abandonment

ABANDONMENT. dictionary definitions for this word include:

1. to give up; discontinue; withdraw from
2. to give up the control of
3. the voluntary surrender of property (or a right to property) without attempting to reclaim it or give it away

our lives are NOT our own. you were bought at a great price. now i know we hear it all the time over and over again from the mouths of people who have never truely encountered the love of God. God sent His Son. yadda yadda. He died for you. yadda yadda. He rose from the dead. yadda yadda yadda. STOP. think about it. pray that God lets this sink in. He watched His Son, whom He loved, die one of the most horrendous and humiliating deaths just to save us from that same fate. to save me. to save you. this might be a bigger deal than we make it out to be sometimes.

so back to the point that our lives are not our own. "to give up, discontinue, withdraw from." what does that mean? it means whatever you think your life is. whatever plans you've made or lies you've allowed yourself to believe about yourself have to go. give them up. God gives you desires. to hope for things is normal, but to base your life around them and expect God to move in them when He isn't at the center is kind of silly. you may have to give up certain activities to spend more time with Him. you may have to discontinue some old habits, friends, or beliefs that are keeping you from Him. you MUST clean out your inner sanctuary and spend time with Him (just you and Jesus) every day. you may for a while (or perhaps permanently) have to withdraw from what everyone else is doing and earnestly ask Him to reveal what in your life needs to go, what needs to stay, and what needs to be invited. (always remember that we cannot expect to live a life completely set apart for Him and think that our lives will still look the same from the outside...because they won't)

"to give up control." what does that mean? it means you are not in the driver's seat. the analogy i think of personally, is that for years i was saying sure God, You're in the driver's seat, but i was this crazy girl in the passanger seat who would constantly reach over and grab the wheel or put my feet all over the pedals. Jesus would be desperately trying to steer and i would just bug Him and run the whole thing off course quite frequently. i had to stop. at first i had to sit on my hands and tie my feet together, but it has gotten easier. i don't worry about where He is going, i just listen, watch and enjoy the ride. i stil have to occasionally sit on my own hands, but for the most part i have them out the window, making rollercoasters in the wind.

"the voluntary surrender...without attempting to reclaim it or give it away." what does THAT mean? it means once you make the choice to give it all to Him you shouldn't be trying to take it back. it is already His to begin with, because He paid for it, but part of free will is that we can make the choice NOT to actively give over our lives to Him, in every area, in every situation. you shouldn't say yes Father, You have everything, but be standing in the corner tightly holding on to fashion, friends, men, careers or any other distractions saying, "He won't notice that i'm holding on to this one silly little thing and He probably doesn't understand anyhow."

He understands. and He knows.






*this is a small excerpt from a very lengthy letter i sent to a friend today. it has been edited minorly to insure privacy, but i thought what God said through me here was something more than just she or i needed to hear.

beautiful people

the deeper He takes me the more aware i am of humaness. the more aware i become, the more insight He provides, but the process of becoming aware can be quite frustrating at times. seeing people through His eyes, can be...painful. it is beautiful. more beautiful than any love i could dream up, but i also see our seperation from Him. in small things. in big things. in love things. in hate things. sometimes the way we talk to people, especially those we love, is downright disgraceful. sometimes the way we talk ABOUT people, especially those we don't know, is downright disgusting. i am having to ask Him a lot of questions about why i sometimes see so many red flags in one day. He long ago spoke to me about not using certain words to describe things that in my opinion were silly, strange, or annoying, so i don't use them. but, words such as "gay" or "retarded" are very common in the small town from which i currtenly hail. they are not ok to use. i believe He thinks that. the connotations and pain that comes with the use of said terms are not of God. they hurt people. Jesus does not want me to hurt people. i see people around me who are caught up in mighty moves of the Spirit. beautiful people whom i believe are earnestly seeking His face, but who fail to love people with the way they speak about them. words are so powerful. the Bible tells us so. i know very well that i am guilty of this too. i do not claim to be innocent. i am merely an observer. God chagnes me through my observations. in james 3 it compares the rudder of a ship to the tongue of a man. how such a small part can steer an entire vessel. in v. 5 and 6 it says "likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. the tongue is also a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. it corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire and is itself set on fire by hell." speak and so you will do. He is even radically transforming the way i joke. i am really stubborn in this area. sarcasm is rarely edifying. if you know me, you can imagine how hard this one is going to be for me to filter. i also notice that the more i recognize the need for change the more situations arise in which i am tempted to negate everything i am learning. especially with my family. at times they make me want to claw my own eyeballs out. the enemy has made my interactions with them seem like nails on a chalkboard and it is only by His grace that i still damn up my mouth. for the most part. and repent when the damn leaks. not just to Him, but to those i get wet.

absolving myself of resolutions

it is christmas. it doesn't feel like it. i am growing up.

at some point during this whole growing up thing, you realize resolutions are crap. at another point you realize you have an incessant need to categorize your life into more easily attainable goals. shortly after that you realize this is also crap. God is in control. i like Him there. the seat was too big for me anyhow. i should, however, mention that at almost twenty-two it is hard not to make lists. so here goes. verbatim, stream of consciousness, new year's b.s. at it's very finest.

