Tuesday, May 13, 2008

tired hands

i was in love once. ok twice. i think i'm starting to question what that really means when it doesn't last, and just how much of myself has been unstitched and carried off unsuspectedly by some handsome man. as of late i tend to marvel at how Jesus goes off into the mess of it and brings those pieces back, carefully passing them off to me and directing me where to sew them back in. i'm scrubbing wooden walls. dusting off the lamp shades. cleaning windows that look out into the endless forests of this place. i'm leaving. i look forward to the maddness of airport security and the feeling i get when the plane finally takes off. i'm a born traveler. it is what i would do always if i could. i still seem to do it more than most. so many faces. so many untold stories in the crowds i become part of. i love to sit and write about them. rarely published, but comforting to look back on. i'll return to this place for a few months and then i'm off on the next adventure He is orchestrating. i couldn't tell you what, or where, or how, but my heart has a few inklings. me thinks more time on my knees is needed before it is revealed. i cannot wait to be home. back with family and the people i've known so well for so long that they might as well be. i look forward to long hugs, porch swings, kissing the new baby, laughing until i cry, the smell of the midwest in the springtime, flip flops, rainstorms, coors light, bonfires, boating, dancing, talking until the wee hours, watching my baby sister graduate, seeing my father for the first time in a long (long long long) time, having coffee with my mother everyday and talking about the ins and out, ups and downs, heres and theres, wrestling my brothers and hearing them laugh, did i mention the smell of the midwest in the springtime? i do miss ohio for it's beautifully unpredictable weather and the new scents that follow every season. and i miss it for the people. and the way they wave at you when you drive down the road. and the tractors in the middle of it. and the food. and the kindness of strangers that seems unparallel to any other place i've been. and the memories. good and bad. and the old stomping grounds. and the comfort i find there. it will be odd not being here though. in this sweet old house i have once again grown accustomed too. with it's new and old faces. with it's laughs and tears. new smells. late nights. the amazing women i've grown so close to and shared so much with. sigh. my life is quite unpredictable. i seem to always be torn between at least two places. always missing someone. always romanticizing one while living in the other. in all honesty i think He's been preparing me for a life of being away. of leaving the familiar behind to follow Him. and i'm perfectly ok with that. as long as i have my words to write about the people and places that have stolen my heart, pictures to remind me, (and a decent internet connection to keep in touch) i think that will suit me just fine.

i'm loving living.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

love wash over a multitude of things

there is a Love that never fails.
there is a healing that always prevails.
there is a hope that whispers a vow.
a promise to wait while we're working it out.
so come with Your love and wash over us.

i am working it out. He is so gracious and so kind. He loves me so much more than i can fathom or ever hope to love myself. but i am going to rest in it and through all of this learn to walk in it. to be who i am. not who i think i am. not who others have told me i am. but who i am. who He created me to be. i am going to be made whole, because He promises to just that when we ask. all i have to do is surrender. even if i have to do it fifty-two times a day.