beyond my better judgement

sitting out on the deck after work tonight, the smooth sounds of joe cocker drifted through the trees from the neighbors' house. listening in took me back to a time several years ago...

i was eighteen and my family was vacationing at the beach with my father's side of the family for another one of our ever-memorable reunions. my parents had been on the outs for a couple years by then. the ordeal had started two summers before, during one of these reunions, when i'd haphazardly discovered my father's affair. tony, my boyfriend of a year or so, was with us this time and i was enjoying his company at an age when any excuse to be your own person will do. my parents had made it somewhat apparent, to me anyway, that this was a last ditch effort to see if they could work things out while saving face with the extended family. one evening during those tumultuous two weeks, i sat outside on one of the house's many decks, hiding as best i could from everyone inside. the house next door was alive with romantic old time music, the clinking of wine glasses, and the sound of a couple's unburdened laughter. i can remember the way i felt that night, alone on my perch. hoping beyond my better judgement that my parents could reconcile and that the relationship i was in at the time would last forever, without heartbreak or infidelity.

at the end of that twisted two week vacation, my brothers, sister, and boyfriend all loaded into two cars. my mother and father were flying back while we made the fourteen odd hour drive. as i kissed my mother, with the others out of earshot, she whispered that it just wasn't going to happen. i looked at her, both of our eyes beginning to fill with tears, and wondered when i had become an adult, a third party, to my parents' relationship. whether it was right or not, they had forgotten that i was a child in this situation. their first born to be exact. i nodded. even though i wanted to scream and quickly turned on my heals. i think in that moment i was counting on dropping the pain with each mile that passed. it didn't exactly turn out that way, because when i got home they were there to remind me.

the convoluted tale that was 'caitlin and tony' did end in heartbreak. and infidelity. he is happily married now. i, after another failed relationship and a few question mark endings in between, am single. i am either stupid or pure of heart, but i still believe in love that lasts, whatever it is, i am hopeless about it. i don't know if it will come for me, but no matter how antsy i get for a movie soundtrack-wine glass clinking-defenseless laughter romance, something tells me there is still time.

more than anything i hope that tonight, in the house through the trees, the neighbors were dancing.