Wednesday, July 23, 2008

caravan dreams

i have to apply the truth i speak of to my own life. in the obvious and many of the not so obvious ways, i understand that i do not have to do anything to gain God's love or approval. i do, for the first time in my life, genuinely want to follow after His plan for me. i have no qualms about giving up my own will, but even though i want to do great things for the kingdom and reach new levels of relationship with Him i must not enter into them until i fully understand the knowledge that i can do nothing and still be loved, still be used. i do not have to attend ministry school in the fall, even though i was accepted, i do not have to enter into to a specific ministry, or work for a faith based operation to be considered good enough. i can't do anything without Him and i don't want to do anything "for Him" unless my intentions are pure and void of any hint of self-justification. i cannot do something because i am afraid of losing something else. and even if i lost the thing or things i speak of what would it matter in comparison to losing these absolute truths i have found? it wouldn't. it couldn't. it is like exchanging life for death. freedom for chains. discernment for confusion. peace for chaos. and love for emptiness. i would be silly and sad to think that the fear of losing something this world offers should trump the fear of damaging my relationship with Him.