Tuesday, December 23, 2008


2009 can't get here fast enough. i need to check myself. i hate when i sometimes go back to being the person i used to be. i don't like that girl. she grosses me out. i need to get loved out of this hole.

Saturday, December 13, 2008


i just thought about the idea of making new year's resolutions and i got irrationally pissed off. i feel like confessing a few things. few of which will make sense to many, if any, of you. i like who i am today better than i like the person i was a year ago today. i've gone through some intense changes. there were things i cried about over the last year that needed crying over and there were things i cried about that now, when i think about the wasted tears, make me mad enough to spit. and i get so tired of telling myself how i "should" feel instead of just letting myself feel. i realized tonight in a brief conversation with a good friend that my heart will never ever ever never ever in a zillion years let me let go of him completely. he makes it (my heart) do really funny things. and if we're being totally honest, i'm only confessing this here, because i found out in that conversation, however brief, that he reads this thing sometimes. i was embaressed to find that out. and now i'm embaressing myself even further, because i had some insane urge to be really truthful via blog post. lame.

so here's to you-annonymous reader/friend. i love you. i think i loved you the day i saw you. thanks for putting up with all my bull the last three years and seeing me through to being a much more enjoyable person than i was when we met. thanks for always, without fail, making me laugh. thanks for being genuinely happy all the times i lied to you about coming to see you, and showed up on your doorstep anyway. thanks for showing up on mine. thank you for your stories. your 2 a.m. phone calls. for laying on the floor and watching insanely long movies. for late night talks in the dark about our future and all the bullshit in between. for doing stupid, risky things with me, but always making sure we made it home safe. thanks for your smile and your laugh, they make others pale in comparison. thanks for being so thoughtful and for saying the opposite of what you mean in a way that lets me know you care even more than if you told it to me straight all the time. thanks for being quirky and slightly insane. thanks for being beautiful. and just so you know. i still have your gloves and i put them on when i miss you too much.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

sore throat

i knew today was going to be a good day when i got to work and realized i'd put my underwear on inside out.

hah. hahaha. hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Monday, December 08, 2008

scotch tape

do you talk to yourself? i talk to myself.

turns out the bottle of wine i got last night was a shiraz. not a cabernet. screwy groccery store labels. it was still totally delish.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

and the piano's this melancholy soundtrack to her smile

i had one of those days. one of those days where everything feels alright. even the sad stuff, because there's always sad stuff, feels ok by you, because you're just really glad that you're alive. and even though life blows sometimes. because it does. blow. sometimes. you'll take the bad with the good, because you wouldn't know the good if you didn't know the bad.

i went to breakfast with the g's. the cousin. and the brother. we saw a movie. in a real cotton pickin' (is that saying offensive?) movie theatre with seats that reclined. and i laughed until i cried. being on your own makes you grateful. let me rephrase that. being on your own AND poor makes you grateful. the movies are a real treat you know? the movies were always a treat for me i guess. the whole cinematic experience is one of my favourite things on earth. it's like the opposite of static cling. or marzipan.

after a nap and a cup of coffee i did my dishes. i love when all the dishes in the house are clean. it feels so good to need a spoon and reach in a drawer full of them. i waited until it was dark to go into town, because driving at night. alone. is also the opposite of marzipan. i got a few things i needed, but didn't spend much, because i've become this terribly saavy person, but it's sunday, and it's cold, and it feels like movie season, so i wanted to treat myself to two things and so begins the story of why i'm sitting on my couch smiling...

after flirting with the cutest boy i've ever seen behind a blockbuster counter this side of...anywhere and opening up an account there. i found myself in front of pack n' save petting a dog. i told him he couldn't come in, but i hoped whoever he was waiting for would come out soon. i've been craving two things all week. wine. and a big burger with everything you could think to put on it, on it. i've drastically changed the way i eat and both of these things fall under the "rare treats" category. i don't know how i ended up in the wine isle. fate perhaps? but i found myself standing there with one question running through my head. "what's worse for your arteries? RED meat? or RED wine?" i decided on the former and quickly snatched up a bottle of some australian cabernet. i am enjoying my time alone so much. i got some sense kissed into to me recently (also a rare treat. hahaha. nothing serious though, i assure you fine readers.) and being single, you guessed it, is also the opposite of marzipan. this may change. but for now i feel like i'm developing some real gumption and enjoying myself while i'm at it. at that i'm off to my movie and my wine.

i sure as sunlight don't want a boyfriend right now, but i wouldn't be terribly offended if the boy at blockbuster was smart enough to take down my number while opening that account of mine...he seemed clever enough.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

duck neck: an update

i needed to get up when my alarm went off and walk this morning. i need to wash my hair. i just watched martha stewart man-handle a duck carcass and i doubt i'll ever be the same. i'm not feeling work today. the nose ring is no longer. i want clean clothes, clean dishes, and a new book to read. i'll go make a generous to-do list. that's what i'll do.

oh and britters. this one is for you. early morning, coffee, cardigan, and kissses. i miss you too. loads.

my apologies for the "no make-up" face.

Monday, November 24, 2008

appetite for life

you know God loves you when you're sad and listening to simon and garfunkel and at the exact part in scarborough fair when they croon "a sprinkling of leaves" the tree in front of you lets a handful or two cascade to the forest floor. and you smile.

Friday, November 21, 2008

polka dot socks

two things i really hate:
1. static cling
2. marzipan

static cling girl (she hates it too and she's piiiiisssed)

brain sucker outer 3000

i've been crap doodling for days. i don't have a scanner yet so the words "static cling" on static cling girl's shirt are backwards. there is writing on the bottom of the other drawing too, but i just typed them for you instead. enjoy my slow decent into maddness. i am.


i had an urge. hella make-up at one in the morning and a mini photo sesh in my livingroom.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

marge simpson's hair don't

i've come to the conclusion that this blog is not always a true refelction of my personality, because i only blog when i am either

a. manic


2. taking myself too seriously.