1. knit.
2. open a legitimate bank account.
3. talk less. a lot less.
4. listen better. a lot better.
5. smell like lavender.
6. chain myself to a piano.
7. while chained there, learn to play it. well.
8. moisturize.
9. play. preferably with small children.
10. be fiercely protective of my alone time with Jesus.
11. make people laugh.
12. get married.
13. hahaha. joke! made you laugh didn't i?
14. look at me. i've already started.
15. drink more tea.
16. appreciate the fact that i will be measuring my water intake by how many nalgenes i fill up a day.
17. hike and hug sequious as often as the oppurtunity presents itself.
18. absorb the back porch moments of life. both literal and figurative.
19. call my mom every day.
20. sleep.
21. be intentional.
22. be a pure reflection of His love.

well at least it's out there. floating around. ready and waiting to be accomplished. there is much more i hope for. so many things that are so utterly out of my control. i will not despair. i trust that He's got this. even when it doesn't feel like it.

i just realized i am moving in three weeks and i haven't come close to finishing my packing. looks like i'm going to need to start another list.

odd lyrics to find written by someone else

so live inside of your shades of grey
and never mind the sunshine
that i'll find

all good things
i wish you
all good things
come to an end
all good things
i wish you well

i wreak of turpentine and revelation

thus, if we are to continue our inward journey towards intimacy with God and experience His fullness, we must choose to walk purely by faith in the darkness, clinging to the assurance that God has allowed whatever is happening in our life for a purpose and that His will is being accomplished.

perhaps i am being made more faithful

recent lessons (that may do somebody else some good):

1. never doubt the blood of Jesus. it can repair anything. no matter how deep you think the fissure is. He is the suture. both the needle and the thread.
2. you can pray transformation and healing into other people's lives until you are blue in the face. your prayer is powerful. your interceding will change things. but they have to choose it for themselves. never let their indecision hurt you.
3. love and forgiveness are both choices. they are not abstract ideas. they are tangable.
4. when and if you chose to forgive someone and love them with His heart, He will change your life, not just the person's you've been holding out on.
5. be grateful for every person who loves you.
6. tell those people how you feel. even if they don't give you the kind of response you were hoping for, God will bless you in your honesty. and bless them with your heart.
7. love with fervor. pray without pause. worship with your life.

as the clock strikes midnight

so i wrote earlier about how incredible God is and the way He is moving in my life. and i still mean every word of it. today, yesterday technically, was one of the most powerful days of my life. so cemented are His words on my heart that nothing can ever be the same again. i know my life is changing drastically, because i have given it to Him and the process has already begun. it began a little over a year ago really. i'm just slow to catch on. and i don't mean change like, i start going to church more, and i don't drink, and i try not to cuss, and i only watch pg-13 movies, or i don't yell at my brothers. yes, insignificant things like this change when you encounter the living God, as i've said before, but you also realize that legalism has no place in the life He really calls us to. when i say change i mean a total overhaul of everything in my life until what is left is of Him and for Him and about Him. i mean, i give up belongings, friends, comfort, money, security, relationships, and even education to do what He wants me to do. in all things. i guess now, after the clock struck midnight and time turned into a new day, my heart aches for different reasons. in the wee hours of the night i can't help, but be human. i will give it up before i sleep and writing about it is part of that process, but in this moment, i am struggling. struggling to find reasons for why some things have to be the way they are. struggling to explain to parts of my heart what my head knows to be true and right and good. struggling because i miss the presence of certain people in my life. people who remind me of Him, because they loved me when i was unlovable. i know that the answers to all my questions and rest from all my striving are found only in Him. that part of the agony of being mortal is not always knowing what God has in mind when He does certain things. that is His mystery. that is His right as the Creator of all of this. i realize that my life, that all lives, are a progressive revelation of His purpose and only unfold for His glory. i find comfort in this knowledge and peace in His promises. but because i am a silly girl with notions, and because it is late, i am a little melancholy and missing you tonight.

You'll still be the One i want

i have been in awe today. of all He has done in my heart. how utterly abandoned i want to be to Him and His perfect will for my life. even when things seem messy or out of control, which they are without Him, He shows me this undying, unwavering, love and commitment. even when things are good and i am at peace with my decisions and the decisions that have been thrust upon me, He is there smiling at me and sharing in my joy. He is unlike any person, man or woman, i have ever come in contact with. or ever hope to come in contact with. today i can't help but cry. hot tears streak my face at every turn. the smallest things send me into a place of quiet reflection where my reverance and gratitude are overwhelming. i want my actions, my words, my heart, my relationships, and my life to be a pure reflection of His love. for others, for the world, for myself. i am beginning to realize how short my time is here. how fast it all goes and how it is but a breath compared to eternity. i truely long to be there with Him. looking into His sweet, sparkling, endless eyes always. not just for moments. i saw something today that so accurately portrayed my life up until this point that i could not help but fall to the ground. in one day i have been taken over by the urge to bow down, cry, rise up, shout, sing, run, jump, laugh, cry some more, get on and off my knees, and praise Him with everything in me, until i am exhausted. and then do it all again. how has it taken me this long? i must count every day as lost that was not spent loving Him like this. every day.

found this in my journal today and i mean it more now than ever...

i have sought Your face

in the masks of devils.

i have searched for joy

in places i should flee.

i will no longer substitute Your presence

with their watered down offerings.

