fight club

she references a favorite film
to explain away his cruelty.
perhaps he felt
like destroying something beautiful.
she can relate.
though typically she'd channel the urge
and end up breaking icicles
or pulling petals off a flower.
not seeking
and then disregarding,
another human heart.
but,nothing beautiful
can ever really be destroyed
and she is like the icicles that melt
and rain down again to freeze
or the the flower
that still spreads her seed.

three feet deep

it amazes me that late at night. alone in my bed. at the end of an emotinally trying day, i am still overwhelmed with gratitude. the God i serve is nothing less than indescribable. i am in awe of many things. like the beautiful people He puts right in front of you at exactly the right time. and the beautiful people that He has to take away, because He wants the best for them as well. sometimes i get so excited for what He is bringing. i can feel somewhere in my heart that He is going to take me places i never dreamed of being, both physically and spiritually. i am ready and willing. so willing. i occassionally get a little antsy. "where God? where will you take me? what Lord? what will i do? who Father? who will you put by my side? when Jesus? when? when?" and then i laugh, because i sense Him laughing at my giddy anticipation. and i look around me into the forest and the mounds of endless snow. at the mountains and the way the sun makes them look a million different colours all at once and how the mist plays peekaboo with the trees. and i know i am exactly where i am supposed to be. doing exactly what He wants me to be doing. even if it seems small to others. even if it is just broken people living in community together, fighting along side eachother, praying, laughing, crying, getting sick, healing, and serving everyone who comes across our paths in whatever way He wants us to serve them. it is something. it is a place to learn exactly what it means to be His hands and feet. a place to get lost in Father's heart. a place to sit back and marvel at creation. free from stop lights and smog. free from traffic or television. a place where it is safe to change. where people allow God to move rather than holding you in a place you no longer fit. i am nothing short of blessed. His grace overwhelms me. i know i don't deserve it, but i am accepting it more each day. His timing, which often seems as slow as molasses to my fickle human understanding, is perfect. i will wait on Him. in darkness or in light.

but those who wait on the Lord
shall renew their strength
they shall mount up with wings like eagles
they shall run and not be weary,
they shall walk and not faint
isaiah 40:31

today

today, my hair
is all the wrong
colours
in all the wrong
places
today, my eyes
are tired
especially of not
seeing you
today, my feet
are clumsier
but it could just
be the snow
today, i don't feel pretty
in any sense
of the word
inside
or out
upside
or down

here goes nothing

it is 3:06 in the morning. i leave for the airport in a little over two hours. i have not gone to bed yet. i assure you i won't be going to bed anytime soon. my best friend is asleep next to me. one of the cats is exploring and randomly knocking things over in the room. he gives me a start everytime. the dogs are snoring. loudly. i am exhausted. no other way to put it. physically drained. i haven't had more than a few hours of sleep a night (sometimes as little as 2) in over two weeks. i have packed up, thrown out, or given away everything i own. as i was tossing the last bag of donated items into the trunk today i realized that i no longer have a home here. what a strange feeling! my family will have been in ohio ten years this next summer. coming from germany (ireland, california, etc. etc. before that) we were an odd bunch. by the grace of God and a little coaxing we became better accustomed to the culture in a small midwestern town and i made beautiful friends (one of them being the woman sleeping next to me. i don't know what i would do without her. even when we drive eachother up a wall.) i went through school, acquired a lot (and probably lost a little.) knowledge, did a few stupid things, had a lot of laughs, got my heart broken, re-discovered a lovely little place in the mountains of the sierra nevadas and after two years of the back and forth i am finally taking the plunge. i thought about it today and smiled to think i have financially backed this entire move myself. plane tickets, bills, spending money etc. i'm a big girl now. (sung to the tune of the pull-ups commercial of course.) pray for me. i have no idea what i am doing.

summer '07

i am packing. packing to move far away. packing to move far away for an undisclosed amount of time. this most assuredly requires a certain amount of cleaning out. of going through things. like pictures and journals and gifts. memories in boxes. memories in frames. here are a few things i found.



-us-

it doesn't matter how many days
or smokes
or kisses and hugs
have passed between us.
friends like us
are inseperable
tied together
by something much more
than these old bones
and tired eyes.
when hearts share beats
and smiles
and tears
for even a short amount of time
it allows all involved
a glimpse of something bigger.
bigger than
our minds could make up
or substance could create.



journal entry:

you can't draw out your life on paper hoping that somewhere along the way you'll get it right. you can't day dream up the dimensions of your future without missing something. i hate that i can't stop thinking about you. i hate even more the fact that i don't want to. i must be falling in love, because silly things i let bother me before are now insanely attractive. i know one thing for sure. if we end up married, i'd never get bored.



-dock talk-

new friends and narcissistic stars,
catching our reflections in the lake.
we smoke too much
and take canoes to the island to play.
we don't even know eachothers' birthdays,
but none of that matters when
we can laugh and mean it
for the first time in days...




perhaps i will share more as i uncover more of my past selves. this could get personal. hah