leaves and bones

days like today, when fall is rapidly spinning into winter, it seems as though the world is soaking in a perpetual dusk. the light never brightens and the sun refuses to show even half her face through the clouds. the clouds that are all waiting, with bated breath, to spit out our first snow. i can see old man winter jumping from tree to tree on the coat tails of the wind. his feet and hands haphazardly knocking brittle leaves to the ground. the leaves, that are pushed into piles. scrunched into trash bags. chopped up. perhaps turned into mulch for someone's garden. thrown away with the rest of our waste. or burned. filling the air with my favorite smells. among the trees, where no man tends the ground, they continue to gather in layers of decaying life. soon they will rot completely under winter's blanket and seep slowly back into the earth whence they came. death breeds new life. the leaves remind me of...me.

the whole town smells like someone lit a giant match. a befitting odor as i feel as though i am on fire. like things inside me are burning up. passions not in line with what He has called me to are waning, while others are igniting in rapid succession. things i thought i wanted or needed have been tossed into a giant bonfire and i am helpless to stop it. i don't want to stop it. it is beautiful to rest in worship. to meditate on the Father. on His hand in my life. at times i find myself mourning. i am not always sure what. perhaps it is the times i haven't spent with Him. perhaps the needless pain i've attempted to suffer alone, instead of just giving it to Him as it presents itself. He was always there. reaching out to take it from me. i foolishly held onto it. thinking i could fix it myself. or perhaps i am mourning being here. not this town. but this earth. altered and scarred from the way He originally intended it to be. perhaps i am just longing for Him to come and bring us, and all things, restoration. what a day that will be. for now i am here. seeking truth and claiming it. loving and living as best i know how. (right lauren?) constantly asking for His guidance and strength. seeking counsel from others. taking it one day at a time. or trying very hard anyway.

i also find myself becoming familiar with the names i read in His book. i am transfixed on the stories surrounding the lives of both the familiar and unfamiliar people in it. they were real! they lived and breathed and cired and walked and bled and suffered and laughed and hugged and kissed. they had sex and made babies. they made mistakes and got in trouble with their mothers. they lied. they made amends. the reality of how closely tied we are to them is sinking into my head. my heart. my bones. the feeling it gives me is one i can scarce describe and suspect i will never shake.