11-22-07

and for this i am grateful

i realized tonight, through a conversation with a person i care for very much, that God has been chasing me. perhaps this seems like a silly revelation being that i have been a "christian" for about as long as i can remember. whether it started when i was five and felt convicted about some silly childhood fib, that my parents would never have found out about, but i still thought i'd die if i didn't tell "someone" i was sorry. or at ten, thirteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, when i was baptized (yes more than once) or "re-commited " my life to God for the umpteenth time. or if it was when i had my heart broken for the first time. i am not entirely sure when that was. because it has broken in small places throughout my entire life. but of course there were the big ones. my father's affair. telling my mother about my father's affair. the boy for the first time. the same boy. for a second time. or the deaths of people i loved. or perhaps there was no beginning. maybe i have subconsciously always know that, although i was born "into sin," God had long ago bought me at a price and was just waiting for me to figure it out. because people have been telling me for some time now that "God is after you." "God loves you more than anything." "you are made in His image." "He just wants to spend time with you. He wants you to talk to Him. to give Him all your worries." sometimes they even yelled it. i heard their voices. sometimes i even took them to heart. my eyes burned with tears while someone played acoustic guitar in the background. you know the classic church soundtrack to the movie version of your life. and your salvation. at some point within the last year. it got real. or maybe i got real. i know God has always been real. maybe even some of what they were saying was real. so i guess that leaves us with the last option. i got real. my life got really real. things were bit too much for me. i was living this terribly legalistic lifestyle on the outside. but i was so miserable on the inside. to be completely honest. i wasn't living it either. i would bible thump for a couple months. beat myself up. go party. feel bad, but keep partying. go to church. lie. not go to church. beat myself up some more. tell myself that if i couldn't get it together God would never want me. and if i was doomed to keep messing up then what was the point in trying. stop! do you see what i see? it was all about ME. it isn't about me. i couldn't have dreamt me up if i was tripping on the best acid known to man. (i've never actually done acid, but i was thinking about how creative the Beatles were and i hear they did a lot of it.) only He made me. only He made all of us. this whole thing was His idea. so when i make it about me, i take the focus away from Him. the only one who knows me. the only one who knew every stupid, ugly, good, and loving thing i have ever done or will ever do. i never got what the word grace meant, until i was shown it by people who were truly after His heart. until i was loved in a way that was always gracious. always forgiving. even before i said "i'm sorry." what is the sense in apologizing to someone who has already forgiven you? what is the point in fixing yourself when He sees nothing wrong with you to begin with? when i tell myself that i'm not good enough to go to Him with everything and for anything i am blatantly denying the gift Christ gave me in His death, burial, and resurrection. i am looking into Jesus' big, brown, endless, sparkling eyes and saying "no, thanks dude. i can do this on my own. you don't want me anyway. i'm a mess." can you imagine how that makes Him feel? "alright, caitlin. i was beaten and bruised. mocked, shamed, spit on, and killed. i saw your face. i was cleaned with my mother's tears. buried. and ROSE FROM THE DEAD. and i saw your face. i was the spotless sacrifice my Father sent to rid you of the excuses you're offering me now. and i saw your face. i want you. just the way you are. right now. trust me." how can i do that? i can't. i won't anymore. as i allow myself to be stripped of all the bull, i am continually running in to layers of my past self that are very painful. some of them are so ugly it takes me days to admit to just myself that they were revealed at all. but when i give them to Him, when i begin to believe what He says about me, that i am beautiful, beloved, sought after, loved, and a co-heir in His kingdom. the ugliness is dissolved. eradicated. bound and sent to the foot of the cross to be dealt with accordingly. now don't think that just because He wants you exactly the way you are, wherever you are, that He won't change you. because He will. when you encounter the living God you can't help but be changed. i am constantly being redefined. whether it is as simple has hardly being able to stomach television (which is just my thing) or wanting to talk through, walk through, and fight for love in every corner of my life no matter what the cost is to me, it happens. dying to self. i've heard that saying somewhere before. haha. but to feel it happen. to take your pride by the throat, kicking and screaming, and hand it over to Jesus...wow. i must have been a very angry girl for a very long time. this is the most free i have ever felt. and this is just the beginning.

now that i have seen

was there ever a time when it was easier to cry out to God? when people didn't mistake spiritual unrest for insanity? when we weren't prescribed pills for depression or anxiety because it was known that their root was separation from the Father? not that i don't believe that the brain can have certain imbalances, but if i didn't think i would be arrested i would probably tear my clothes and scream. dance naked in my yard, like david. unashamed. i would seek nothing, but His peace and love and company. always. my heart breaks most recently for the fact that there are so many things that attempt to separate me from my Jesus and i let them! i am falling in love with a man who has been in love with me since before i was known in this world and i let myself get distracted. i do things that hurt Him and then i wonder why i hide my eyes in shame the next day. i can't bear this life alone. without Him. without fellowship. without worship and constant prayer. how do i tap into the blessings He has promised me? how do i "go in peace" ? how do i love with the fervor He calls us to? how do i make myself of use when i despise myself? i guess that is the problem. i need to believe what He says about me. He says that i am holy. beloved. forgiven. why then do i walk around black and blue from believing what anyone other than Him says or has said about me? why do i look in the mirror and allow myself to call His creation ugly, fat, hateful, and despised? why do i let my worth be defined by the way ungodly men treat me? hasn't He given me examples of how godly men see me? yes. then why? why do i buy into these lies? why do i seem to take one step forward and two steps back? why do i feign ignorance, when i know He has given me wisdom? my friends look to me for advice and instead of giving them answers i know to be true, i tell them what they want to hear. and if i do offer them truth, they rarely want to hear it and seek "truth" elsewhere. i need a true spiritual friend. someone to talk to. someone to pray for me and keep me accountable. some i have looked to for support think that i am looking to them for what only God can give me. this is untrue. i need a friend who can recognize my vulnerability at this time. this is a call on their life as well, to comfort me with the comfort God has given them. and that is biblical. i believe i have acquiesced to this call before. i am seeking Him. actively. i know i cannot find true love or true peace anywhere, but in His arms. but He did not ask us to do this alone. He intends for us to talk and cry and laugh and fight and seek alongside each other. i pray for someone to come alongside me. to get on the other side of my burdens, like a couch too heavy to be lifted by one person, and help me offer them up to the One who can absolve me of them once and for all.