sooooo. i've decided to write more often and not filter myself so much through the collinder that is "how others may percieve me." so there. i tried to type the noise that comes when you stick your tongue out at someone, but it didn't really work. "plllllllltttthhhhhhhh" is the closest i can get. besides there's like five of you that read this right? when i'm famous there will be more followers i'm sure, but by then i'll have to tuck away some of my older posts and you'll be the only ones to have read my deepest darkest buuuullll. today at work i had several funny moments with myself. one in particular came when i was bent over stocking to-go containers, like fully-at the waist-touch them toes guurl-bent over, and this couple walked in the door and my ASS was the first thing that greeted them. there were none of the other waitresses out front until after they were already inside the door and long after i had realized they were there. how embaressing is that? it's like "hi! welcome to el jardin! still wanna eat?" doubtful. i didn't even say anything. i let someone else deal with them. thank goodness they ate on the patio. i could officially wash my hands of them and their culinary explorations. i'm sure they were nice, but we got way too personal way too fast and i just couldn't bring myself to invest further in the relationship. this reminds me of another time not so long ago that i made an ASS (hahaha get it?) out of myself at the same job. this interesting guy about my age showed up alone and he was really friendly and asked for a table on the patio. i obliged. he asked me how i was doing as i set his chips and salsa on the table. i answered and asked him the same. he answered. then after putting his hand on his cheek he began to talk to me more. i was kind of interested in what he was saying so i gave the obligatory "hmmms," "yeas," and "uh huhs." he then asked me another question and just as i was getting ready to answer he raised the hand he'd apparently been holding his jaw together with, and pointed to his CELL PHONE! hah! i was carrying on a conversation with a man who was talking to someone else! i could have died. i sent another waitress out there and once again avoided the patio for the rest of his dining experience. sometimes. blithering idiot. i am.

i am embracing my strangeness.
and reading more.
oh and i need need need matching (top and bottom) plaid (preferably flannel) pajamas.

get your egg-nog on.

Friday, November 14, 2008

mr. coffee

coffee pot magic tricks
black, hot, perfect pour
fill mine and yours
back porch mornings
my cousin and me
smoke trails and
squinty eyed smiles
wishing work wasn't
two hours away
and the day's light
would last long after.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

oh november

perfectly intoxicating poem for the month of november. i would imagine it best if read to you by a man with a sweet voice while sipping a cup of licorice spice tea...

annabel lee
by: edgar allan poe

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.
I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love -
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.
And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulcher
In this kingdom by the sea.
The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me
Yes! that was the reason
(as all men know, In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.
But our love was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we
Of many far wiser than we
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.
For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling, my darling, my life and my bride,
In the sepulcher there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

stream of unconcsiousness

ACHTUNG! you don't have to read this if you don't want to. it was for me. an emptying out of sorts.

i think old time movie stars look terribly romantic with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths. extreme home makeover makes me cry. i like when guys have hair that falls in front of their eyes. i think my earlobes are different sizes, but i don't have measurments to prove it. i want to start collecting my thoughts and sketches in a creative journal again, because my head is going to explode. i don't watch much tv, but i've noticed that i keep the cosby show playing in the background late at night so my house doesn't feel so lonely. i don't really like pop-tarts. i have quite a catalogue of music in my head. i wish i knew more. i get my first paycheck tomorrow after working two jobs unpaid for over a month. how does that work? i think i'm a biblical socialist. i've seen a newer and even uglier side of conservative christianity in the process and the wake of this election. apparently if you vote against that grain you don't love God. that hurts. i am totally terrified that i don't have what it takes to grow up. i just want to be me. i often wonder if i will ever own a house. it seems so permanent. i would rather ride a bike or public transit than drive a car, but i love sunday drives. does that make me a bad person? i just made myself laugh out loud at that question, because it doesn't make me a bad person. i cannot get the image of this book i used to l-o-v-e when i was a kid out of my head. it was my mom's when she was a kid and it was about this black cat and i remember the way it smelled and the way the pages felt on my finger tips and how i would read it really slowly and be careful not to bend it to much, because the binding was so loose. i love riding horses and i get to soon. i really think i play out my life like a movie. i'm getting to know my manager and i think we're going to be friends. she sees her life like a movie too. i wonder if living by myself is going to amplify my odd single behavior to the point that i will be un-marriagable. nah. i've been out of heat and hot water for five days, but i don't have the heart to tell my grandparents until i have the money to pay for the gas myself. i hike to my cousins to shower and bundle up like i'm sleeping on the streets just to sit on my couch. i'm serious. i wear fingerless gloves. i have a crush. i'm twenty-two years old and i have a crush. this may sound vain, but i occassionally have mini-freak outs concerning my health and appearance. i wonder about age spots and lung spots, wrinkles, freckles, stretch marks, and cellulite. i can have a zing of anxiety over whether or not i'm hydrated or whether or not that extra cigarette that one day is the reason for that crease next to my eye. i shrug and chalk it up to how much i laugh. i also sometimes worry if i bore people. i figure if they stepped inside my brain for a sec they wouldn't be bored for lack of action. my feet are always cold. i also hate when my elbows are dry. i have an extreme aversion to dark elbow skin. i worry about whether or not i floss enough and i can't sleep unless i brush my teeth, but when i brush them it wakes me up. i don't know why i sometimes need to do this. self-actualize. maybe i should do it more often. but i think about myself too much. shoot me for saying so because i've been so mum about the topic, but i was really happy when obama won the election. can't control my feelings. well i can. and do, but it isn't healthy. my sister is so beautiful. my brother and i haven't been getting along. i think maybe we're just comfortable with eachother and therefore we take out any frustration on eachother rather than exploding on an unsuspecting customer, student, or extended family member. i'm not reading this before i post it and hopefully none of my friends want to commit me after reading it. i take that back. they deserve to be committed if they take the time to read this mumbo jumbo. mumbo jumbo that reminds me of gumbo. i want to go to new orleans. i don't think i've ever had good gumbo. confession: i would love to eat gumbo at that restaurant inside of the pirates of the carribean ride in disneyland. i was told they have good gumbo. i want more scarves. there are so many things about having kids that totally scare me, but sometimes i think i'd be a pretty good mom. i have so many ideas all the time and i never do anything with them. i really need to give my creativity a kick in the pants. which takes me back to that journal i want to start...

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

according to a 3rd grader

i got to the school today and all of my students were in an uproar over the election. where they get their stats is beyond me but i found it humorous nonetheless. they repeatedly asked me if i'd voted, who i voted for, and so on and so on. when i wouldn't answer (they look up to me and i felt that sharing this information could influence them so i decided to remain neutral on the topic) they would ask whether i was a republican or a democrat, "cause that would tell us who you voted for!" i was surprised by their passion and their constant heckling of one another. even upperclassmen were getting in on the debate with my eight and nine year olds. some of the things i heard come out of their "sweet little mouths" shocked even me. i decided to squelch some of the "obama!" "mccain!" banter, by telling them when we got to the classroom, that instead of yelling at eachother we were going to write in our journals about it. the journal topic was "if you could vote, who would you vote for and why?" they were not allowed to insult either candidate or people who think differently than them. if they could only think of mean or nonsensical things to say, they were allowed to write what would happen if they were president.

here are a few of their journal responses (pardon any spelling or grammatical errors. i want to quote them exactly):

