writings & words that have been getting me through:
and crumpled bed linens
i want a rocking chair
and forty happy years
added to my life
so i can sit
and look back on all the years
and smile with tears in my eyes
because i loved those years
even when life hurt.
and i won't fret then
like i do now
and maybe if i'm lucky
the hands i like to hold now
will be the hands i still hold
and they'll have changed
but wiser and wrinkled from use
and my own hands still small,
will be more spotted,
with fissures and bonier knuckles.
and they won't ache to hold on to the past
or tire themselves with trying to control the future
they'll just be
and my hands
and the rocking chairs
looking out at the mist
'therefore, as god's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. forgive as the lord forgave you. and over all these virtues put on love which binds them all together in perfect unity.'
what does this look like every day? when i don't feel like it?
when i read this before work i like myself better while i'm there.
lately i've been forced to think about marriage and saying forever, because i've very much fallen in love. sometimes i feel euphorically positive about the prospect, because i feel i've 'defeated' my past and 'growed myself all up' in the romantic love department. but the truth is i don't think we can. i think we can allow our past hurts to be healed and we can grow in that healing, but at the end of the day we're human and especially if your heart has been banged around a bit, it's pretty near impossible to never feel insecure or just plain terrified that this could all go wrong too. 'just like the others.' but every time i even start to think about sticking my claws out and poking holes in this new love, i am disarmed. and with every disarming the next attack my fears design feels weaker than the last. and i think that's a good sign. i sincerely don't know much about much, but it seems to me that a love worth fighting for isn't much of a fight. don't get me wrong...it can be hard, but the fact that i feel this safe even when i'm scared, well...that feels like truth to me.
and then i re-read this from good 'ol kahlil gibran (on marriage)
'you were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. you shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days. ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God. but let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of heaven dance between you. love one another, but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, even as the strings of the lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. for only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. and stand together yet not too close together: for the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not each other's shadow.'
and i kinda liked that. maybe more than before.
there's a lot more going on round here.
perhaps another night.