old oak tree

sometimes i wish i was a tree. my hair and arms would be the branches and they would keep me cool catching breezes that float through the canyon on hot days. my body would be the trunk and it's scars and bulges would be seen as beautiful and strong because of the stories they hold and the secrets they've kept. my feet would be the roots. always in the earth. firmly. toes wiggling in the mud soaking up the first rain of summer. and i would see it all. the squirrels and birds and bugs and lightning and i would hear it all. and feel it all. and i could just be.

the neighbors hate us

nothing like blue lips to make you fear death
and blood stains to make you realize life.
sounds worse than it is.
scared straight.
as usual.
but grateful.
i'm alive
and i'm supposed to be.

chance of precipitation 100%

just one of those no good, very bad, hide under the covers, feelin' real ugly, cut up all your clothes kinda days.

i wish the rain would give us a break.

i just need a speck of sunshine so i can put on a flowery dress and some shit kickin' boots and make a little headway in my life.

i wish the weather didn't make me feel so...dreary. and drab. and useless.

i hope that summer brings everything i want it to. and the problem really is the weather. and not me.

once every hundred years jesus of nazareth meets jesus of the christian in a garden among the hills of lebanon. and they talk long; and each time jesus of nazareth goes away saying to jesus of the christian, 'my friend, i fear we shall never, never agree.

kahlil gibran

i would like

to reinvent myself.
go totally wild.
when i can't effect change in my surroundings.
i opt for changing myself.
healthy?

couldn't help it

a bit missed

writings & words that have been getting me through:

12.11.10

the mist
and crumpled bed linens
i want a rocking chair
and forty happy years
added to my life
so i can sit
and rock
and sigh
and rock
and look back on all the years
and smile with tears in my eyes
because i loved those years
even when life hurt.
and i won't fret then
like i do now
and maybe if i'm lucky
the hands i like to hold now
will be the hands i still hold
and they'll have changed
still strong
but wiser and wrinkled from use
and my own hands still small,
will be more spotted,
with fissures and bonier knuckles.
and they won't ache to hold on to the past
or tire themselves with trying to control the future
they'll just be
his hands
and my hands
and the rocking chairs
looking out at the mist

------------------

colossians 3:12-14

'therefore, as god's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. forgive as the lord forgave you. and over all these virtues put on love which binds them all together in perfect unity.'

what does this look like every day? when i don't feel like it?
when i read this before work i like myself better while i'm there.

------------------

lately i've been forced to think about marriage and saying forever, because i've very much fallen in love. sometimes i feel euphorically positive about the prospect, because i feel i've 'defeated' my past and 'growed myself all up' in the romantic love department. but the truth is i don't think we can. i think we can allow our past hurts to be healed and we can grow in that healing, but at the end of the day we're human and especially if your heart has been banged around a bit, it's pretty near impossible to never feel insecure or just plain terrified that this could all go wrong too. 'just like the others.' but every time i even start to think about sticking my claws out and poking holes in this new love, i am disarmed. and with every disarming the next attack my fears design feels weaker than the last. and i think that's a good sign. i sincerely don't know much about much, but it seems to me that a love worth fighting for isn't much of a fight. don't get me wrong...it can be hard, but the fact that i feel this safe even when i'm scared, well...that feels like truth to me.

-------------------

and then i re-read this from good 'ol kahlil gibran (on marriage)

'you were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. you shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days. ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. but let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of heaven dance between you. love one another, but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, even as the strings of the lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. for only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. and stand together yet not too close together: for the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not each other's shadow.'

and i kinda liked that. maybe more than before.

------------------

there's a lot more going on round here.
perhaps another night.

this year

i want to be softer.
and quieter.
more careful with my words
and with my time.
i want to wear more dresses.
drink more water.
and run.
i want to learn to breathe.
cause i'm sure i've been doing it wrong.



and i want to see God in all of this.

x-rays

looking inside me lately is scary.
tumbled mess.
the things i want are simple.
i don't know why i complicate everything.
i just get so lost.
and i worry about right and wrong.
and what God wants me to do.
and whether i just don't listen.
or if life is really just about living it.
you know? and loving. and peace. and stuff.
could it be as simple as i want it to be?
like paint on my hands and hot cups of tea.
leaves the color of fire around my feet and being held in
these arms that don't let go and remind me of Love
how it's meant to be. and this voice that keeps telling
me i'm doing...ok. just fine. just live, dear. it says.
just live.

oh!

and a banjo!

just a list of wishes

1. wurlitzer piano (preferably a portable one)
2. harmonica(s)
3. guitar (eventually)
4. many more notebooks (hell i'll settle for scraps of paper)
5. a dinner triangle (i'm not really sure why yet)
6. a nose harp would be fun if i had any idea how to work one (oh wait they have instructional videos on youtube...yep definitely want one! the guy that sold me had one rubber-banded to his face so he could play the ukulele at the same time)
7. any random form of percussion instruments. i'm going to start investigating thrift stores for options.
8. and some simple recording equipment (when i can afford it)

i've got songs pouring out of me into a tiny notebook that may explode if i don't just get to it. if i'm going to make music i'm going to have to start doing it myself. everyone is following their paths to different places and not that we won't continue to make music together when time and space allow, but these are my songs. and i'm ready to sing them.