"If I could vote I would vote for McCain. Because he is lowering taxs. and not rasing them higher. and not taking guns away. if I were president everbody wood get a new XbOX." -Kamakani 9yrs. old

"I am voting for barack obama because he salutes the flag. John McCain dosen't salute the flag. If I where President on my top things would be no littering. and very Good Schools. and more dentists." Hannah 8yrs. old

"I want John McCain to be president. Because he'll stop pultion (polution), lower taxes. And he will stop people from cuting down trees. I would not vote for Obama. Because he would raise taxes." -Austin 8yrs. old

"I would vote for Obama. Because he is cool. I would not vote for McCain because he does not salute the flag. If I was presiante on every one birthday I would send them 100$ in cash. If I was presiante I would make IceCream free and give each school 3,008$ in cash for lunch." -Shaylen 9yrs. old

"If I voted for president. I would vote for Obama. He wants to protect us from suside (suicide). He wants to help schools. Hees trying to help make oil. He wants to end the irak war." -Tanner 8yrs. old

"I voted for oboma because he is asom (awesome) and blak and I think we need a blak presdedint. and He wants to take away guns so no more people get killd from guns." -Nick 9yrs. old

i just finished this post as they closed the polls. welcome to the future of these United States.

Monday, October 27, 2008

my sister. the model.

she's going places. she's funny as hell. she's beautiful all the way through. and i miss her something awful.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

beyond my better judgement

sitting out on the deck after work tonight, the smooth sounds of joe cocker drifted through the trees from the neighbors' house. listening in took me back to a time several years ago...

i was eighteen and my family was vacationing at the beach with my father's side of the family for another one of our ever-memorable reunions. my parents had been on the outs for a couple years by then. the ordeal had started two summers before, during one of these reunions, when i'd haphazardly discovered my father's affair. tony, my boyfriend of a year or so, was with us this time and i was enjoying his company at an age when any excuse to be your own person will do. my parents had made it somewhat apparent, to me anyway, that this was a last ditch effort to see if they could work things out while saving face with the extended family. one evening during those tumultuous two weeks, i sat outside on one of the house's many decks, hiding as best i could from everyone inside. the house next door was alive with romantic old time music, the clinking of wine glasses, and the sound of a couple's unburdened laughter. i can remember the way i felt that night, alone on my perch. hoping beyond my better judgement that my parents could reconcile and that the relationship i was in at the time would last forever, without heartbreak or infidelity.

at the end of that twisted two week vacation, my brothers, sister, and boyfriend all loaded into two cars. my mother and father were flying back while we made the fourteen odd hour drive. as i kissed my mother, with the others out of earshot, she whispered that it just wasn't going to happen. i looked at her, both of our eyes beginning to fill with tears, and wondered when i had become an adult, a third party, to my parents' relationship. whether it was right or not, they had forgotten that i was a child in this situation. their first born to be exact. i nodded. even though i wanted to scream and quickly turned on my heals. i think in that moment i was counting on dropping the pain with each mile that passed. it didn't exactly turn out that way, because when i got home they were there to remind me.

the convoluted tale that was 'caitlin and tony' did end in heartbreak. and infidelity. he is happily married now. i, after another failed relationship and a few question mark endings in between, am single. i am either stupid or pure of heart, but i still believe in love that lasts, whatever it is, i am hopeless about it. i don't know if it will come for me, but no matter how antsy i get for a movie soundtrack-wine glass clinking-defenseless laughter romance, something tells me there is still time.

more than anything i hope that tonight, in the house through the trees, the neighbors were dancing.

hymn #101

some dearheart must have given up my name and address to a lovely man by the name of joe pug in chicago, illinois, and today, made me the proud recipient of two discs, with two songs each, and you better believe i'm going to pay it forward.

a taste:
"i've come to get high. to do more than just get by. i've come to test the timber of my heart. oh i've come to test the timber of my heart. and i've come to be untroubled in my seeking. and i've come to see that nothing is for naught. i've come to reach out blind. to reach forward and behind. for the more i seek the more i'm sought. yea, the more i seek the more i'm sought."

Friday, October 24, 2008

in summation

...of yesterday's wordy effort to express how i'm feeling at present.

"why am i afraid to dance, i who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? why am i afraid to live, i who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colours of the earth and sky and sea? why am i afraid to love, i who love love?"

-from eugene o'neill's "the great god brown" by way of the ragamuffin gospel.

this is how you remember yourself

it is so odd to look back at what your life has been made up of up until the point you are now. it is strange to remember how you saw things when you were in them and how you see them now. how when you think you've severed your past to the point where you can regail yourself or others with the tale without it affecting you the way it once did, it hurts in a completely different way. i'm so achey lately. i'm busy, and therefore not depressed, which is good and terrible all at the same time, because it means i am simutaneously feeling better and doing a damn good job ignoring what God wants to teach me about my self-worth. and how it isn't conditional. a point i have a hard time registering for whatever reason. i perform. and measure my successes and failures against a backdrop of expectations i am not meant to meet. a good friend told me recently that i, specifically, was not designed to lead a conventional life, so i might as well stop beating myself up for not doing so. it sounds good. my thick skull, however, is making absorption of these truths quite difficult.

i think i've finally realized what a choke hold my pride has me in. i have so much love inside of me. this boiling, painful, pure love that i rarely express. atleast not in the way i want to. and definately not to all the people my heart catapults towards when they come to mind, or if i'm lucky, present themselves before me. why do i spend so much time longing and so much time being afraid of the very things i long for? there are moments, fleeting moments, usually when i am driving in a car alone, that i really do believe that God has good things planned for me, but the one thought that drowns that security is the thought that He did and still does, but i have done, and will continue to do, too many things to screw it up. that i've given away too much of my heart, so it will never be "right" enough to make love last. that i've given away too much of my body, so that it will never be "good enough" to offer to anyone again. that i've been too foolish. flaky. dishonest. and selfish. that i will get old and tired of waiting. i do not trust myself. i don't trust myself to know the difference between lasting love and the kind that turns it's fangs on you. i spend a lot of time lying in my bed at night. alone. listening to sad songs hoping to cry. but the knot in my throat won't budge. it can't be good to go this long without some sort of waterworks. even if i don't like to cry, i know that tearing up at one episode of 'extreme makeover home edition' in the last two months is not exactly healthy. i have a love/hate relationship with the connection my heart has to words. it seems a song can come on the radio and i'm helpless to stop the direction my brain goes with whatever memories the lyrics have conjured up. i can simutaneously daydream and talk myself down from whatever fairy tale life i've imagined. i get so scared of losing things i don't even have. i think fall is just a hard time for me. too many anniversaries. anniversaries of endings. but i hope they are also anniversaries of beginnings. beginnings that have not come to be...yet.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

tell 'em God just dropped by to...?