i wrote this last night. at the time it seemed valid. i was running around looking for someone to manifest characteristics of Jesus instead of just going to JESUS. i need friends. i do. but i count them and the rest of this world as loss compared to being with Him. in a matter a minutes He has turned the agony of the last few days into joy. i long with the deepest sense of the word to be with Him. i feel silly. my friends should want to be there for me, yes. but they are not my savior and none of them could know me or love me the way He does. no matter how hard they try. my deepest apologies to those i have looked to for something they are incapable of giving. be blessed as i am blessed.


so i whisper soft your name
and let it roll around my tongue
knowing you're the only one who knows me
you know me

show me how i should live this
show me where i should walk
i count this world as loss to me
you are all i want
you are all i want

leaves and bones

days like today, when fall is rapidly spinning into winter, it seems as though the world is soaking in a perpetual dusk. the light never brightens and the sun refuses to show even half her face through the clouds. the clouds that are all waiting, with bated breath, to spit out our first snow. i can see old man winter jumping from tree to tree on the coat tails of the wind. his feet and hands haphazardly knocking brittle leaves to the ground. the leaves, that are pushed into piles. scrunched into trash bags. chopped up. perhaps turned into mulch for someone's garden. thrown away with the rest of our waste. or burned. filling the air with my favorite smells. among the trees, where no man tends the ground, they continue to gather in layers of decaying life. soon they will rot completely under winter's blanket and seep slowly back into the earth whence they came. death breeds new life. the leaves remind me of...me.

the whole town smells like someone lit a giant match. a befitting odor as i feel as though i am on fire. like things inside me are burning up. passions not in line with what He has called me to are waning, while others are igniting in rapid succession. things i thought i wanted or needed have been tossed into a giant bonfire and i am helpless to stop it. i don't want to stop it. it is beautiful to rest in worship. to meditate on the Father. on His hand in my life. at times i find myself mourning. i am not always sure what. perhaps it is the times i haven't spent with Him. perhaps the needless pain i've attempted to suffer alone, instead of just giving it to Him as it presents itself. He was always there. reaching out to take it from me. i foolishly held onto it. thinking i could fix it myself. or perhaps i am mourning being here. not this town. but this earth. altered and scarred from the way He originally intended it to be. perhaps i am just longing for Him to come and bring us, and all things, restoration. what a day that will be. for now i am here. seeking truth and claiming it. loving and living as best i know how. (right lauren?) constantly asking for His guidance and strength. seeking counsel from others. taking it one day at a time. or trying very hard anyway.

i also find myself becoming familiar with the names i read in His book. i am transfixed on the stories surrounding the lives of both the familiar and unfamiliar people in it. they were real! they lived and breathed and cired and walked and bled and suffered and laughed and hugged and kissed. they had sex and made babies. they made mistakes and got in trouble with their mothers. they lied. they made amends. the reality of how closely tied we are to them is sinking into my head. my heart. my bones. the feeling it gives me is one i can scarce describe and suspect i will never shake.

this doesn't happen twice in one day

so. i write. a lot. the ratio of how much i write to how much i actually put out there in the form of a blog is probably somwhere near 10:1. but there are some days when one feels the need to reveal more than usual. today is one of those days. i wish i could say that this entry is a continuation of this morning's elightened one. but it isn't. it is somewhat of a dumping. i dare say a complaint. one i am not fully prepared to voice elsewhere. i will spare my few readers the details of what it is exactly that has my feathers so ruffled, because one they aren't classy and two there is someone out there who needs to know them before the world does and i haven't yet spoken to him. i try my best to respect people. their feelings, their space, their pride, their problems. most people will do the same in return. in my experiences as of late "most" may be a generous statement, but i will remain optimistic about this. moving on. so "most" people will do the same in return. on days when an individual (or several individuals) do not pay me the same courtesy i can typically smile and love them through it. that is what i am called to do. but today. today was, for lack of better words, very difficult. i feel that i was disrepected in two of the most vile ways a woman can be disrespected by another human being. not only was i verbally offended by several comments concerning my body, but i was physically mishandled. all of this in place where i should be safe, by a person whom i am supposed to answer to professionally. none of which was provoked by me. i was simply doing my job. cheerfully, i might add. after regailing my sister and her dear boyfriend with the my tale of woe (i am making fun of myself there. for those that didn't catch that.) and seeing their more than enraged reactions, i realized that perhaps i am numb to this treatment. i came home irritated. feeling a bit violated, but no longer fuming. i feel as though i have already accepted what happened. after all it is most definately not the first time a man as disrepected me verbally OR physically and frankly...well now i'm irritated with myself. i feel as though i verbally repremanded the offender, but i left not sure that he got the point i was making. i also felt that almost every one of my co-workers laughed it off and to have made any a bigger deal than i did would have been seen as "bitchy" or "overreacting." but my feelings, my self-esteem, and my body all took a swift kick to the proverbial ribs tonight.

i guess now all i can do is refuse to claim it. refuse to claim what he said as truth because it is not. it is not how my creator sees me. it is not what He says about me. and it is not how He desires me to see myself or how He desires me to be treated. of the many things He has brought me through and the many things He has taught me this year that is one of the most important. whether it was through His quiet, but ever present whispering to my heart. or through the amazing man He put in my life to love me the way He intended, i have slowly started to get it. like really get it.

