me being lost. because i can't stop cursing at misleading road signs.
-impromptu singing sessions to Jesus. on a country road. at the top of my lungs.
-getting a phone call that plasters a cheeky grin on my face in the middle of writing this.

this brought to you by the fact that i am actually dumb enough to get lost coming home from modesto. and that i am actually resourceful enough to enjoy finding my way home.

v8

2009-02-08T23:43:00.000-08:00

i love the stuff. especially with tapatio and pepper.

he was having dinner with his mother.

in other news. i love my cousin for many reasons.
like saturday nights in:

infomercials

2009-02-07T23:38:00.000-08:00

why does the temperpedic guy assume i have a partner to share my mattress with? and that i would disturb said partner with my tossing and turning if infact we did share said mattress? temperpedic guy-you make me feel lonely. especially when i shared magic kisses with a previously mentioned "he" last night and we were supposed to hang out again tonight. but i'm at home. blogging. i'm sure i'll find out tomorrow that there is some legit excuse as to why we're not together right now. but still...

barf.

sooner than soon.

2009-02-04T23:16:00.000-08:00

he just called. again. to say goodnight. swoon.

goodnight room. goodnight moon. goodnight cow jumping over the moon. goodnight light, and the red balloon. goodnight stars. goodnight air. goodnight noises everywhere...

sushi and smiles

2009-02-04T22:11:00.000-08:00

i got off work feeling sorry for myself. rather, i was feeling sorry about myself. sometimes i regret the way i respond to people who obviously care about me. i was worried that i'd been too nonsensical for him to call. so i took myself out. to the sushi place downtown. you ever have the feeling that you need to know you are worthwhile, even though you don't know that is what you are feeling until a stranger shows you that you are? that is exactly where i was when i walked through the doors. i sat down at the sushi bar and ordered myself a feast of edamame, salmon and tuna sushi, and a salmon-ginger roll. and then the affirmations just started rolling in. first the sushi chef offered me kaiso salad with a wink, "just because. eat! eat!" and then the waitress called me her "little lady" in broken english and offered me a free helping of miso soup. and then. as if the japanese lovin' wasn't enough. a father/son duo, tranplants from L.A. (and a handsome duo at that) offered me a shot of sake and a compliment, "you look like the perfect sushi partner. why are you here alone? come! take a drink with us, we have plenty!" "kampai!" we all shouted as the waitress took a shot with us too and all was well in my world. the chef talked to me quite a bit. he hopes to retire soon, as he has been in the restuarant business for many years, his last establishment being this one here in sonora. he asked me many questions and what is more, is that i could tell he was genuinely interested in my answers. we had trouble understanding eachother through our foreign pronunciations, but we talked as clearly and as simply as possible to one another and we looked at eacother with care. a sweet old man. he told me to come back often and that he would make me anything i wanted "to suit your tastes." the sake boys left and said they hoped to see me over sushi again soon. i slowly finished what i could and boxed up the rest. i left with red cheeks, feeling much better than i had only a couple of hours before.

and he called. i helped him make pasta over the phone. and we laughed. about the sugar he spilled all over the counter while trying to make iced tea. about his dog growling at him for attention in the background. and yes about how nonsensical i can be. but he said it was cute. and that he'd call again soon.

all sushi and smiles here in california.

long distance phone calls

2009-02-03T18:58:00.000-08:00

i'm feeling less invincible than i was yesterday. but my outlook is still positive. one of the great joys of my life is nights like tonight when my brother and i huddle around a phone in columbia, california and the rest of our family huddles around a phone in dresden, ohio and we exchange songs. we don't talk too much, but instead connor and i pull out the guitar and the banjo on this end and tygar pulls out his guitar on the other and mom listens in as we exchange songs. songs we've learned. songs we've written. and we sing to eachother. until the three hour time difference forces ty to announce that he must wash his face and hit the sheets. it reminds me of nights when we shared the same space and played until our eyelids grew heavy. goodnight my dear family. however dysfuntional, i love you.

.my brothers.

i need chocolate.

2009-01-29T17:07:00.000-08:00

i must be hormonal. but then again when am i not? i'll tell you what though. i'm nearly finished with one of the books i mentioned buying the other day. 'extremely loud and incredibly close' and it is the bee's knees! i wouldn't kid! i couldn't kid! i've gotten lost in it the way i got lost in 'the mercy of thin air.'(highly recommended. especially to a one samantha thorp. i think you'd love it.) i read it in a day over the hoilidays. i turned off my phone. never stepped out of my pj's. and carried the thing with me everywhere except the bathroom. ok it may have made it to the bathroom with me once or twice. i made coffee with my nose in it. i made three square meals and maybe even a snack with my nose in it. i brushed my teeth with my nose in it. i even talked to my mother from the bottom of the stairs with my nose in it. and by the end of the day i was finished. satisfied. heartbroken. smiling. and wanting more. just how a great book should leave you. i'm tempted to get off work, scrounge some chocolate, and finish the thing. but then again i don't want it to end. but then again i can't keep my hands off it! i even purposely left it at home so i wouldn't be able to sneak peeks. i'll try. i'll try really hard. but i have a feeling i'll be falling asleep with tears in my eyes. and hopefully some chocolate smeared on the last page.

visual aid for this blogpost:

chocolate dreams.
the bee's knees.
the torturously wonderful read.

socal

2009-01-25T01:19:00.000-08:00

i love road trips with people who are important to the fabric of my being. i love talking to people who hold onto similar ideals as i do. i love talking to people who care about the meshing of culture and lessons learned outside of their own minimal experience. i love talking to people who encourage me and inspire me to be the person i know, deep down, i am supposed to be. the people who say "i may not know you well, (yet), but i am eager to, and will welcome you with open arms to any community you decide to be a part of." thank the GOOD Lord for people whose minds and hearts are open and willing and waiting for unity. thank the GOOD Lord for warm breezes in the middle of january. for palm trees. and super nintendo. and laughs. and champagne. and a good friend's engagement. i am so blessed to be here. in this moment. i will never forget this time. and i will never fail to tell my children and those long after them of my "roaring" twenties. or how i made it to that party. and how on this night, i was satisfied.