i am not trying to get in on the whole political coversation by shamelessly promoting a conservative agenda. or shamelessly promoting a liberal agenda. or by projecting my fear of where the world is going by insulting people's character, background, age, experience, heritage, or the people they associate with. if i judged Jesus by the people He associated with... i've recently seen a lot of public statements from friends, aquaintances, and strangers concerning this race, the canidates, their agendas etc. etc. many of them profess to love Jesus and i am sure they do, but the more i have examined His teachings as well as the groanings of my own heart, i have to wonder what we're on about? i for one cannot understand how we could be so caught up in the politics of this world that it would cause us to bicker and insult, when we are called to love and bring along the peace that passes all understanding. when we are called to serve a kingdom wholly(holy) other. i cannot understand how so many believers are so terrified of losing money that it would dictate their decisions about politics or anything else. can man serve both God and Mammon? how is it that one of God's children can live in abject poverty while the other drowns in wealth? moreover, i cannot understand how any believer wouldn't question the motives and means of war or whether legislating morality actually works, is in the best interest of humanity, or aligns with Father's heart for His children. is faith in God and the decision to follow His principles no longer a choice? should the choices we make concerning the way we live our lives be mandated by law? does that not reek of legalism? does that not seem opposite of the church Jesus (and Paul) spoke of? i sense that putrid spirit of religion creeping back in. i suppose in most circles it never left, just cleaverly masked itself and armed people with a sense of duty to forcibly and unlovingly insist that people see things "our" way and wallow in guilt when they do not. and in some circles it doesn't bother masking itself, because people don't mind it romping around. i will not say whether i plan to vote or not, or who i would vote for if i do. doing so would most assuredly negate my opening statements. i do know that the governing of this country is inescapable, that the election is going to happen whether believers vote or not. whether they vote for McCain, Obama, or Jesus Christ himself, i know that this whole mess will get worse before it gets better, and i know that we won't really know the whole truth (and nothing but the truth) until the end of it all. but there are a few things i believe with my whole heart. i believe we are called to rise above the system, i believe that faith is a choice and our walk with God is a relationship, a relationship that brings all the beautiful and terrible things realtionship can bring, i believe that we should sit down with our enemies, and when we sit, we should talk, and when we talk, we should treat them like they're God's creation too, because they are, i believe that loving people where they're at is what we are called to do, and that the majority of the time we're bad at it, i believe i see bits of the kingdom come to fruition every day, and that the life of a believer should include a high concentration of seeking those bits and building upon them, i believe we are called to be light in the dark places, not light in the light places, i believe (and have seen!) that americans aren't the only people in the world and i'm tired of us acting like it, i believe that i can't do a lot, but i can do a little, a lot, i believe that people, especially children, learn more from what they see us do that what we tell them to, i believe we should be aware of the way we speak, the things we say when we don't use words, the food we eat, the transportation we use, the clothes we wear, and how often we smile, i believe my grandmother would tell me that "idealism doesn't get a girl too far," but i also believe that i feel alright about where i'm going and that i will never stop questioning how i'm getting there, until i do.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

baby tomatoes

sunlit and raindrop ripened afternoons
lonely for the first time in months
and wondering...what comes next?

Sunday, September 28, 2008

i want a pair of wellies

i'm back to that point where i'm losing my head in a lot of thoughts about nothing and everything. the most mundane thought plaguing me at this moment is that i really want a new pair of wellies before the rain starts coming. whether the rain comes or not i just want a slick pair of bright boots to lift my spirits and wear all the time. especially when it isn't appropriate. or with my pajamas. or with a dress. oh and the fact that my hair is too dark. besides that i've been kept up the last two nights ruminating on what a selfish and flaky person i can be. i don't know when i all the sudden became a prisoner in my own skin. it's as if over the last few years i've become this terribly anxious person and when i'm at my worst it's almost impossible for me to communicate well (or at all) with the people i love the most. i'm not even kidding. the people who hold onto the biggest chunks of my terribly defective heart, probably don't know it. or did at one time and now question it. i keep my phone on vibrate because when it rings it makes my heart jump. i miss calls (because i never have the damn thing with me anyhow) and agonize about calling people back. not because i don't want to talk to my friends. because i do. once i call them i wonder why it was so hard to put my fingers on the keys. but for some reason it is. i have so many people i care about. so many people who hold onto pieces of my past, my present, and hopefully...my future. and i know they love me. but i'm selfish. and i'm flaky. and i don't know what to do about it. i'm going a little crazy in this trailer. i'm enjoying the town. i've seen a couple plays for free. i shop at the farmer's market every saturday. i've discovered i'm a good cook. i've met some interesting people. heard plenty of live music (played and sang a little too with my brother at a cafe in town). and have been running my butt off on the trail at the college. i don't know if it's because the job situation isn't all figured out and i'm feeling useless (which is definately playing a role) or if it's because i really have no idea what direction my life is going, or if i already know the reason i'm feeling popped off my hinges and am just too stubborn, worn out, disillusioned, or lazy to do anything about it. i gave it a thought...and...i think it's a bitter cocktail of all three. i was liking myself for a little while. now i want to be better. and i have to figure out how one goes about being...better.

Friday, August 01, 2008

a wedge come between them
like waves from different seas
they crash against it
she can't speak
he won't say
there's silent heartbreak
silent, sneaky, putrid heartbreak
the kind that makes them look
at one another apologetically
as if to say, i am sorry
i am a coward and i love you
he's too kind to tell the truth
and she's too proud to ask for it
where did so much friendship go?
it counted for something she's sure,
now all there is to do is wait
for the wedge to be removed
or their separate tides to recede

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

caravan dreams

i have to apply the truth i speak of to my own life. in the obvious and many of the not so obvious ways, i understand that i do not have to do anything to gain God's love or approval. i do, for the first time in my life, genuinely want to follow after His plan for me. i have no qualms about giving up my own will, but even though i want to do great things for the kingdom and reach new levels of relationship with Him i must not enter into them until i fully understand the knowledge that i can do nothing and still be loved, still be used. i do not have to attend ministry school in the fall, even though i was accepted, i do not have to enter into to a specific ministry, or work for a faith based operation to be considered good enough. i can't do anything without Him and i don't want to do anything "for Him" unless my intentions are pure and void of any hint of self-justification. i cannot do something because i am afraid of losing something else. and even if i lost the thing or things i speak of what would it matter in comparison to losing these absolute truths i have found? it wouldn't. it couldn't. it is like exchanging life for death. freedom for chains. discernment for confusion. peace for chaos. and love for emptiness. i would be silly and sad to think that the fear of losing something this world offers should trump the fear of damaging my relationship with Him.