"it's not truth over here and Jesus over there, as if they were two different things. where we find one we find the other. Jesus is quoted in the book of John as saying, "i and the Father are one." if Jesus and God are one, if Jesus shows us what God is really, truly like, and God is truth and all truth is God's truth, then Jesus takes us into the truth, not away from it. He frees us to embrace whatever is true and good and beautiful wherever we find it."

my first real kiss

i wish i could take photographs of moments. so later, when things aren't looking so bright, i could just pull out a three-by-five of times like this. times when He's whispering, but i can still make out every word He's saying. times when my coffee drips out of the pot tasting just right. times when i have questions, but i don't need answers to have peace. times when i have peace in knowing that it is all out of my control anyway. when all i have to do is look up and love with all i have. it feels like i've just gotten my first real kiss. not from a boy. or a girl. hah. but from someone a bit higher up. we've met. in a very intimate way. after dancing around eachother for so long. and now that we've touched. well i won't ever be the same. it has grown me up in a way that is hard to describe, but lovely to watch. i haven't got anything figured out. in fact i find myself figuring out less. and i'm content with that. i find no need to poke and prod and harass my life into telling me what it is about. i am being redefined and it is the best feeling in the world. at almost twenty-two i am becoming all shiny and new.

like an apple on a tree. hiding out behind the leaves.

i am happy.

no seriously.

no contesting it this time.

i still have questions. but am lacking the desire to ask them. i think this is what trust feels like. i trust jesus. i trust a boy. (that's huge) ok he's not just any boy. he is infact quite special. and abnormally wonderful. and i even trust myself. bizarre. but good right? right. i can't think of a damn thing to make myself sick over. this feels different. and really good. really really good.

mascara runs and coffee burns

i ache. in funny places i haven't ached in for a very long time. god is so good. he comforted me last night, when i couldn't control my fear any longer. he sat up and talked with me. letting me know that regardless of what other people may do, i will be fine. i am still afraid. the knot in my stomach has lessened, but it is there nonetheless. a little haunting at times because i am trying to forget, but it will not vanish completely. not yet. perhaps i should just wait and see. perhaps i should ask the question that is torturing me. some small relief would be much appreciated right now. i'll drink my coffee and study the word. go on a walk and try to breathe really deep, until the cold air stings my lungs and then i'll hold my breath until i get a little loopy and let it out in one final gust, letting all the fear and worry and hurt out into the wind to be taken away from me for good. or atleast for a little while. it is the best i can do without making a fool of myself.

these fall as leaves fall

sitting outside in this unseasonably warm weather i muse over the things god is doing in my life. i hope for cooler weather. despite the temperature the leaves are still beginning to turn. some of them are even starting to fall to the ground when the the wind blows the right way. summer was a time of love and growth. a time of extreme spiritual prosperity. my branches were in full bloom. i do believe my spiritual life follows the seasons in quick sucession. now, in the fall, i feel as though i am being stripped. amongst the leaves of summer were many good things. love, friendship, revelation, healing. but hidden among them were also insecurity, selfishness, old pain, and addiction (to name a few). in order to rid me of those things all the leaves must fall. it leaves me feeling a little empty, but god is faithful. this winter will be a hard one. a time of relying fully on god even though on the outside i will often appear barren. when the spring rolls around i trust that my branches will yet again be full and that in place of the old leaves will be new and healthier ones. love, friendship, revelation and healing will return without insecurity, selfishness, old pain, and addiction to stifle their growth. i look forward to this time. i look forward to the things i have been promised coming into exsistance. the quiet winter months will be a time for sincere reflection. for kicking the crutches out from underneath my arms. for allowing myself to be refined. what wonderful things could await in the spring? i can only imagine. god is so much more creative than we give him credit for. i am beginning to realize how utterly romantic he is. how much he wants me to have the desires of my heart, as long as i am willing to give them to him and not look back. i am willing. i am so willing.

well that's a change

this morning was lovely. up with the sun. black coffee. music and journaling. learning atleast five things from the bible they never bothered to teach me during all those years of church. thanks to jesus and a cattle rancher from oklahoma who has a tendecy to allow the holy spirit to lead him any which direction. cleaning house. and cold spaghetti. and it isn't even two o'clock. the day is young and i have plans left to live out. fall is full of possibilties. it makes my head spin. the cold air feels so good in my lungs. give them a break from the usual abuse i subject them to. maybe for a little while anyway.

sore fingers

i feel like a kid in september whose mom is an early christmas shopper. she has all the gifts locked up in her closet or a trunk somewhere in the house and i am dying to take a peek. side note: if it were my mom, having to ward off the four of us macgyvers, the presents would be taped inside plastic bags, bolted (twice) into a trunk and hidden in a relative or friend's house across town. i swear even at four connor could finagle a paper clip like nobody's business. and i was right there beside him, holding the flash light. back to my terribly insightful analogy comparing christmas presents and my spiritual life...i know that god has great things in store for me. he told me so once. but at the same time i feel like i'm biding my time until "then" and i don't want that. i want to be of use always. here and now. with people i know like the back of my hand and with total strangers whose world view may be slightly skewed and difficult for me to understand. i feel like i am constantly trying to take "a peek" at what he has next and he just keeps telling me "no. look at all the great things that are going on now, before christmas, it will be totally worth the wait if you just have patience and focus on the now." this settles me for a while and then when left home alone for too long, i get the itch, i sneek into the closet or unbury the trunk and try to take a peek. i just keep getting my fingers slammed in the door or shut in the lid. the cycle is vicious and unending. i think i'll just shake it off and leave the mysteries of the universe to its creator. i'm going to go turn up this song and dance until life makes sense and i feel alive again.

