was there ever a time when it was easier to cry out to God? when people didn't mistake spiritual unrest for insanity? when we weren't prescribed pills for depression or anxiety because it was known that their root was separation from the Father? not that i don't believe that the brain can have certain imbalances, but if i didn't think i would be arrested i would probably tear my clothes and scream. dance naked in my yard, like david. unashamed. i would seek nothing, but His peace and love and company. always. my heart breaks most recently for the fact that there are so many things that attempt to separate me from my Jesus and i let them! i am falling in love with a man who has been in love with me since before i was known in this world and i let myself get distracted. i do things that hurt Him and then i wonder why i hide my eyes in shame the next day. i can't bear this life alone. without Him. without fellowship. without worship and constant prayer. how do i tap into the blessings He has promised me? how do i "go in peace" ? how do i love with the fervor He calls us to? how do i make myself of use when i despise myself? i guess that is the problem. i need to believe what He says about me. He says that i am holy. beloved. forgiven. why then do i walk around black and blue from believing what anyone other than Him says or has said about me? why do i look in the mirror and allow myself to call His creation ugly, fat, hateful, and despised? why do i let my worth be defined by the way ungodly men treat me? hasn't He given me examples of how godly men see me? yes. then why? why do i buy into these lies? why do i seem to take one step forward and two steps back? why do i feign ignorance, when i know He has given me wisdom? my friends look to me for advice and instead of giving them answers i know to be true, i tell them what they want to hear. and if i do offer them truth, they rarely want to hear it and seek "truth" elsewhere. i need a true spiritual friend. someone to talk to. someone to pray for me and keep me accountable. some i have looked to for support think that i am looking to them for what only God can give me. this is untrue. i need a friend who can recognize my vulnerability at this time. this is a call on their life as well, to comfort me with the comfort God has given them. and that is biblical. i believe i have acquiesced to this call before. i am seeking Him. actively. i know i cannot find true love or true peace anywhere, but in His arms. but He did not ask us to do this alone. He intends for us to talk and cry and laugh and fight and seek alongside each other. i pray for someone to come alongside me. to get on the other side of my burdens, like a couch too heavy to be lifted by one person, and help me offer them up to the One who can absolve me of them once and for all.
i wrote this last night. at the time it seemed valid. i was running around looking for someone to manifest characteristics of Jesus instead of just going to JESUS. i need friends. i do. but i count them and the rest of this world as loss compared to being with Him. in a matter a minutes He has turned the agony of the last few days into joy. i long with the deepest sense of the word to be with Him. i feel silly. my friends should want to be there for me, yes. but they are not my savior and none of them could know me or love me the way He does. no matter how hard they try. my deepest apologies to those i have looked to for something they are incapable of giving. be blessed as i am blessed.
so i whisper soft your name
and let it roll around my tongue
knowing you're the only one who knows me
you know me
show me how i should live this
show me where i should walk
i count this world as loss to me
you are all i want
you are all i want
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