what if

i did what i want to do right now. what if i took off in a car full of nothing but good music and cheap cigarettes. what if i took a map, but never looked at it. what if i stopped at truck stops and made small talk with waiters and truck driving men. what if i fell asleep in the back seat with no one else around. what if i could let myself be carefree. i've had enough of trying so damn hard. i want to get on the highway with no clear plan. i want to drive to the ocean and go skinny dipping without blinking an eye. what if i did. what if i stopped at every bar and flirted with the cowboys in front of their girlfriends. what if i finally wrote music for all the songs in my head. what if i drank good wine in vineyards and got asked to dance. i want to climb mountains and sleep next to streams. i want to ride a wave again. when did i stop fully living. what if i stopped stalling. i want skylines and sunshine. i want to actually cry without making myself stop or worrying about how red my face gets. i want to sing until i run out of words and keep my hand out the window through every state. what if i never let anything pass me by ever again. what if i loved fully and without out fear. what if i worked an honest day again. like that summer on the farm. got up with the sun and went to sleep to the sound of crickets and porch swings. what if i picked up a paint brush again. what if i danced in every rain storm and laughed at the lightning. i think i'll be finished with this halfway living thing now. i think i'll drop the what ifs off the front of every one of these sentences. no matter how long it takes. what if. i want to wake up every morning with a purpose. with a clear head and clean lungs. i want to live out every day so that by the end of it my muscles ache and my mind is eager for dreaming. i'm going to. i will. if i don't i think i'll die here. young. and lonely. and half the woman i know i could be.

the list

i'm afraid:

of growing up and being bored with life. of sitting across the table from my significant other and not having anything to talk about. or walking eight feet apart on the sidewalk. of not being able to laugh at myself. of never finding a love that lasts. or of not feeling secure in that love. of settling. of falling for you anyway. of my someday children hating me. of losing people i love to their pain and addiction. that recently i've compromised my values to make those around me feel better about themselves. of people meeting me and not recognizing god in my eyes. of never going after what i want most. of apathy. and procrastination. of wasting any day because each is a gift. and of letting myself chase after happy.

tales from the stoop

since moving to the city i've spent a lot of time 'stoopin' it." this secondary space will strictly contain tales from my front porch. it isn't much. just more of my silly observations of life, love, and people.

laughing with

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’re starving or freezing or so very poor

No one laughs at God
When the doctor calls after some routine tests
No one’s laughing at God
When it’s gotten real late
And their kid’s not back from the party yet

No one laughs at God
When their airplane start to uncontrollably shake
No one’s laughing at God
When they see the one they love, hand in hand with someone else
And they hope that they’re mistaken

No one laughs at God
When the cops knock on their door
And they say we got some bad news, sir
No one’s laughing at God
When there’s a famine or fire or flood

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke
God can be funny,
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious
Ha ha
Ha ha

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’ve lost all they’ve got
And they don’t know what for

No one laughs at God on the day they realize
That the last sight they’ll ever see is a pair of hateful eyes
No one’s laughing at God when they’re saying their goodbyes
But God can be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke
God can be funny,
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one laughing at God in hospital
No one’s laughing at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God when they’re starving or freezing or so very
poor

No one’s laughing at God
No one’s laughing at God
No one’s laughing at God
We’re all laughing with God

thanks regina. thanks quinny.

paranoid android

it took me half the distance home to make sense of the sinking feeling in my gut. it took me half the distance home to realize what exactly my heart was doing as i watched you get smaller in the rear view. it took me half the distance home to realize that i wasn't getting sick at all. no not dying. but coming alive. like i promised you were so many days ago as you lay shaking in my bed. it took me half the distance home to be honest with myself. and realize that falling might not be the worst thing i could do right now. what's wrong with hope?

however false?

pent up

i hopped a train to louisiana and i didn't think about you the whole way. i bit my fingernails until they bled. and i sang with a man who played the guitar like he was born holding it in his firm grip. i wouldn't let him touch me. i've never felt so alone while loving someone so well. and when my feet hit the bricks i thought long and hard about letting a street car hit me. but all i could see then was your face. and i hated you for being gone even when you're close. and being there even when i'm far.

-----------------------

i traced my fingers along all your scars. ones unseen. my favorites. the one under the left side of your rib cage with the ridges i love so much. the one above your collar bone that refuses to tan with the rest of you. the one down your middle. evidence that you've had every evil thing gutted from your belly and the only things put back in and sewed up were the good things. the beautiful things. like your green eyes in sunlight. like your strong fingers on pearly black and whites. like cigarette smoke trailing from your perfect mouth. your skin under water. or the sounds you make in sleep.

-----------------------

tip of the hat
top of the bottle
who wants the poison?
how do you make light
of shoe strings tied too tight?
make two bunny ears
one bunny goes around the tree
and into the hole
pull tight!
three times
i closed my eyes
loop swoop and pull

-----------------------

black curls shade blue windows to a soul less impure than she thinks. her heart bleeds gold. gold choked by neglect. strangled by fear and tempered by loneliness. but she shines in a dark room. questions her worth while proving it. and i wonder how i got so lucky as to share diluted blood with this broken angel.