i want

i would like there to be no speculation over whether or not i am happy. because i am. sometimes a girl just has to write. today i woke up. i put in a load of laundry that was long over due and did my morning dance with the coffee pot. his name is henry and he is very reliable. my coffee pot that is. sturdy and set in his ways, but reliable none the less. and he always gives me what i want. when i sat down at the computer and started surfing i laughed at how much i use the internet as an accurate gauge of my social status or, to be completely honest, how loved i am. i had to get off and start writing for fear of losing my mind in my coffee mug. i am struggling. distance and time can make people akward and unsure. especially when you don't feel important in the grand scheme of whatever is taking over our lives. i have my coffee. i have my music. i have my friends. i have my jesus. what more convincing can the universe do? perhaps i am overreacting. perhaps i need to do something unexpected so as to release my pent up adventure. or just take up knitting? that's a thought. atleast it would keep my hands busy. then maybe my brain would take a breather. doubtful. i want to be higher on someone's interests. i want to be worthy of someone's time. i want sweet nothings. i want more coffee. i want more peace. i want to do things that make me feel alive...more often. i want to stop torturing myself with photographs and silence. is that too much for a girl to ask?

you are the anchor that holds me

"new jersey smells. or at least it does from where i'm sitting. one cup of coffee and three cigarettes into this layover i'm starting to realize how much i am going to miss you. i found a real gem among the pictures we took on your brother's old bed yesterday. i made it my wallpaper and occasionally look at us. i wonder how i got lucky enough to have this work out after all the shit we've put each other through. guess there is such a thing as "meant to be." i'm in the process of making you two cds. you need to send me your address in "canadia" so i can randomly send you things when the spirit moves me. hah. you have to promise to listen to them on the weekends so you don't forget me or what good music sounds like. it might be the only way i can really communicate myself to you. like how much i love you and what i might be going through at any given time over the next four months. after spending practically every day with you for the last three i fear this time spent apart is going to be quite difficult. however, i trust that not in spite, but because of all things we've fought for that we will be just fine. i'm lighting up my fourth before going through the hell that is airport security on the east coast. i'll see you soon love. take care of yourself for me. i need you back in the worst way."

i never knew my thoughts could be louder than a plane engine. i have a lot of processing to do and i fear that as today has involved the fairly consistent consumption of alcohol in order to numb any extreme emotions, so too will the next week. as soon as the drink cart rolled by i ordered a gin and tonic so as not to forget my new friends. i then made a picture of him kissing my forehead my wallpaper so as not to forget my new commitment and lastly i played neutral milk hotel to distract me from myself.

inappropriate musings

it's funny to watch people whom i do not know well or even at all. especially when they are in love. even more so at a wedding rehearsal. couples, of which only one is directly involved, love to give eachother sideways glances and knowing smirks that make me ache in funny places. the bride and groom seem desperately to want all the maddness and questions about where grandma will sit and how high the bridesmades should hold their boquets to end so that they can be alone. they seem burdened, but happy. i wonder how long it will be before they are throwing dish towels and wine glasses over a cold plate of food because one of them forgot their anniversary.

is it possible for anyone to look that good the morning after?

so this is going to sound...craaaaazy, but then again when don't i? i spent a good hour thinking about him today and you want to know what i did almost the whole time? i laughed. not at the absurdity of the fact that i ever loved him. not at how much time i "wasted," or the fact that even now i can't seem to love anyone the way the i loved him. i laughed at all the good times, the fact that i did actually love him that much. i thought about waking up late at night with him sound asleep next to me and it hurting so much that i had to touch him just to convince myself that it was real and when i couldn't i would touch him gently until he woke up and pray that he would be coherent enough to wrap himself into me and fill the hole his gender-imposed-narcolepsy had left behind. when he was, coherent enough that is, i could fall back asleep smiling and holding his hand. if not, he'd simply mumble and give me a squeeze, a kiss on the forehead before falling back to sleep. i'd smile and the pain would flip-flop in my stomach and i would eventually drift off to sleep along side him knowing it would be worse in the morning whether he'd woken up or not

musings centuries old

i have a sudden and profound urge to get to the bottom of who i am. i see alot of people walking around with oodles of disdain for their lives, but on occasion i see people walking around with such passionate purpose. they may not be walking around here persay, but i see them. on my television, in magazines and books, even on the internet. i suppose i could speculate that maybe they're faking it. you know the way we all do sometimes. ever fained interest in a topic you knew you should have cared about? me too. some of them may be faking it, but when i'm honest with myself, well...i just don't think they are.

i think i need to be broken. i think again if i'm honest with myself it is obvious that i've been hardened. i worry more about recycling than i do about people. i have genuine pangs of compassion and a want to reach out on a consistent basis (i daresay daily),but unlike my constant guilt over the condition of our planet and my growing efforts to do what i can, these pangs rarely translate into action, let alone permanent action.

i don't know what i am supposed to do with my life. i am nearing my last year of college. i'm rounding third base, on the last stretch of ground before i'm safe and ready to move on, triumphant and at peace with my efforts, but there's one problem...for the life of me i can't see homebase. i need to focus on god. get to know myself again as i have changed in the course of this past year and make sure i keep my eyes wide open along the way. i swear though, most days, this all seems far too complicated. i get a knot in my throat and have to make myself go to bed for fear of losing my mind in the livingroom.

real life

our feet hit the pavement to a soundtrack of screeching tires. the wind blew them into eachother. or so i thought, until she pointed out that it was infact our karma come back to haunt us. "its so toxic," she said "that all we have to do is step out into the street and there you have it, three car pile up." it was true. i knew it then. seperately our karma was bad. combined we were a natural disaster. i couldn't keep my eyes off the boy in the orange shorts. a color i'd found hard to identify all day. he was the unfortunate catalyst. the composer of our smashing symphony.