Friday, June 20, 2008

the kind of grace you can't fall from

there are nights here that are like so many nights i have spent here before. summer nights. the air is sweet. warmer than usual and tempered now by something that feels like loneliness. but still sweet. i am busier than i've been in a long time. it's good for my mind and a little rough on my heart, but He is constant. there are things God is doing that are lighting my bones on fire. there is a calling He has placed on the lives of certain people here that is HUGE. it is nauseating to think that there are forces meddling with the truths Daddy has spoken over His children. telling lies that will keep them from stepping out in boldness and living in His love. there is so much on my heart concerning the way many of us focus almost entirely on what we do and don't do. do and don't DO. do and don't do. do and don't do. the more i repeat it the more my stomach aches. we are literally stuck. focused on US. rather than on His face. it sounds so ridiculous coming out of my own mouth, because i know i can't make anyone understand how much i mean it. and i REALLY mean it. i rarely see people (and have trouble myself) walking in a way that reflects the gospel of grace. infact, we deny it when we fall into the habit of keeping up appearances and the destructive patterns of behavioral control. does any of what i'm saying make sense? i know there are those that would ask "well isn't faith without deeds dead?" i think that faith translates into action, but how many of us confuse action for works? honestly. think about it. in one way or another we are trying to prove something to someone. whether it's to God or not, only you and He know, but we shouldn't be trying to prove anything to anyone. especially God. i would imagine He gets sick of hearing us tell Him what vile sinners we are when He calls us something wholly (holy) other. i would imagine He tries to get through saying, "yeah yeah i know, but i took care of that remember? would you just live loved?" i know i've mentioned before that i have experienced the heavy, all consuming fire, that is the Father's great love for us, and i don't say it again to be redundant, but if it seems so i won't apologize, because i hope i never stop telling people of His love until the day i die and even then, in glory, i'll shout about it without a thought and swim around in it all day. anyway when you experience it, it changes you, and it un-warps the way you look at the world and people and love and dating and death and laughter and crying and breathing and teaching and reading and sleeping and eating and...do you see what i'm saying? it changes everything. it gives even mundane things purpose and life and... it all means something. it all translates into something. He is constantly in us and around us and touching us and fighting for us and speaking to us.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

tired hands

i was in love once. ok twice. i think i'm starting to question what that really means when it doesn't last, and just how much of myself has been unstitched and carried off unsuspectedly by some handsome man. as of late i tend to marvel at how Jesus goes off into the mess of it and brings those pieces back, carefully passing them off to me and directing me where to sew them back in. i'm scrubbing wooden walls. dusting off the lamp shades. cleaning windows that look out into the endless forests of this place. i'm leaving. i look forward to the maddness of airport security and the feeling i get when the plane finally takes off. i'm a born traveler. it is what i would do always if i could. i still seem to do it more than most. so many faces. so many untold stories in the crowds i become part of. i love to sit and write about them. rarely published, but comforting to look back on. i'll return to this place for a few months and then i'm off on the next adventure He is orchestrating. i couldn't tell you what, or where, or how, but my heart has a few inklings. me thinks more time on my knees is needed before it is revealed. i cannot wait to be home. back with family and the people i've known so well for so long that they might as well be. i look forward to long hugs, porch swings, kissing the new baby, laughing until i cry, the smell of the midwest in the springtime, flip flops, rainstorms, coors light, bonfires, boating, dancing, talking until the wee hours, watching my baby sister graduate, seeing my father for the first time in a long (long long long) time, having coffee with my mother everyday and talking about the ins and out, ups and downs, heres and theres, wrestling my brothers and hearing them laugh, did i mention the smell of the midwest in the springtime? i do miss ohio for it's beautifully unpredictable weather and the new scents that follow every season. and i miss it for the people. and the way they wave at you when you drive down the road. and the tractors in the middle of it. and the food. and the kindness of strangers that seems unparallel to any other place i've been. and the memories. good and bad. and the old stomping grounds. and the comfort i find there. it will be odd not being here though. in this sweet old house i have once again grown accustomed too. with it's new and old faces. with it's laughs and tears. new smells. late nights. the amazing women i've grown so close to and shared so much with. sigh. my life is quite unpredictable. i seem to always be torn between at least two places. always missing someone. always romanticizing one while living in the other. in all honesty i think He's been preparing me for a life of being away. of leaving the familiar behind to follow Him. and i'm perfectly ok with that. as long as i have my words to write about the people and places that have stolen my heart, pictures to remind me, (and a decent internet connection to keep in touch) i think that will suit me just fine.

i'm loving living.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

love wash over a multitude of things

there is a Love that never fails.
there is a healing that always prevails.
there is a hope that whispers a vow.
a promise to wait while we're working it out.
so come with Your love and wash over us.

i am working it out. He is so gracious and so kind. He loves me so much more than i can fathom or ever hope to love myself. but i am going to rest in it and through all of this learn to walk in it. to be who i am. not who i think i am. not who others have told me i am. but who i am. who He created me to be. i am going to be made whole, because He promises to just that when we ask. all i have to do is surrender. even if i have to do it fifty-two times a day.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

hand me another

i am tired. i am especially tired of seeing people hurt. myself included. i realize that people are just people and that they can't be more than that. but they could be a little more sensitive. have a little more integrity. they could live with a little more gumption and honesty. myself (also) included.

that being said. the joy of music with a hand made card. a letter from home with a picture to remind me. i love getting mail. even more i am grateful for people who love me. i am blessed beyond measure. which makes the hurt worth bearing.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

happy passover

there isn't any way around the fact that when you tell Jesus he can tear you apart and rebuild you into something sharper for the Kingdom, that there are certain beings that will not be very happy. and well frankly, they'll fight you tooth and nail. they whisper lies about you. i haven't felt uglier or hated myself more than i have in the past week. i don't buy into it, but fighting twenty-four hours a day (yes even in my dreams) is exhausting. i am going through my past. sifting through it with a fine toothed comb. taking my resenments and forcing myself to see my part in them. (that's where the hating myself sneaks in. i have been quite awful to people i love the most, many many times in my life.) granted, at times i had no part. i was a victim of circumstance, but learning at the same time to forsake any trace of victim mentality. i have a wonderful mentor who has fast become a dear friend. she has a b.s. detector like you wouldn't believe. at our weekly meetings she firmly, yet lovingly, guides me through each step. giving me more "heart work" for the next week. i find it incredible that Daddy gives us people to keep us accountable and to make sure we are thorough. i could NOT have done this on my own. and there is still so much more ground to cover. i'm looking forward to the part where i get to make amends. and the part where i'm healthy. and better able to be used always. i'm breaking twenty-two years of bad habits and it is rarely easy. but, i'm uncovering the healthy parts too.(i'm not rotten all the way through you know.) oh and i know i've told him more than once, but incase you didn't hear me satan, get behind me, you're a schmuck and the battle is already won.

