there isn't any way around the fact that when you tell Jesus he can tear you apart and rebuild you into something sharper for the Kingdom, that there are certain beings that will not be very happy. and well frankly, they'll fight you tooth and nail. they whisper lies about you. i haven't felt uglier or hated myself more than i have in the past week. i don't buy into it, but fighting twenty-four hours a day (yes even in my dreams) is exhausting. i am going through my past. sifting through it with a fine toothed comb. taking my resenments and forcing myself to see my part in them. (that's where the hating myself sneaks in. i have been quite awful to people i love the most, many many times in my life.) granted, at times i had no part. i was a victim of circumstance, but learning at the same time to forsake any trace of victim mentality. i have a wonderful mentor who has fast become a dear friend. she has a b.s. detector like you wouldn't believe. at our weekly meetings she firmly, yet lovingly, guides me through each step. giving me more "heart work" for the next week. i find it incredible that Daddy gives us people to keep us accountable and to make sure we are thorough. i could NOT have done this on my own. and there is still so much more ground to cover. i'm looking forward to the part where i get to make amends. and the part where i'm healthy. and better able to be used always. i'm breaking twenty-two years of bad habits and it is rarely easy. but, i'm uncovering the healthy parts too.(i'm not rotten all the way through you know.) oh and i know i've told him more than once, but incase you didn't hear me satan, get behind me, you're a schmuck and the battle is already won.
post script: i am aware of the fact that the title to this blog has little to do with it's content, but my friend april walked in while i was writing it and with her hands held high in the air proclaimed, "happy passover!.....it starts tonight at sundown." and quickly exited the room. and then my friend josh walked in with a makshift cape and two frying pans and proceeded to do a spiritual dance to my worship music. it is indeed going to be a happy, happy passover.
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