Wednesday, September 21, 2011

old oak tree

sometimes i wish i was a tree. my hair and arms would be the branches and they would keep me cool catching breezes that float through the canyon on hot days. my body would be the trunk and it's scars and bulges would be seen as beautiful and strong because of the stories they hold and the secrets they've kept. my feet would be the roots. always in the earth. firmly. toes wiggling in the mud soaking up the first rain of summer. and i would see it all. the squirrels and birds and bugs and lightning and i would hear it all. and feel it all. and i could just be.

Sunday, April 03, 2011

the neighbors hate us

nothing like blue lips to make you fear death
and blood stains to make you realize life.
sounds worse than it is.
scared straight.
as usual.
but grateful.
i'm alive
and i'm supposed to be.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

chance of precipitation 100%

just one of those no good, very bad, hide under the covers, feelin' real ugly, cut up all your clothes kinda days.

i wish the rain would give us a break.

i just need a speck of sunshine so i can put on a flowery dress and some shit kickin' boots and make a little headway in my life.

i wish the weather didn't make me feel so...dreary. and drab. and useless.

i hope that summer brings everything i want it to. and the problem really is the weather. and not me.

Friday, January 28, 2011

once every hundred years jesus of nazareth meets jesus of the christian in a garden among the hills of lebanon. and they talk long; and each time jesus of nazareth goes away saying to jesus of the christian, 'my friend, i fear we shall never, never agree.

kahlil gibran

Thursday, January 20, 2011

i would like

to reinvent myself.
go totally wild.
when i can't effect change in my surroundings.
i opt for changing myself.

Friday, January 07, 2011

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

a bit missed

writings & words that have been getting me through:


the mist
and crumpled bed linens
i want a rocking chair
and forty happy years
added to my life
so i can sit
and rock
and sigh
and rock
and look back on all the years
and smile with tears in my eyes
because i loved those years
even when life hurt.
and i won't fret then
like i do now
and maybe if i'm lucky
the hands i like to hold now
will be the hands i still hold
and they'll have changed
still strong
but wiser and wrinkled from use
and my own hands still small,
will be more spotted,
with fissures and bonier knuckles.
and they won't ache to hold on to the past
or tire themselves with trying to control the future
they'll just be
his hands
and my hands
and the rocking chairs
looking out at the mist


colossians 3:12-14

'therefore, as god's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. forgive as the lord forgave you. and over all these virtues put on love which binds them all together in perfect unity.'

what does this look like every day? when i don't feel like it?
when i read this before work i like myself better while i'm there.


lately i've been forced to think about marriage and saying forever, because i've very much fallen in love. sometimes i feel euphorically positive about the prospect, because i feel i've 'defeated' my past and 'growed myself all up' in the romantic love department. but the truth is i don't think we can. i think we can allow our past hurts to be healed and we can grow in that healing, but at the end of the day we're human and especially if your heart has been banged around a bit, it's pretty near impossible to never feel insecure or just plain terrified that this could all go wrong too. 'just like the others.' but every time i even start to think about sticking my claws out and poking holes in this new love, i am disarmed. and with every disarming the next attack my fears design feels weaker than the last. and i think that's a good sign. i sincerely don't know much about much, but it seems to me that a love worth fighting for isn't much of a fight. don't get me can be hard, but the fact that i feel this safe even when i'm scared, well...that feels like truth to me.


and then i re-read this from good 'ol kahlil gibran (on marriage)

'you were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. you shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days. ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. but let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of heaven dance between you. love one another, but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, even as the strings of the lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. for only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. and stand together yet not too close together: for the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not each other's shadow.'

and i kinda liked that. maybe more than before.


there's a lot more going on round here.
perhaps another night.