Wednesday, April 18, 2007

musings centuries old

i have a sudden and profound urge to get to the bottom of who i am. i see alot of people walking around with oodles of disdain for their lives, but on occasion i see people walking around with such passionate purpose. they may not be walking around here persay, but i see them. on my television, in magazines and books, even on the internet. i suppose i could speculate that maybe they're faking it. you know the way we all do sometimes. ever fained interest in a topic you knew you should have cared about? me too. some of them may be faking it, but when i'm honest with myself, well...i just don't think they are.

i think i need to be broken. i think again if i'm honest with myself it is obvious that i've been hardened. i worry more about recycling than i do about people. i have genuine pangs of compassion and a want to reach out on a consistent basis (i daresay daily),but unlike my constant guilt over the condition of our planet and my growing efforts to do what i can, these pangs rarely translate into action, let alone permanent action.

i don't know what i am supposed to do with my life. i am nearing my last year of college. i'm rounding third base, on the last stretch of ground before i'm safe and ready to move on, triumphant and at peace with my efforts, but there's one problem...for the life of me i can't see homebase. i need to focus on god. get to know myself again as i have changed in the course of this past year and make sure i keep my eyes wide open along the way. i swear though, most days, this all seems far too complicated. i get a knot in my throat and have to make myself go to bed for fear of losing my mind in the livingroom.