appetite for life

you know God loves you when you're sad and listening to simon and garfunkel and at the exact part in scarborough fair when they croon "a sprinkling of leaves" the tree in front of you lets a handful or two cascade to the forest floor. and you smile.

polka dot socks

two things i really hate:
1. static cling
2. marzipan


static cling girl (she hates it too and she's piiiiisssed)

brain sucker outer 3000

i've been crap doodling for days. i don't have a scanner yet so the words "static cling" on static cling girl's shirt are backwards. there is writing on the bottom of the other drawing too, but i just typed them for you instead. enjoy my slow decent into maddness. i am.

oragami

i had an urge. hella make-up at one in the morning and a mini photo sesh in my livingroom.

marge simpson's hair don't

i've come to the conclusion that this blog is not always a true refelction of my personality, because i only blog when i am either

a. manic

or

2. taking myself too seriously.

sooooo. i've decided to write more often and not filter myself so much through the collinder that is "how others may percieve me." so there. i tried to type the noise that comes when you stick your tongue out at someone, but it didn't really work. "plllllllltttthhhhhhhh" is the closest i can get. besides there's like five of you that read this right? when i'm famous there will be more followers i'm sure, but by then i'll have to tuck away some of my older posts and you'll be the only ones to have read my deepest darkest buuuullll. today at work i had several funny moments with myself. one in particular came when i was bent over stocking to-go containers, like fully-at the waist-touch them toes guurl-bent over, and this couple walked in the door and my ASS was the first thing that greeted them. there were none of the other waitresses out front until after they were already inside the door and long after i had realized they were there. how embaressing is that? it's like "hi! welcome to el jardin! still wanna eat?" doubtful. i didn't even say anything. i let someone else deal with them. thank goodness they ate on the patio. i could officially wash my hands of them and their culinary explorations. i'm sure they were nice, but we got way too personal way too fast and i just couldn't bring myself to invest further in the relationship. this reminds me of another time not so long ago that i made an ASS (hahaha get it?) out of myself at the same job. this interesting guy about my age showed up alone and he was really friendly and asked for a table on the patio. i obliged. he asked me how i was doing as i set his chips and salsa on the table. i answered and asked him the same. he answered. then after putting his hand on his cheek he began to talk to me more. i was kind of interested in what he was saying so i gave the obligatory "hmmms," "yeas," and "uh huhs." he then asked me another question and just as i was getting ready to answer he raised the hand he'd apparently been holding his jaw together with, and pointed to his CELL PHONE! hah! i was carrying on a conversation with a man who was talking to someone else! i could have died. i sent another waitress out there and once again avoided the patio for the rest of his dining experience. sometimes. blithering idiot. i am.

i am embracing my strangeness.
and reading more.
oh and i need need need matching (top and bottom) plaid (preferably flannel) pajamas.

get your egg-nog on.

mr. coffee

drip-drop-drip-sizzle
coffee pot magic tricks
black, hot, perfect pour
fill mine and yours
back porch mornings
my cousin and me
smoke trails and
squinty eyed smiles
wishing work wasn't
two hours away
and the day's light
would last long after.

oh november

perfectly intoxicating poem for the month of november. i would imagine it best if read to you by a man with a sweet voice while sipping a cup of licorice spice tea...

annabel lee
by: edgar allan poe


It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.
I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love -
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.
And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulcher
In this kingdom by the sea.
The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me
Yes! that was the reason
(as all men know, In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.
But our love was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we
Of many far wiser than we
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.
For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling, my darling, my life and my bride,
In the sepulcher there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.

stream of unconcsiousness

ACHTUNG! you don't have to read this if you don't want to. it was for me. an emptying out of sorts.