here are two from yesterday(mostly unfinished...go figure)

untitled

waitin' too long
waitin' too long
you had me waitin' too long

i have a million tumbling
words for you some soft
some jagged as a rock

i have a thousand tiny
bruises on my skin
when i fell for you
i could not stop

untitled2

take flight little bird
i won't ask why
the moss grows thick
on the dark side

please hold dear
the things we learned
through tears and smile
for me when good times
come to mind

i won't forget
i won't forget

no blame for the things unsaid
and for years to come the
norfolk island pine will whisper
keeping secrets better than ourselves

so long
so long
so long, little bird


this guy...

i'm excited.

i will however miss being able to do this everyday...

whirlwind once more

i'm going to make a life for myself among the trees. and the stars. and the birds. partially by choice and partially because i have none. i am overwhelmed. with fear. with excitement. with an incredible sense of gratitude and helplessness. humility and growing up are not lessons that come without strife. but there is joy too. and i'm just trying to breath and pack and fall in love all at the same time. so many changes. so many unexpected gifts in the midst. music, as always, is my solace. so this is for you. at night when there is nothing left to do but wait, harmonies like this make it easier to lay my burdens down.

the civil wars

Dance Me To The End Of Love

John Paul White | MySpace Music Videos

dance me to Your beauty.

in the woods the other day

i found a unicorn.

pick up your crazy heart and try again

here we are again. the striking of a million matches couldn't light a fire under me big enough to get me out of this chair. i'm too tired to be this young. too lonely to be this beautiful. but i've got an aching in my belly for something bigger. and god is telling me bigger is coming for a visit. no return ticket. and i think i'm ready now.

no such thing as a clean getaway

tonight there is only sleepless wrestling and half a pack of cigarettes. and i know i'm gonna figure this out. and i'm gonna let jesus back into the fissures carved into my heart by my own fingernails. but right now i have to let the words on the screen swirl and blur with each involuntary tear drop and try to convince myself that it's ok to hurt this bad even if you don't feel a damn thing. i can't. actually. really. believe that you said that.

------------------------

ix said to me today 'good things happen slow, but great things. great things, caity, sometimes they happen fast.' and i want to believe that maybe that's possible. that maybe tripping over your lies and falling into his arms underneath the stars wasn't the worst thing. all i know is that he woke me up to the things a man should be. and he reminds me of someone i dreamed up once. and it's too soon. and it's complicated. and it's scaring me half mute. but my fingers still work. and my heart still wants to love. and i'm praying that i'm not too broken.

------------------------

no sugar coating this one, boys. i got canned today. i knew it was coming. i've been working for the better part of a decade and i've never come close to getting the boot. not so much as a threat. company policy. hhmmppff. my boss was sad about it. and told me she knew i had big things to do. and she's right. and i think maybe i needed this. and i know it's part of this life long lesson i'm learning about self-worth. and how i'm enough whether i'm stuck to my bedsheets feeling sorry for myself or working myself like a pack mule. so we're buying a van. me and three women who came into my life at just the right time. and we're gonna hit the road. coast to coast with as many stops as we feel like in between. no time limits save the end of summer. one guitar. one ukulele. one harmonica. one accordion. and four girls just trying to take a breath before they dive into whatever is next. i'm imagining it all in my head. starting to live the life i always said i would. laughter. tears. sunsets. wine. and sunburns. music. so much music. and running. and strangers. sleeping bags full of sand. late nights and gas station coffee. singing for pennies and smiling the whole time. i do need this. we all do. and the timing couldn't be more perfect. and i'm gonna write. and dance. and paint. and worship with what's left of my life.

amen.

my tombstone should read...

being a fool for love ain't the worst thing a girl can be.

and if you know me...in parenthesis underneath it will most likely read 'and even though she's not really here, just her hollow bones and rotting flesh, said girl apologizes for her bad grammar.




hahahahahahaha.

everyone tells me i think too much.

#@!%^

damndamndamnit! shit.

what else am i supposed to say? i could probably string together a list of curse words a mile long that would make you wince and make my mother sigh a long sigh. cause i have to hate him after this. or at least forget. no self-respecting woman could...but i'm not a self-respecting woman. i couldn't possibly be if in this one. huge. important area of my life i have not only settled for less, but for neglect.

and i'm afraid because, even still. sitting here, the blood in my veins boiling hot enough to make my cheeks flush, there is a voice in my head that tells me i'm assuming too much. and it's his voice i think, because i know that's what he'll say if he's ever man enough to call. and i'll buckle just a little. and i won't close the door tightly. and he'll sneak back in. and i'll keep caring. and giving. and wasting my time.

band aid brand

i just crinkled my nose and said 'ouch,' for the fifteenth time since waking up this morning. that's how i intend to deal with this. i don't want to cry. i'm not sure i even need to talk about it. whenever my heart hurts and misses what it shouldn't i'll just say 'ouch' out loud. i'll tell people i stubbed my toe. or cut my finger. and nobody will question it, because everybody knows i could hurt myself in a straight jacket. and nobody, including him, will know that what i really mean when i say 'ouch' out loud is that my heart is tearing and being sewn up all at the same time. and that in those moments when the circus of rips and needles is too much, i have to speak for fear that i'll stop breathing.

bruised

wish there was something
i could say or do
i can resist anything
but temptation from you
but i'd rather walk alone
than chase you around
i'd rather fall myself
than let you drag me on down

it wouldn't have worked out any way
and now it's just another lonely day
further along we just may
but for now it's just another lonely day