Tuesday, April 22, 2008

hand me another

i am tired. i am especially tired of seeing people hurt. myself included. i realize that people are just people and that they can't be more than that. but they could be a little more sensitive. have a little more integrity. they could live with a little more gumption and honesty. myself (also) included.

that being said. the joy of music with a hand made card. a letter from home with a picture to remind me. i love getting mail. even more i am grateful for people who love me. i am blessed beyond measure. which makes the hurt worth bearing.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

happy passover

there isn't any way around the fact that when you tell Jesus he can tear you apart and rebuild you into something sharper for the Kingdom, that there are certain beings that will not be very happy. and well frankly, they'll fight you tooth and nail. they whisper lies about you. i haven't felt uglier or hated myself more than i have in the past week. i don't buy into it, but fighting twenty-four hours a day (yes even in my dreams) is exhausting. i am going through my past. sifting through it with a fine toothed comb. taking my resenments and forcing myself to see my part in them. (that's where the hating myself sneaks in. i have been quite awful to people i love the most, many many times in my life.) granted, at times i had no part. i was a victim of circumstance, but learning at the same time to forsake any trace of victim mentality. i have a wonderful mentor who has fast become a dear friend. she has a b.s. detector like you wouldn't believe. at our weekly meetings she firmly, yet lovingly, guides me through each step. giving me more "heart work" for the next week. i find it incredible that Daddy gives us people to keep us accountable and to make sure we are thorough. i could NOT have done this on my own. and there is still so much more ground to cover. i'm looking forward to the part where i get to make amends. and the part where i'm healthy. and better able to be used always. i'm breaking twenty-two years of bad habits and it is rarely easy. but, i'm uncovering the healthy parts too.(i'm not rotten all the way through you know.) oh and i know i've told him more than once, but incase you didn't hear me satan, get behind me, you're a schmuck and the battle is already won.

post script: i am aware of the fact that the title to this blog has little to do with it's content, but my friend april walked in while i was writing it and with her hands held high in the air proclaimed, "happy passover!.....it starts tonight at sundown." and quickly exited the room. and then my friend josh walked in with a makshift cape and two frying pans and proceeded to do a spiritual dance to my worship music. it is indeed going to be a happy, happy passover.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

the thing about days off...

is that you can blog twice and nobody thinks less of you.

i think i could live out of a vw van or on airplanes for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy.
a little house near the water might be nice too though.

lions of promise

bare legs.
painted toes.
a sun dress.
and new sandals.
wild curly hair.
sunglasses, old tunes.
and windowsill perching.
the scent of fresh cut grass.
today is just right.

i had a vision yesterday. it was interrupted by a quiet knock at the door. but was sweet and full of promise nonetheless.
it was of my son. one i have obviously not given birth to just yet. (insert giggle). he was two or three with a headfull of sandy curls. i was watching him from a few yards away as he sat perched on the back of a lion. he laughed and tossled the giant's mane. everything about this gift was beautiful and comforting. a promise of reconciliation among all Daddy's creatures. an assurance of peaceful days to come. it may get worse before it gets better, my friends, but until then i will continue to earnestly seek the face of the One who can breathe this divination into being.

a friend here approached me today and said he had a dream of lions attacking this place where we live and work. his words made me smile as i recalled all the work God is doing. unbeknownst to him i had prayed last night that He would send Holy Spirit to invade the grounds and the people who inhabit them. i believe that as he slept God was showing him this. as i began to walk up the stairs to my room, my friend stopped me and said, "that's not all. you know the painting you're working on? the one of the lion?" "yes." i said with a smile. (it is a painting Father gave me several weeks ago that is yet to be finished.) "i hadn't seen it before," he continued. "not until this morning, but that lion. the one in your painting. the one with flames in it's eyes. that lion was in my dream."

wow. Daddy. wow.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

until only Love remains

if only this keyboard could scream. i've been hungry before. but not like this. it gets bigger the more i feed it.

it is all consuming.

it is what i asked for.

i am just so frustrated with the things that keep me from Him. once you get it. you can't let it go. no matter how you try. He's got your heart and He tugs. or yanks, in my case. i want everything else to burn up. everything other than that, to burn. i'm not sure i can say what i mean. i guess you can't dictate something like this. i usually have the words, but mostly i just think miss jj heller does a much finer job of saying what it is i can't. and she does it with song. the way i hope to someday...