post script: i am aware of the fact that the title to this blog has little to do with it's content, but my friend april walked in while i was writing it and with her hands held high in the air proclaimed, "happy passover!.....it starts tonight at sundown." and quickly exited the room. and then my friend josh walked in with a makshift cape and two frying pans and proceeded to do a spiritual dance to my worship music. it is indeed going to be a happy, happy passover.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

the thing about days off...

is that you can blog twice and nobody thinks less of you.

i think i could live out of a vw van or on airplanes for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy.
a little house near the water might be nice too though.

lions of promise

bare legs.
painted toes.
a sun dress.
and new sandals.
wild curly hair.
sunglasses, old tunes.
and windowsill perching.
the scent of fresh cut grass.
today is just right.

i had a vision yesterday. it was interrupted by a quiet knock at the door. but was sweet and full of promise nonetheless.
it was of my son. one i have obviously not given birth to just yet. (insert giggle). he was two or three with a headfull of sandy curls. i was watching him from a few yards away as he sat perched on the back of a lion. he laughed and tossled the giant's mane. everything about this gift was beautiful and comforting. a promise of reconciliation among all Daddy's creatures. an assurance of peaceful days to come. it may get worse before it gets better, my friends, but until then i will continue to earnestly seek the face of the One who can breathe this divination into being.

a friend here approached me today and said he had a dream of lions attacking this place where we live and work. his words made me smile as i recalled all the work God is doing. unbeknownst to him i had prayed last night that He would send Holy Spirit to invade the grounds and the people who inhabit them. i believe that as he slept God was showing him this. as i began to walk up the stairs to my room, my friend stopped me and said, "that's not all. you know the painting you're working on? the one of the lion?" "yes." i said with a smile. (it is a painting Father gave me several weeks ago that is yet to be finished.) "i hadn't seen it before," he continued. "not until this morning, but that lion. the one in your painting. the one with flames in it's eyes. that lion was in my dream."

wow. Daddy. wow.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

until only Love remains

if only this keyboard could scream. i've been hungry before. but not like this. it gets bigger the more i feed it.

it is all consuming.

it is what i asked for.

i am just so frustrated with the things that keep me from Him. once you get it. you can't let it go. no matter how you try. He's got your heart and He tugs. or yanks, in my case. i want everything else to burn up. everything other than that, to burn. i'm not sure i can say what i mean. i guess you can't dictate something like this. i usually have the words, but mostly i just think miss jj heller does a much finer job of saying what it is i can't. and she does it with song. the way i hope to someday...

Scenes of you come rushing through
You are breaking me down
So break me into pieces
That will grow in the ground
I know that I deserve to die
For the murder in my heart
So be gentle with me Jesus
As you tear me apart

Please kill the liar
Kill the thief in me
You know that I am tired of their cruelty
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains

You burn away the ropes that bind
And hold me to the earth
The fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth
I begin to see reality
For the first time in my life
I know that I’m a shadow
But I’m dancing in your light

Teach me to be humble
Call me from the grave
Show me how to walk with you upon the waves
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains

breathe into me.
and make sure i never make You something You are not.

Monday, April 07, 2008

alright then. that smarts.

ouch. ooo. owwww. owie. ouch. burn. owwwwww.

ok. i'm over it.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

running with scissors

...or cutting with them rather.
they still sweep to the side, but when i feel so moved i can do this...

let's call it...fringe benefits.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

i am...

not sure i can begin to tell or write, speak or explain how He has moved this past weekend, but to not try would be a grave tragedy.

through the years, inspite of all the ways i have attempted to make myself too dirty to be made clean, He has always protected and often redeemed my righteousness. i have discovered that when He says be holy as I am holy, it is first a promise before it is a command. He would not ask me to do it if He wasn't both willing and able to give me the grace to see it through. i use to wrestle with myself. sometimes late at night. sometimes in bars or the houses of friends. sometimes in broad daylight. sometimes at work. at home. at school. in my car. sometimes in the middle of conversations with other people. sometimes in the middle of a kiss too passionate. i'd go back and forth between a truth buried deep and false notions of self-worth. i'd go back and forth between the life i always felt called to and the excuses mediocre christianity and the spirit of religion allow to seep through the cracks. last summer i asked God to show me His love for me. to encounter it rather. to know it. to feel it. to ruin me with it. He did and i couldn't get off the floor. literally. in the months to follow i pushed. i pushed in. He pulled me closer. He woke me up with words and visions. He blessed me. He surprised me. He spoke and for once i was obedient. in my obedience He began to bless me with desire. a genuine want to obey. to be someone He can trust. to be someone He delights in and who does not cause Him heartache.

i still would go back and forth. sometimes i would get stuck. and then He agitated me. poked. prodded. and made me itch. no more compromise cait. ok Da. no compromise cait. ok Da. ask Me. what? ask Me. give me a heart of no compromise. ok, but don't forget you asked. i won't forget.

i was walking around last week feeling like i was on the edge of something quite lofty. something reminiscent of what had happened the last time i made such a request of Him. i had been spending time with Him and making a valliant effort to sort through everything. to be steadfast and thorough. to seek wise counsel and to pray without ceasing. i read a poem. a poem written by a beautiful person i know. and it made me ask another question. how does a Father love His daughter? what does that even mean? what does it look like? how does He see her? it compounded with the first request. give me a heart of no compromise and show me what a relationship between a loving Father and His daughter looks like, untainted by my negative experiences, let me be a little girl again, and in the process reconcile me to my earthly father. big request for a small girl. small request for a big God.

i stayed up late one night this weekend wrestling. not with myself this time, but with Him. come on Daddy, i'm asking. please. i played music. i opened up His Word. i took my pen in hand and invited Him to speak. nothing. peace. and nothing more. i slept. a fitfull and strange night's sleep. after a week of spring weather, i woke to snow. everything felt like it was tipping. i couldn't put my finger on it, but something was coming. i gave Him the day and went to work. never get comfortable. that is what i have learned in walking more closely with Him. never get comfortable. sitting in the kitchen in the presence of quite a few unsuspecting onlookers the Spirit decided to move. a familiar song was playing. i asked a friend if music brought her back to certain times in her life. she said no. that she didn't have quite the connection i did with it. i told her the one playing made me feel midly sick to my stomach because of the time in my life it was tied to. i began to tell her how certain artisits and albums reminded me of my childhood and like that i was gone. literally transported to a different time. i was about 6. at a wedding reception or holiday party of sorts. a day i had not thought of in many years. a song by an artist previously mentioned began to play and my dad caught my eye from across the room. i don't ever remember him looking at me that way. he held out his hand and said simply, "dance with me." and i did. and found myself ruined the way i was ruined last summer. a wild mess of tears and laughter. i believe i caught everyone off guard and couldn't have cared less. in that moment i understood a Father's love for His daughter for the first time in my life and it was heavy. so heavy. in the aftermath all i can do is smile and look forward to this next level. i had been standing on the edge of a breakthrough and i trust, that like before, the months to follow will only bring me deeper.

no compromise.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

let me kiss Your feet...

i'm already on the floor.
with my alabaster jar.

i love You.

