Sunday, September 28, 2008

i want a pair of wellies

i'm back to that point where i'm losing my head in a lot of thoughts about nothing and everything. the most mundane thought plaguing me at this moment is that i really want a new pair of wellies before the rain starts coming. whether the rain comes or not i just want a slick pair of bright boots to lift my spirits and wear all the time. especially when it isn't appropriate. or with my pajamas. or with a dress. oh and the fact that my hair is too dark. besides that i've been kept up the last two nights ruminating on what a selfish and flaky person i can be. i don't know when i all the sudden became a prisoner in my own skin. it's as if over the last few years i've become this terribly anxious person and when i'm at my worst it's almost impossible for me to communicate well (or at all) with the people i love the most. i'm not even kidding. the people who hold onto the biggest chunks of my terribly defective heart, probably don't know it. or did at one time and now question it. i keep my phone on vibrate because when it rings it makes my heart jump. i miss calls (because i never have the damn thing with me anyhow) and agonize about calling people back. not because i don't want to talk to my friends. because i do. once i call them i wonder why it was so hard to put my fingers on the keys. but for some reason it is. i have so many people i care about. so many people who hold onto pieces of my past, my present, and future. and i know they love me. but i'm selfish. and i'm flaky. and i don't know what to do about it. i'm going a little crazy in this trailer. i'm enjoying the town. i've seen a couple plays for free. i shop at the farmer's market every saturday. i've discovered i'm a good cook. i've met some interesting people. heard plenty of live music (played and sang a little too with my brother at a cafe in town). and have been running my butt off on the trail at the college. i don't know if it's because the job situation isn't all figured out and i'm feeling useless (which is definately playing a role) or if it's because i really have no idea what direction my life is going, or if i already know the reason i'm feeling popped off my hinges and am just too stubborn, worn out, disillusioned, or lazy to do anything about it. i gave it a thought...and...i think it's a bitter cocktail of all three. i was liking myself for a little while. now i want to be better. and i have to figure out how one goes about being...better.