Scenes of you come rushing through
You are breaking me down
So break me into pieces
That will grow in the ground
I know that I deserve to die
For the murder in my heart
So be gentle with me Jesus
As you tear me apart

Please kill the liar
Kill the thief in me
You know that I am tired of their cruelty
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains

You burn away the ropes that bind
And hold me to the earth
The fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth
I begin to see reality
For the first time in my life
I know that I’m a shadow
But I’m dancing in your light

Teach me to be humble
Call me from the grave
Show me how to walk with you upon the waves
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains

breathe into me.
and make sure i never make You something You are not.

Monday, April 07, 2008

alright then. that smarts.

ouch. ooo. owwww. owie. ouch. burn. owwwwww.

ok. i'm over it.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

running with scissors

...or cutting with them rather.
they still sweep to the side, but when i feel so moved i can do this...

let's call it...fringe benefits.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

i am...

not sure i can begin to tell or write, speak or explain how He has moved this past weekend, but to not try would be a grave tragedy.

through the years, inspite of all the ways i have attempted to make myself too dirty to be made clean, He has always protected and often redeemed my righteousness. i have discovered that when He says be holy as I am holy, it is first a promise before it is a command. He would not ask me to do it if He wasn't both willing and able to give me the grace to see it through. i use to wrestle with myself. sometimes late at night. sometimes in bars or the houses of friends. sometimes in broad daylight. sometimes at work. at home. at school. in my car. sometimes in the middle of conversations with other people. sometimes in the middle of a kiss too passionate. i'd go back and forth between a truth buried deep and false notions of self-worth. i'd go back and forth between the life i always felt called to and the excuses mediocre christianity and the spirit of religion allow to seep through the cracks. last summer i asked God to show me His love for me. to encounter it rather. to know it. to feel it. to ruin me with it. He did and i couldn't get off the floor. literally. in the months to follow i pushed. i pushed in. He pulled me closer. He woke me up with words and visions. He blessed me. He surprised me. He spoke and for once i was obedient. in my obedience He began to bless me with desire. a genuine want to obey. to be someone He can trust. to be someone He delights in and who does not cause Him heartache.

i still would go back and forth. sometimes i would get stuck. and then He agitated me. poked. prodded. and made me itch. no more compromise cait. ok Da. no compromise cait. ok Da. ask Me. what? ask Me. give me a heart of no compromise. ok, but don't forget you asked. i won't forget.

i was walking around last week feeling like i was on the edge of something quite lofty. something reminiscent of what had happened the last time i made such a request of Him. i had been spending time with Him and making a valliant effort to sort through everything. to be steadfast and thorough. to seek wise counsel and to pray without ceasing. i read a poem. a poem written by a beautiful person i know. and it made me ask another question. how does a Father love His daughter? what does that even mean? what does it look like? how does He see her? it compounded with the first request. give me a heart of no compromise and show me what a relationship between a loving Father and His daughter looks like, untainted by my negative experiences, let me be a little girl again, and in the process reconcile me to my earthly father. big request for a small girl. small request for a big God.

i stayed up late one night this weekend wrestling. not with myself this time, but with Him. come on Daddy, i'm asking. please. i played music. i opened up His Word. i took my pen in hand and invited Him to speak. nothing. peace. and nothing more. i slept. a fitfull and strange night's sleep. after a week of spring weather, i woke to snow. everything felt like it was tipping. i couldn't put my finger on it, but something was coming. i gave Him the day and went to work. never get comfortable. that is what i have learned in walking more closely with Him. never get comfortable. sitting in the kitchen in the presence of quite a few unsuspecting onlookers the Spirit decided to move. a familiar song was playing. i asked a friend if music brought her back to certain times in her life. she said no. that she didn't have quite the connection i did with it. i told her the one playing made me feel midly sick to my stomach because of the time in my life it was tied to. i began to tell her how certain artisits and albums reminded me of my childhood and like that i was gone. literally transported to a different time. i was about 6. at a wedding reception or holiday party of sorts. a day i had not thought of in many years. a song by an artist previously mentioned began to play and my dad caught my eye from across the room. i don't ever remember him looking at me that way. he held out his hand and said simply, "dance with me." and i did. and found myself ruined the way i was ruined last summer. a wild mess of tears and laughter. i believe i caught everyone off guard and couldn't have cared less. in that moment i understood a Father's love for His daughter for the first time in my life and it was heavy. so heavy. in the aftermath all i can do is smile and look forward to this next level. i had been standing on the edge of a breakthrough and i trust, that like before, the months to follow will only bring me deeper.

no compromise.