Friday, March 14, 2008

no matter how i feel inside

i keep having this wonderful vision. i'm sitting at an upright piano writing a song. i don't know where it is, but i know the house i'm in is mine. i have a cat on my lap. i'm wearing a red shirt that buttons down the back. the room looks like something i would put together and there is a small jar full of hand picked flowers on top of the piano. i did not pick them. i am keenly aware of the fact that i am loved by someone special. i don't know who that person is, but his presence in my life is something i feel very sure of sitting there.

i have moments lately where i am very lonely. not the kind of lonely that friends can fix. i drove to my grandparents last week, because family and that town are the sweetest rest my bones can ever find. it felt so good to be out on the road again. at one point i glanced at the passenger seat and wished i was in it. the tears that followed caught me off guard. i felt angry for a moment. abandoned. very tired of putting on the brave face and saying i'm ok with "doing my own thing." and then i heard Him say, "i'm sitting here. reach out your hand." so i did. it landed on the arm rest, but did not hit fabric. my hand was on top of His hand. my tiny hand on His. my tears gave way to laughter and i was reassured. on the switch backs of the 49, He told me that if i would just trust the truth that has been spoken and seek the truth that will be, the rest will come. even the upright. the button down. the cat on my lap. the flowers in a jar. and a love to be sure of.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

gold mine gutted

i want to write it on a piece of paper and stuff it in a bottle. i want to record myself saying it over and over and over again. and do God knows what with the bottle or the tape when i'm finished. i want to get in a car and yell it out the window at random strangers. i want to spray paint it in what is left of the snow. i want to write a song about it and sing it until everyone around me plugs their ears. i want to pay a plane to spell it out on a banner and drag it through the sky over a crowded beach. i want to stick my fingers in paint and spell it out all over my body. or canvas. whichever is more readily available. i want to call everyone i know and tell them too. i want to write it in a book. i want to make up a code so i can hide it in mundane messages. i want to spell it out in invisible ink on everything you own. i want to be able to stare at a picture and make you feel it. but i wouldn't need to do any of this if you'd give me space to say it to your face.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

here's the question

what does it mean to stand still?

to stay in one place even when it itches?

i think i realized through a series of events (and by series i do mean one. right. after. the other.) that i am not comfortable staying in one place longer than i have to. i know i've moved around my entire life and perhaps this has a lot to do with it, but i am constantly looking to the next thing. where will i be in the fall? Da made it very clear where i will NOT be in the fall and now it is my turn to rest in that. why not here? why not? what makes me think i have to go anywhere? or prove anything? to anyone? what about seeing something through? what about listening until it is made clear? what about taking time to recognize and then draw out my passions and my giftings? what about surrounding myself with beauty and actually looking up every once in a while? i crave freedom, but sometimes fail to recognize that the only thing the standards of this world or other people offer is bondage. please keep reminding me of that.

i think that was more to God than anyone else.

also. i still love you.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

so it appears

my hands lost their cool this morning. i splashed my entire cup of coffee all over the floor and things i prefer to keep dry. i dropped a water bottle on my frozen toes. walk it off. i don't think it coincidence that when i am taking the neccessary steps to total surrender that the little frustrations creep up and have their fun. i had an unread message in my inbox last night. it was from a friend of mine. she'd sent it sometime last summer. somehow i'd never read it. it said "i miss you." that friend died almost four months ago. apparently Da wasn't kidding when He said He was going to make me face things. apparently we're having it out. apparently there is going to be some heart searching. wretching. healing. apparently.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008


a girl can only say she's sorry so many times and then she just has to show you, but if you never give her the chance, you'll miss out on seeing how much she means it and just how beautiful forgiveness can be.
the fog comes in as a whispy white blanket atop the trees and lingers for days. if i stand on the back porch looking out for long enough i can remember nights when the voices of friends would bubble up behind me and the boards would creak beneath our feet and heavy laughter. our smoke trails lingering or mixing with the mist if we exhaled hard enough. sometimes forming the shapes of animals or insects in our imaginations and causing the younger of us to giggle, her eyes always sparkling, especially when we made them just for her. a butterfly from you, she'd say. a catipillar. an elephant. a moose if you dare. she'd clap and say she saw it even if the wind made it impossible. i can say i miss those nights, but i do not miss those days. the pain i carried was so deep and disheartening. unnessecary and overpowering. the night, the moon, the porch, the mist, the friends, they were my solace. my comforter. God revealing Himself in the mundane, offereing me a place of rest. a more consistant back porch experience, if you will. a way of taking those nights into the days ahead and not bearing my self-imposed baggage alone, but handing it over and not wallowing in the what's or where's or who's or how's, but enjoying the moments when what makes sense is that nothing make sense and without Him it would be impossible to bear the uncertainity that any given day may bring.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

this is she

i'm in the mood for a little self-actualization and honesty.