-shi-sha carwreck 03/03/07

take it easy

i woke up today, head pounding. an ever-growing sense of disappointment welling inside me. i felt like my insides were dying. rotting away with every breath. i knew i'd slept in too late...again. failed to hear the alarm. two large papers with deadlines looming over my head. useless. i know that the papers, or the fact that i am flat, dead, done broke, haven't done my taxes or filed my fasfa, owe lots of people lots of money, and don't know what i am doing with my life are probably not the reason i felt so bad, but this morning it seemed as if it had all come crashing down on my head. i managed to get myself in the shower and actually wash my hair for the first time in three days. proud. i let my hair dry on it's own. wasting time cyber-dreaming about my future and all the random possibilities. i didn't think it would get any better as i stepped into the freshly fallen snow and made my way to the car. i love it when i'm wrong.

a good friend called and offered me an escape. i said yes and took a burdened breath, hoping that her promise of relief was sincere. i picked her up without saying much and followed her pointing finger to a house downtown. not a safe part of the city by any means. the streets are lined with drug dealers and users. broken homes filled with broken people. the eyes of the hungry and enraged following you everywhere you go. i trusted her, but hoped "relief" wasn't code for crack.

she instructed me to drive down a littered back alley and park in a driveway adjacent to a beautiful old home. it stood out like a sore thumb amongst the ramshackle, section-eight-approved houses. i followed her up the walk and onto the empty porch. she didn't bother to knock on the door and i followed her into a large front room. i hadn't any time to take in my surroundings before an old indian woman appeared in the doorway. she smiled slightly, almost knowingly and said hello. my friend introduced me as such and the old woman as her grandmother. it settled. i remembered her telling me about her, a full-blooded cherokee. it showed.

to be continued...

wake me up with your lips

there is absolutely no reason for me to be this frustrated. i got out of classes today, thus avoiding a midterm. i played in the snow. i laughed a lot. i didn't go to work. i was expecting a phone interview, which i still have not gotten. this in part makes me nervous, but to put me in this rank of a mood? i think not. i don't want to be a wanker to everyone around me, but every little stupid thing gets on my nerves. music is my solace. it is the only thing that makes sense anymore and if i play it loud enough it keeps the demons at bay.

if you play it loud enough it'll keep the demons at bay

so. i suppose i could start in on some long drawn out attempt at putting my terrible day into poetic form, but i just can't seem to do it. i had and am continuing to have a shitty day. no better way to put it, no easier way to explain. first off i am easily persuaded and stayed out far too late last night. i am lathargic and regretting every minute of it. i didn't hit the sheets until some ungodly hour circa five-thirty a.m. and have had to work since eleven. it is ninee-fifteen and i still have fourty-five umbearable minutes in this giant pill container. (the pharmacy at which i am currenty employed) i hate it here. partially because i am overworked and underpayed (to put it nicely), partially because i want to move back to camp, and partially because most everyone here is a giant ass in one way or another. i nearly cry during every single shift, and although i have a tendency, this is not me exaggerating. as proof i offer up the fact that today's "breaking point" came only about fifteen minutes ago and prompted me to write instead of beating myself up. also, and trust me there is no way to put this poetically...i got booted from my insurance today. up until now i thought it was mildly funny what an absolutely terrible driver i am. it's really not so funny anymore. not funny at all really. i want to run away and despite what other people say, i think that sometimes running away from your problems like a bat outta hell, full speed ahead, and as far as your little legs can carry you is exactly what you need. exactly what i need.

an ordinary day in my extraordinary life

The searing pain I feel behind my eyes as I open them this morning is all too familiar. It’s a staple in the waking life of every dreamer and is caused by the violent separation of my brain from it’s preferred home, la-la land. Who, might you ask would do such a thing? Why, only the devil incarnate…my alarm clocck.

A flurry of covers disrupts the quiet of our apartment. The dog, which had been keeping my feet warm all night, looks up at me indifferently and sighs as she falls back asleep. I envy her. The carpet is harsh and unwelcoming of my tingling toes. The process of making my coffee seems loud and echoes off the walls of our kitchen. I sit at the table, eyes half closed, listening to the drip-sizzle-slurp of my favorite machine. My roommate doesn’t drink coffee, in fact she doesn’t even like the smell, I however, am dependent. My favorite mug is stolen property. It came from California by way of my suitcase a few months back. It has a scene of trees, and birds, and grass. It reminds me of the mountains and has the perfect handle. I pour my first searing cup of dark, black, magic and proceed with my morning rituals. Someone once compared my coffee to embalming fluid. I smiled and said simply, “I am my father’s daughter.”

Occasionally, if I have the time, I sit in the bathroom after my shower with the door closed. Perched on the edge of the tub or the closed toilet seat just letting the steam hover. It’s easy to imagine yourself somewhere wonderful when everything is misty. The second violent separation of my day is the opening of that door. The now colder air outside my makeshift sauna invades every inch of my body, terrorizing my flesh and making me want for my bed again. As I wipe the fog off the mirror and see my reflection appear, it occurs to me that I am looking older. As young as I may be, there are countless lines, scars, and blemishes that haven’t always been there. I look tired. I am tired.

