let's be honest

i took this picture at an art show i went to a few weeks ago. i really only posted it today because i feel very ordinary. and plain. and boring and i think somewhere i must think that by posting this picture it'll make me appear more exciting. like i do things. like go to art shows in oakland. and drink the free wine. and see people i kind of know. and give each other a wave. or a head nod. or whatever.

blood will

deny blood if the price is right
if the risk is too great
the chance to save face too high
if the payment brings enough pleasure
because it can't. won't.
refuses to see the end
when blood is all you got.
and its futile attempts
at kissing your ass
have failed to entertain
or protect its good name.

it's like

stretching. and like getting ripped to shreds. and questioning how you've gotten to where you are. and who you really are. and what you stand for. and the kind of person you want to be. like wondering if anyone feels like telling the truth or hearing yours. and questioning whether friends who said nice things in the good times meant them when it's bad. and it's like getting to a place in your life where you really like yourself and then forgetting why. it's like refusing to see people as the sum of their mistakes. but acknowledging that we all make our own beds. it's like giving all you've got with the best of intentions and then realizing that for some people that will never be enough.

help

i love november and leaves and cider and pumpkins and season appropriate poetry and naps and books and road trips and robes.

i obviously don't mind bad punctuation when i'm in a rush to say something.

i do however hate apathy.

oh and...

thanks to two of my loveliest friends on the planet, who happen to be married, i had my hand at rekindling the creativity i've been hard pressed to muster and got a great new pair of boots in the process.

photographic evidence:

camel 99's

it makes me sad to think i left this much time unaccounted for with words. it has been hard to find them. my life has in many ways been a whirlwind these past months and i am just now beginning to have the energy to come back to center. i don't have much to say to convey the chaos. or the joy. or the heartbreak. but i am willing to make decisions, however hard, to rebuild a life in which i am comfortable creating and dreaming and growing again. i've made nice with some beautiful new people who like having me around. i have my 'baby' brothers with me once again and am enjoying watching them become men. good men. and have also come to understand that people you love will sometimes do ugly things and it doesn't mean you have stop loving them. just maybe stop living with them. i've spent the majority of the last couple years feeling as though i am on the verge of something big. and as the pieces slowly start to shift and take shape in the corners of my puzzle-life i am feeling excited again. i'm closer to the edge than i was before and as long as i stay brave i think the things i am passionate about doing with my time here will come to be. and soon.

i'm thinking on a lot. and trying to keep my boots light.

cinnamon lies-finished and renamed

so i finished it. my brother had a guitar part he could never quite put lyrics to. i sang him the start to the song i couldn't finish and in an hour we had this piece hammered out. it is special to both of us. and very personal. he really pushed me to be honest about my pain and it brought closure and bravery to a situation that previously had none. that fact is reflected in the last verse. he sings a beautiful harmony on both the chorus and bridge. we should be performing it live along with the other music our group has been working on very soon. recording in two weeks. eeep.

your liver and i

sometimes your lips taste like cinnamon
sometimes they taste like lies
don't tell me that there's no way around this
cause i've seen your insides and i won't settle

chorus:
oh he(she) looks at me
oh he(she) looks at me

sometimes the bottle gets the best of you
and the devil he is nipping at your toes
but i've never heard a sound ring so true
than when your fingers strike those ivory keys

oh he(she) looks at me
oh he(she) looks at me

bridge:
i think (i think) your liver and i feel the same
you've put us both (put us both) through so much pain
so go ahead (go ahead) drink your days away
there's got to be (got to be) another way

sometimes i can't make sense of the hold you got on me
and i've always wanted to keep that in
but someone we both know drug it out of me
and now its on the table not the bottom of the sea

oh he(she) looks at me
oh he(she) looks at me

sometimes your eyes burn holes in mine
maybe there's no way around it this time