you are the anchor that holds me

"new jersey smells. or at least it does from where i'm sitting. one cup of coffee and three cigarettes into this layover i'm starting to realize how much i am going to miss you. i found a real gem among the pictures we took on your brother's old bed yesterday. i made it my wallpaper and occasionally look at us. i wonder how i got lucky enough to have this work out after all the shit we've put each other through. guess there is such a thing as "meant to be." i'm in the process of making you two cds. you need to send me your address in "canadia" so i can randomly send you things when the spirit moves me. hah. you have to promise to listen to them on the weekends so you don't forget me or what good music sounds like. it might be the only way i can really communicate myself to you. like how much i love you and what i might be going through at any given time over the next four months. after spending practically every day with you for the last three i fear this time spent apart is going to be quite difficult. however, i trust that not in spite, but because of all things we've fought for that we will be just fine. i'm lighting up my fourth before going through the hell that is airport security on the east coast. i'll see you soon love. take care of yourself for me. i need you back in the worst way."

i never knew my thoughts could be louder than a plane engine. i have a lot of processing to do and i fear that as today has involved the fairly consistent consumption of alcohol in order to numb any extreme emotions, so too will the next week. as soon as the drink cart rolled by i ordered a gin and tonic so as not to forget my new friends. i then made a picture of him kissing my forehead my wallpaper so as not to forget my new commitment and lastly i played neutral milk hotel to distract me from myself.

inappropriate musings

it's funny to watch people whom i do not know well or even at all. especially when they are in love. even more so at a wedding rehearsal. couples, of which only one is directly involved, love to give eachother sideways glances and knowing smirks that make me ache in funny places. the bride and groom seem desperately to want all the maddness and questions about where grandma will sit and how high the bridesmades should hold their boquets to end so that they can be alone. they seem burdened, but happy. i wonder how long it will be before they are throwing dish towels and wine glasses over a cold plate of food because one of them forgot their anniversary.

is it possible for anyone to look that good the morning after?

so this is going to sound...craaaaazy, but then again when don't i? i spent a good hour thinking about him today and you want to know what i did almost the whole time? i laughed. not at the absurdity of the fact that i ever loved him. not at how much time i "wasted," or the fact that even now i can't seem to love anyone the way the i loved him. i laughed at all the good times, the fact that i did actually love him that much. i thought about waking up late at night with him sound asleep next to me and it hurting so much that i had to touch him just to convince myself that it was real and when i couldn't i would touch him gently until he woke up and pray that he would be coherent enough to wrap himself into me and fill the hole his gender-imposed-narcolepsy had left behind. when he was, coherent enough that is, i could fall back asleep smiling and holding his hand. if not, he'd simply mumble and give me a squeeze, a kiss on the forehead before falling back to sleep. i'd smile and the pain would flip-flop in my stomach and i would eventually drift off to sleep along side him knowing it would be worse in the morning whether he'd woken up or not

musings centuries old

i have a sudden and profound urge to get to the bottom of who i am. i see alot of people walking around with oodles of disdain for their lives, but on occasion i see people walking around with such passionate purpose. they may not be walking around here persay, but i see them. on my television, in magazines and books, even on the internet. i suppose i could speculate that maybe they're faking it. you know the way we all do sometimes. ever fained interest in a topic you knew you should have cared about? me too. some of them may be faking it, but when i'm honest with myself, well...i just don't think they are.

i think i need to be broken. i think again if i'm honest with myself it is obvious that i've been hardened. i worry more about recycling than i do about people. i have genuine pangs of compassion and a want to reach out on a consistent basis (i daresay daily),but unlike my constant guilt over the condition of our planet and my growing efforts to do what i can, these pangs rarely translate into action, let alone permanent action.

i don't know what i am supposed to do with my life. i am nearing my last year of college. i'm rounding third base, on the last stretch of ground before i'm safe and ready to move on, triumphant and at peace with my efforts, but there's one problem...for the life of me i can't see homebase. i need to focus on god. get to know myself again as i have changed in the course of this past year and make sure i keep my eyes wide open along the way. i swear though, most days, this all seems far too complicated. i get a knot in my throat and have to make myself go to bed for fear of losing my mind in the livingroom.

real life

our feet hit the pavement to a soundtrack of screeching tires. the wind blew them into eachother. or so i thought, until she pointed out that it was infact our karma come back to haunt us. "its so toxic," she said "that all we have to do is step out into the street and there you have it, three car pile up." it was true. i knew it then. seperately our karma was bad. combined we were a natural disaster. i couldn't keep my eyes off the boy in the orange shorts. a color i'd found hard to identify all day. he was the unfortunate catalyst. the composer of our smashing symphony.

-shi-sha carwreck 03/03/07

take it easy

i woke up today, head pounding. an ever-growing sense of disappointment welling inside me. i felt like my insides were dying. rotting away with every breath. i knew i'd slept in too late...again. failed to hear the alarm. two large papers with deadlines looming over my head. useless. i know that the papers, or the fact that i am flat, dead, done broke, haven't done my taxes or filed my fasfa, owe lots of people lots of money, and don't know what i am doing with my life are probably not the reason i felt so bad, but this morning it seemed as if it had all come crashing down on my head. i managed to get myself in the shower and actually wash my hair for the first time in three days. proud. i let my hair dry on it's own. wasting time cyber-dreaming about my future and all the random possibilities. i didn't think it would get any better as i stepped into the freshly fallen snow and made my way to the car. i love it when i'm wrong.

a good friend called and offered me an escape. i said yes and took a burdened breath, hoping that her promise of relief was sincere. i picked her up without saying much and followed her pointing finger to a house downtown. not a safe part of the city by any means. the streets are lined with drug dealers and users. broken homes filled with broken people. the eyes of the hungry and enraged following you everywhere you go. i trusted her, but hoped "relief" wasn't code for crack.

she instructed me to drive down a littered back alley and park in a driveway adjacent to a beautiful old home. it stood out like a sore thumb amongst the ramshackle, section-eight-approved houses. i followed her up the walk and onto the empty porch. she didn't bother to knock on the door and i followed her into a large front room. i hadn't any time to take in my surroundings before an old indian woman appeared in the doorway. she smiled slightly, almost knowingly and said hello. my friend introduced me as such and the old woman as her grandmother. it settled. i remembered her telling me about her, a full-blooded cherokee. it showed.

to be continued...

wake me up with your lips

there is absolutely no reason for me to be this frustrated. i got out of classes today, thus avoiding a midterm. i played in the snow. i laughed a lot. i didn't go to work. i was expecting a phone interview, which i still have not gotten. this in part makes me nervous, but to put me in this rank of a mood? i think not. i don't want to be a wanker to everyone around me, but every little stupid thing gets on my nerves. music is my solace. it is the only thing that makes sense anymore and if i play it loud enough it keeps the demons at bay.