I’m sure watching me get ready in the morning is a sight to behold. It starts off peaceful enough, until I wake up to the fact that I will most likely be late…again. It doesn’t matter where I am going…I will be late. I hope I marry someone who doesn’t mind a twenty-minute whirlwind of the following: toothbrush, body lotion, baby powder, underwear, socks, bra, jeans, blow dryer, concealer, eye liner, powder for the shine, mascara, t-shirt, shit! I forgot deodorant, favorite necklace, a spritz of something that smells nice, shoes, cardigan sweater, don’t forget your cigarettes, or your keys, out the door, wait…the dog, grab your books, and your coffee, dog in cage, body in car, start the engine, blast the radio, destination known too well. Maybe someday I’ll get my act together.

For all the relentless moments of my day, there is one that makes it all ok. Without this moment, I feel as if the rest of my day might not be bearable. Without this moment things are somehow out of sync. Without this moment the beginning of my day would be comparable to “starting off on the wrong foot,” or “waking up on the wrong side of the bed.” I know I need to quit, and it some ways I honestly want to, but lighting up that first smoke, behind the wheel, music turned up, window rolled down, aviators on and the sun coming up…makes a girl feel like she’s got it all figured out.

The third violent separation of my day isn’t really a separation at all, but rather the merging of my idealism with the world’s harsh reality. I love people. More accurately, I want to love people, but they make it hard sometimes. That feeling that starts out my day, the feeling of having it all figured out, is quickly vanquished by an all consuming ignorant, apathy; particularly of many people my age and unfortunately a vast majority of people I work with. I currently feel as if my life is on pause. I finally know how the characters in a movie feel when you press that button, to get more popcorn, go to the restroom, to answer an important phone call, or forget about them all together and never return to finish out the rest of their story; they feel like college students. Everything about your life is on hold, you don’t know what you’re going to do next and you hold your breath going from one scene to the next, you enjoy a lot of them along the way, but at what point does it all come together? I can’t help but wonder…when does my life begin?

I read. I listen. I punch a time clock. I smile politely. I fain interest. I help people. I study. I speed. I cram in a lunch break. I smoke too much. I watch people float around in their self-blown bubbles. I binge on caffeine. Sometimes, I cry. I miss my mom, but I do things for myself. My day is littered with moments of utter hopelessness, but somehow I keep going. I tell myself that if I take this class, nail that interview, go to bed earlier, budget my money, say nice things, it will all eventually work out for me. I am happy…for the most part. Sometimes I want to ask other people to do things for me, pay my bills, do my homework, and buy my groceries, but I don’t. When things go terribly wrong I want to curl up in my mother’s lap and have her make it all go away, but for the most part…I don’t.

At the end of the day, after all the madness, the laughter, the striving…I come home. I come home to the apartment I help pay for, the dog who sleeps on my feet, the roommate who isn’t really a roommate at all, but my best friend, the coffee pot I probably forgot to turn off and an overwhelming sense of independence. The violent separations of my day merge into the violent separation of my life as a whole. I am rapidly, furiously, and cruelly being torn from girlhood and am gloriously plummeting into womanhood. I am frustrated, but it’s ok. I’m learning everyday to worry a little less about where I’ll end up. I’m enjoying this roller coaster, this whirlwind that is my life.

no amount of coffee, no amount of wine, no no nothing else will do, i gotta have you

so i won't say this year is going to be different, because i fear i'd be setting myself up for disapointment, however i have finally decided on my main objective for the year. to live a life i can be proud of. i refuse to spend anymore time doing things of which i am ashamed. i don't ever again want to feel the way i did in my last post. i don't ever want to get sick over preventable mistakes. this doesn't mean i won't make them, but the ones i can't help making i can deal with. it's the ones i could have somehow prevented by using common sense, thinking ahead, or let us be honest; not drinking too much, that i hope, and plan, and pray to eliminate. instead of putting my money where my mouth is, as they say, i hope to put my actions where my big fat mouth has been. to have a more structured, loving, honest, healthy, happy exsistence. what this looks like exactly i don't know just yet, but breaking down the previous list looks something like this, although it will entail much more, i am sure...

structure-going to bed before 5 in the morning and getting up early a.k.a not five minutes before class/work/exercize or coffee with mom (may or may not happen tonight)
love-i do a decent job of loving others, but this year i've got to love me
honesty-plain and simple: learn to say no
health-quit smoking!!!!!! and only drink occasionally, oh and exercize more, stop drinking pop, and let people love me (apparently i have several suggestions for this category)
happiness-accomplish all of the above and allow god to be a part of every single step without beating myself up for not being as "good" as the next jane doe. i serve a different purpose than her anyhow.

all of this sounds really good to me. and although i can't do it on my own, i can think of a lot of good friends, one in particular ;) that will be more than willing to help me out if i ask. so, jesus...i'm asking. and please allow me to recognize the help you send.

and seriously if i don't start using the canvas bags i bought to carry my groceries in i am not going to allow myself food (which might be a good thing since extreme weight loss is also a vanity goal i have) because the condition of our enviroment is no laughing matter and i need to atleast try. conserving toilet paper and water are also on the top of my list. you don't need as many sheets as you think you do and nobody needs to run the water while they are brushing their teeth, turn it off unless your toothbrush is actually under the faucet!

i am done preaching, but only because it is 4:23, i have to work in the morning and technically i'll be getting in bed before 5 a.m.-look at me i'm already making progress...