caitlin meadow mccarthy. age 22. 5 feet 7 inches tall. non-smoker. (the last one is still weird to say out loud). i have an extreme distaste for gummy bears. i had a bad experience once. i drink my coffee black. i've started calling God "da" because calling Him God seems far too impersonal compared to the very personal nature of our relationship as of late. i'm "this close" to being "educated." He tells me i'll be able to finish that degree someday. ever since i was little i've had a place i go to in my head. people who know me well or love me differently can tell when i go there. when i was younger Jesus would meet me there. i tried to push Him out for a while and sometimes for a split second i still try to hide. things get messy and dark during those times. He always comes back or finds me in the corner. not that He ever actually leaves or forgets where i am, but true love never forces the other person to reciprocate. the beauty is in the choosing. i can't eat taco bell without drinking mountain dew. but i think yellow number five and fast food are terrible terrible things. i often secretly want dread locks and a tattoo. or two. i move around a lot because it is all i've ever known, but it means i'm always missing someone. i don't hold on to jobs or boyfriends for longer than three years. i've never been fired, but i tend to get antsy and disenchanted with the work. and the boys. well i guess they get antsy and disenchanted with me. i have a small scar on my right wrist nobody every notices. it's from a kook of a rabbit i was holding when i was ten or so. it got scared by a donkey and scratched the living daylights out of me. i just remember laughing. and bleeding. "silly rabbit. stupid ass." is all my brother offered. it takes me a while to let people in. it takes an even longer while for me to fall in love. but i'm loyal. often to a fault. i used to have quite the temper. i'm painfully prideful. although i'm getting better. it is really more of a daily "bend my will to Yours Lord......ahhh go ahead and break it really. its the only way we're going to get around it anyhow." i talk about my tummy (and its relations) a lot, because its on the fritz 98% of my waking life. i'm secretly quite romantic and by the grace of God have remained so inspite of heartbreak and evidence contrary to romance's exsistence. however dismal, my favorite colour is grey. and i enjoy spelling both of those words that way. when i don't have time to wash my hair, i wear a hat. i genuinely enjoy each member of my family. immediate and extended. i've learned not everyone can say that. i like pillows. i want a room full of them someday. the idea of being a wife excites me. as does being a mother (both naturally and through adoption). but only when i am ready. only when He says i am ready. i stopped watching t.v. and am a better person for it. i use to not be able to peel oranges because of the way it made my fingers smell. i can now. i know how to be manipulative and i use to use it to my advantage. i feel sorry about that. i'm letting my hair go wild.

i think the thing that shocks me about all the things i just wrote down and all the things i didn't, is that the girl i was not long ago would have let them define her. or allowed others to define her because of them. i don't anymore. i'm in the proccess of embracing my quirks and recognizing my faults, because Jesus told me He loves me for (or inspite of) them. He is in me. and His glory is man fully alive.

i want to bring Him glory. i want to be fully alive.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

fight club

she references a favorite film
to explain away his cruelty.
perhaps he felt
like destroying something beautiful.
she can relate.
though typically she'd channel the urge
and end up breaking icicles
or pulling petals off a flower.
not seeking
and then disregarding,
another human heart.
but,nothing beautiful
can ever really be destroyed
and she is like the icicles that melt
and rain down again to freeze
or the the flower
that still spreads her seed.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

three feet deep

it amazes me that late at night. alone in my bed. at the end of an emotinally trying day, i am still overwhelmed with gratitude. the God i serve is nothing less than indescribable. i am in awe of many things. like the beautiful people He puts right in front of you at exactly the right time. and the beautiful people that He has to take away, because He wants the best for them as well. sometimes i get so excited for what He is bringing. i can feel somewhere in my heart that He is going to take me places i never dreamed of being, both physically and spiritually. i am ready and willing. so willing. i occassionally get a little antsy. "where God? where will you take me? what Lord? what will i do? who Father? who will you put by my side? when Jesus? when? when?" and then i laugh, because i sense Him laughing at my giddy anticipation. and i look around me into the forest and the mounds of endless snow. at the mountains and the way the sun makes them look a million different colours all at once and how the mist plays peekaboo with the trees. and i know i am exactly where i am supposed to be. doing exactly what He wants me to be doing. even if it seems small to others. even if it is just broken people living in community together, fighting along side eachother, praying, laughing, crying, getting sick, healing, and serving everyone who comes across our paths in whatever way He wants us to serve them. it is something. it is a place to learn exactly what it means to be His hands and feet. a place to get lost in Father's heart. a place to sit back and marvel at creation. free from stop lights and smog. free from traffic or television. a place where it is safe to change. where people allow God to move rather than holding you in a place you no longer fit. i am nothing short of blessed. His grace overwhelms me. i know i don't deserve it, but i am accepting it more each day. His timing, which often seems as slow as molasses to my fickle human understanding, is perfect. i will wait on Him. in darkness or in light.

but those who wait on the Lord
shall renew their strength
they shall mount up with wings like eagles
they shall run and not be weary,
they shall walk and not faint
isaiah 40:31

Friday, January 25, 2008


today, my hair
is all the wrong
in all the wrong
today, my eyes
are tired
especially of not
seeing you
today, my feet
are clumsier
but it could just
be the snow
today, i don't feel pretty
in any sense
of the word
or out
or down

Monday, January 14, 2008

here goes nothing

it is 3:06 in the morning. i leave for the airport in a little over two hours. i have not gone to bed yet. i assure you i won't be going to bed anytime soon. my best friend is asleep next to me. one of the cats is exploring and randomly knocking things over in the room. he gives me a start everytime. the dogs are snoring. loudly. i am exhausted. no other way to put it. physically drained. i haven't had more than a few hours of sleep a night (sometimes as little as 2) in over two weeks. i have packed up, thrown out, or given away everything i own. as i was tossing the last bag of donated items into the trunk today i realized that i no longer have a home here. what a strange feeling! my family will have been in ohio ten years this next summer. coming from germany (ireland, california, etc. etc. before that) we were an odd bunch. by the grace of God and a little coaxing we became better accustomed to the culture in a small midwestern town and i made beautiful friends (one of them being the woman sleeping next to me. i don't know what i would do without her. even when we drive eachother up a wall.) i went through school, acquired a lot (and probably lost a little.) knowledge, did a few stupid things, had a lot of laughs, got my heart broken, re-discovered a lovely little place in the mountains of the sierra nevadas and after two years of the back and forth i am finally taking the plunge. i thought about it today and smiled to think i have financially backed this entire move myself. plane tickets, bills, spending money etc. i'm a big girl now. (sung to the tune of the pull-ups commercial of course.) pray for me. i have no idea what i am doing.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

summer '07

i am packing. packing to move far away. packing to move far away for an undisclosed amount of time. this most assuredly requires a certain amount of cleaning out. of going through things. like pictures and journals and gifts. memories in boxes. memories in frames. here are a few things i found.


it doesn't matter how many days
or smokes
or kisses and hugs
have passed between us.
friends like us
are inseperable
tied together
by something much more
than these old bones
and tired eyes.
when hearts share beats
and smiles
and tears
for even a short amount of time
it allows all involved
a glimpse of something bigger.
bigger than
our minds could make up
or substance could create.

journal entry:

you can't draw out your life on paper hoping that somewhere along the way you'll get it right. you can't day dream up the dimensions of your future without missing something. i hate that i can't stop thinking about you. i hate even more the fact that i don't want to. i must be falling in love, because silly things i let bother me before are now insanely attractive. i know one thing for sure. if we end up married, i'd never get bored.

-dock talk-

new friends and narcissistic stars,
catching our reflections in the lake.
we smoke too much
and take canoes to the island to play.
we don't even know eachothers' birthdays,
but none of that matters when
we can laugh and mean it
for the first time in days...

perhaps i will share more as i uncover more of my past selves. this could get personal. hah