i'm ashamed of all my somethings

i really can't keep doing this.i degrade myself to the point of utter and total self-hatred.i replay things that never should have happened over and over again in my mind until i have to close my eyes, shake my head, and breath out hard pushing the memories out as the salt in my tears burns the edges of my eyes.trying not to get sick all over myself.i don't like hating myself, but i am deserving of it.i just want to disapear.

god-i am so sorry for not listening to you.i know this is you breaking me.i am sorry that i have to be brought to my bleeding and broken knees before i get the message.you never stop giving, you never stop reminding me of your love, and its as if i laugh in your face and walk away telling you i can handle it, when really everything i touch without you burns me and usually ends up exploding in my face.all my efforts to make myself clean leave me putrid and filthy.it really is growing up time.my life up until this point has been a funeral procession and it is time for me to finally accept it and die to self.

the only way out is through

i wanted to drive by your house today. just to pass by and say hi. but i was sure that if i did all the memories would overwhelm me, rushing out of my mind, fogging my vision and tingling all the way down to my fingertips and feet, making it impossible for me to continue steering or otherwise. i would pull over to have a good cry, the one i haven't let myself have since i came home for you.i even made myself stop at your funeral, i couldn't let the saddness take over because our friends needed something else from me then. perhaps next time i'm out that way i should just go by and get it over with.