i think old time movie stars look terribly romantic with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths. extreme home makeover makes me cry. i like when guys have hair that falls in front of their eyes. i think my earlobes are different sizes, but i don't have measurments to prove it. i want to start collecting my thoughts and sketches in a creative journal again, because my head is going to explode. i don't watch much tv, but i've noticed that i keep the cosby show playing in the background late at night so my house doesn't feel so lonely. i don't really like pop-tarts. i have quite a catalogue of music in my head. i wish i knew more. i get my first paycheck tomorrow after working two jobs unpaid for over a month. how does that work? i think i'm a biblical socialist. i've seen a newer and even uglier side of conservative christianity in the process and the wake of this election. apparently if you vote against that grain you don't love God. that hurts. i am totally terrified that i don't have what it takes to grow up. i just want to be me. i often wonder if i will ever own a house. it seems so permanent. i would rather ride a bike or public transit than drive a car, but i love sunday drives. does that make me a bad person? i just made myself laugh out loud at that question, because it doesn't make me a bad person. i cannot get the image of this book i used to l-o-v-e when i was a kid out of my head. it was my mom's when she was a kid and it was about this black cat and i remember the way it smelled and the way the pages felt on my finger tips and how i would read it really slowly and be careful not to bend it to much, because the binding was so loose. i love riding horses and i get to soon. i really think i play out my life like a movie. i'm getting to know my manager and i think we're going to be friends. she sees her life like a movie too. i wonder if living by myself is going to amplify my odd single behavior to the point that i will be un-marriagable. nah. i've been out of heat and hot water for five days, but i don't have the heart to tell my grandparents until i have the money to pay for the gas myself. i hike to my cousins to shower and bundle up like i'm sleeping on the streets just to sit on my couch. i'm serious. i wear fingerless gloves. i have a crush. i'm twenty-two years old and i have a crush. this may sound vain, but i occassionally have mini-freak outs concerning my health and appearance. i wonder about age spots and lung spots, wrinkles, freckles, stretch marks, and cellulite. i can have a zing of anxiety over whether or not i'm hydrated or whether or not that extra cigarette that one day is the reason for that crease next to my eye. i shrug and chalk it up to how much i laugh. i also sometimes worry if i bore people. i figure if they stepped inside my brain for a sec they wouldn't be bored for lack of action. my feet are always cold. i also hate when my elbows are dry. i have an extreme aversion to dark elbow skin. i worry about whether or not i floss enough and i can't sleep unless i brush my teeth, but when i brush them it wakes me up. i don't know why i sometimes need to do this. self-actualize. maybe i should do it more often. but i think about myself too much. shoot me for saying so because i've been so mum about the topic, but i was really happy when obama won the election. can't control my feelings. well i can. and do, but it isn't healthy. my sister is so beautiful. my brother and i haven't been getting along. i think maybe we're just comfortable with eachother and therefore we take out any frustration on eachother rather than exploding on an unsuspecting customer, student, or extended family member. i'm not reading this before i post it and hopefully none of my friends want to commit me after reading it. i take that back. they deserve to be committed if they take the time to read this mumbo jumbo. mumbo jumbo that reminds me of gumbo. i want to go to new orleans. i don't think i've ever had good gumbo. confession: i would love to eat gumbo at that restaurant inside of the pirates of the carribean ride in disneyland. i was told they have good gumbo. i want more scarves. there are so many things about having kids that totally scare me, but sometimes i think i'd be a pretty good mom. i have so many ideas all the time and i never do anything with them. i really need to give my creativity a kick in the pants. which takes me back to that journal i want to start...

according to a 3rd grader

i got to the school today and all of my students were in an uproar over the election. where they get their stats is beyond me but i found it humorous nonetheless. they repeatedly asked me if i'd voted, who i voted for, and so on and so on. when i wouldn't answer (they look up to me and i felt that sharing this information could influence them so i decided to remain neutral on the topic) they would ask whether i was a republican or a democrat, "cause that would tell us who you voted for!" i was surprised by their passion and their constant heckling of one another. even upperclassmen were getting in on the debate with my eight and nine year olds. some of the things i heard come out of their "sweet little mouths" shocked even me. i decided to squelch some of the "obama!" "mccain!" banter, by telling them when we got to the classroom, that instead of yelling at eachother we were going to write in our journals about it. the journal topic was "if you could vote, who would you vote for and why?" they were not allowed to insult either candidate or people who think differently than them. if they could only think of mean or nonsensical things to say, they were allowed to write what would happen if they were president.

here are a few of their journal responses (pardon any spelling or grammatical errors. i want to quote them exactly):

"If I could vote I would vote for McCain. Because he is lowering taxs. and not rasing them higher. and not taking guns away. if I were president everbody wood get a new XbOX." -Kamakani 9yrs. old

"I am voting for barack obama because he salutes the flag. John McCain dosen't salute the flag. If I where President on my top things would be no littering. and very Good Schools. and more dentists." Hannah 8yrs. old

"I want John McCain to be president. Because he'll stop pultion (polution), lower taxes. And he will stop people from cuting down trees. I would not vote for Obama. Because he would raise taxes." -Austin 8yrs. old

"I would vote for Obama. Because he is cool. I would not vote for McCain because he does not salute the flag. If I was presiante on every one birthday I would send them 100$ in cash. If I was presiante I would make IceCream free and give each school 3,008$ in cash for lunch." -Shaylen 9yrs. old

"If I voted for president. I would vote for Obama. He wants to protect us from suside (suicide). He wants to help schools. Hees trying to help make oil. He wants to end the irak war." -Tanner 8yrs. old

"I voted for oboma because he is asom (awesome) and blak and I think we need a blak presdedint. and He wants to take away guns so no more people get killd from guns." -Nick 9yrs. old

i just finished this post as they closed the polls. welcome to the future of these United States.