Wednesday, October 31, 2007

this doesn't happen twice in one day

so. i write. a lot. the ratio of how much i write to how much i actually put out there in the form of a blog is probably somwhere near 10:1. but there are some days when one feels the need to reveal more than usual. today is one of those days. i wish i could say that this entry is a continuation of this morning's elightened one. but it isn't. it is somewhat of a dumping. i dare say a complaint. one i am not fully prepared to voice elsewhere. i will spare my few readers the details of what it is exactly that has my feathers so ruffled, because one they aren't classy and two there is someone out there who needs to know them before the world does and i haven't yet spoken to him. i try my best to respect people. their feelings, their space, their pride, their problems. most people will do the same in return. in my experiences as of late "most" may be a generous statement, but i will remain optimistic about this. moving on. so "most" people will do the same in return. on days when an individual (or several individuals) do not pay me the same courtesy i can typically smile and love them through it. that is what i am called to do. but today. today was, for lack of better words, very difficult. i feel that i was disrepected in two of the most vile ways a woman can be disrespected by another human being. not only was i verbally offended by several comments concerning my body, but i was physically mishandled. all of this in place where i should be safe, by a person whom i am supposed to answer to professionally. none of which was provoked by me. i was simply doing my job. cheerfully, i might add. after regailing my sister and her dear boyfriend with the my tale of woe (i am making fun of myself there. for those that didn't catch that.) and seeing their more than enraged reactions, i realized that perhaps i am numb to this treatment. i came home irritated. feeling a bit violated, but no longer fuming. i feel as though i have already accepted what happened. after all it is most definately not the first time a man as disrepected me verbally OR physically and frankly...well now i'm irritated with myself. i feel as though i verbally repremanded the offender, but i left not sure that he got the point i was making. i also felt that almost every one of my co-workers laughed it off and to have made any a bigger deal than i did would have been seen as "bitchy" or "overreacting." but my feelings, my self-esteem, and my body all took a swift kick to the proverbial ribs tonight.

i guess now all i can do is refuse to claim it. refuse to claim what he said as truth because it is not. it is not how my creator sees me. it is not what He says about me. and it is not how He desires me to see myself or how He desires me to be treated. of the many things He has brought me through and the many things He has taught me this year that is one of the most important. whether it was through His quiet, but ever present whispering to my heart. or through the amazing man He put in my life to love me the way He intended, i have slowly started to get it. like really get it.

"it's not truth over here and Jesus over there, as if they were two different things. where we find one we find the other. Jesus is quoted in the book of John as saying, "i and the Father are one." if Jesus and God are one, if Jesus shows us what God is really, truly like, and God is truth and all truth is God's truth, then Jesus takes us into the truth, not away from it. He frees us to embrace whatever is true and good and beautiful wherever we find it."

my first real kiss

i wish i could take photographs of moments. so later, when things aren't looking so bright, i could just pull out a three-by-five of times like this. times when He's whispering, but i can still make out every word He's saying. times when my coffee drips out of the pot tasting just right. times when i have questions, but i don't need answers to have peace. times when i have peace in knowing that it is all out of my control anyway. when all i have to do is look up and love with all i have. it feels like i've just gotten my first real kiss. not from a boy. or a girl. hah. but from someone a bit higher up. we've met. in a very intimate way. after dancing around eachother for so long. and now that we've touched. well i won't ever be the same. it has grown me up in a way that is hard to describe, but lovely to watch. i haven't got anything figured out. in fact i find myself figuring out less. and i'm content with that. i find no need to poke and prod and harass my life into telling me what it is about. i am being redefined and it is the best feeling in the world. at almost twenty-two i am becoming all shiny and new.

Friday, October 19, 2007

like an apple on a tree. hiding out behind the leaves.

i am happy.

no seriously.

no contesting it this time.

i still have questions. but am lacking the desire to ask them. i think this is what trust feels like. i trust jesus. i trust a boy. (that's huge) ok he's not just any boy. he is infact quite special. and abnormally wonderful. and i even trust myself. bizarre. but good right? right. i can't think of a damn thing to make myself sick over. this feels different. and really good. really really good.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

mascara runs and coffee burns

i ache. in funny places i haven't ached in for a very long time. god is so good. he comforted me last night, when i couldn't control my fear any longer. he sat up and talked with me. letting me know that regardless of what other people may do, i will be fine. i am still afraid. the knot in my stomach has lessened, but it is there nonetheless. a little haunting at times because i am trying to forget, but it will not vanish completely. not yet. perhaps i should just wait and see. perhaps i should ask the question that is torturing me. some small relief would be much appreciated right now. i'll drink my coffee and study the word. go on a walk and try to breathe really deep, until the cold air stings my lungs and then i'll hold my breath until i get a little loopy and let it out in one final gust, letting all the fear and worry and hurt out into the wind to be taken away from me for good. or atleast for a little while. it is the best i can do without making a fool of myself.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

these fall as leaves fall

sitting outside in this unseasonably warm weather i muse over the things god is doing in my life. i hope for cooler weather. despite the temperature the leaves are still beginning to turn. some of them are even starting to fall to the ground when the the wind blows the right way. summer was a time of love and growth. a time of extreme spiritual prosperity. my branches were in full bloom. i do believe my spiritual life follows the seasons in quick sucession. now, in the fall, i feel as though i am being stripped. amongst the leaves of summer were many good things. love, friendship, revelation, healing. but hidden among them were also insecurity, selfishness, old pain, and addiction (to name a few). in order to rid me of those things all the leaves must fall. it leaves me feeling a little empty, but god is faithful. this winter will be a hard one. a time of relying fully on god even though on the outside i will often appear barren. when the spring rolls around i trust that my branches will yet again be full and that in place of the old leaves will be new and healthier ones. love, friendship, revelation and healing will return without insecurity, selfishness, old pain, and addiction to stifle their growth. i look forward to this time. i look forward to the things i have been promised coming into exsistance. the quiet winter months will be a time for sincere reflection. for kicking the crutches out from underneath my arms. for allowing myself to be refined. what wonderful things could await in the spring? i can only imagine. god is so much more creative than we give him credit for. i am beginning to realize how utterly romantic he is. how much he wants me to have the desires of my heart, as long as i am willing to give them to him and not look back. i am willing. i am so willing.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

well that's a change

this morning was lovely. up with the sun. black coffee. music and journaling. learning atleast five things from the bible they never bothered to teach me during all those years of church. thanks to jesus and a cattle rancher from oklahoma who has a tendecy to allow the holy spirit to lead him any which direction. cleaning house. and cold spaghetti. and it isn't even two o'clock. the day is young and i have plans left to live out. fall is full of possibilties. it makes my head spin. the cold air feels so good in my lungs. give them a break from the usual abuse i subject them to. maybe for a little while anyway.