stream of unconcsiousness

ACHTUNG! you don't have to read this if you don't want to. it was for me. an emptying out of sorts.

i think old time movie stars look terribly romantic with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths. extreme home makeover makes me cry. i like when guys have hair that falls in front of their eyes. i think my earlobes are different sizes, but i don't have measurments to prove it. i want to start collecting my thoughts and sketches in a creative journal again, because my head is going to explode. i don't watch much tv, but i've noticed that i keep the cosby show playing in the background late at night so my house doesn't feel so lonely. i don't really like pop-tarts. i have quite a catalogue of music in my head. i wish i knew more. i get my first paycheck tomorrow after working two jobs unpaid for over a month. how does that work? i think i'm a biblical socialist. i've seen a newer and even uglier side of conservative christianity in the process and the wake of this election. apparently if you vote against that grain you don't love God. that hurts. i am totally terrified that i don't have what it takes to grow up. i just want to be me. i often wonder if i will ever own a house. it seems so permanent. i would rather ride a bike or public transit than drive a car, but i love sunday drives. does that make me a bad person? i just made myself laugh out loud at that question, because it doesn't make me a bad person. i cannot get the image of this book i used to l-o-v-e when i was a kid out of my head. it was my mom's when she was a kid and it was about this black cat and i remember the way it smelled and the way the pages felt on my finger tips and how i would read it really slowly and be careful not to bend it to much, because the binding was so loose. i love riding horses and i get to soon. i really think i play out my life like a movie. i'm getting to know my manager and i think we're going to be friends. she sees her life like a movie too. i wonder if living by myself is going to amplify my odd single behavior to the point that i will be un-marriagable. nah. i've been out of heat and hot water for five days, but i don't have the heart to tell my grandparents until i have the money to pay for the gas myself. i hike to my cousins to shower and bundle up like i'm sleeping on the streets just to sit on my couch. i'm serious. i wear fingerless gloves. i have a crush. i'm twenty-two years old and i have a crush. this may sound vain, but i occassionally have mini-freak outs concerning my health and appearance. i wonder about age spots and lung spots, wrinkles, freckles, stretch marks, and cellulite. i can have a zing of anxiety over whether or not i'm hydrated or whether or not that extra cigarette that one day is the reason for that crease next to my eye. i shrug and chalk it up to how much i laugh. i also sometimes worry if i bore people. i figure if they stepped inside my brain for a sec they wouldn't be bored for lack of action. my feet are always cold. i also hate when my elbows are dry. i have an extreme aversion to dark elbow skin. i worry about whether or not i floss enough and i can't sleep unless i brush my teeth, but when i brush them it wakes me up. i don't know why i sometimes need to do this. self-actualize. maybe i should do it more often. but i think about myself too much. shoot me for saying so because i've been so mum about the topic, but i was really happy when obama won the election. can't control my feelings. well i can. and do, but it isn't healthy. my sister is so beautiful. my brother and i haven't been getting along. i think maybe we're just comfortable with eachother and therefore we take out any frustration on eachother rather than exploding on an unsuspecting customer, student, or extended family member. i'm not reading this before i post it and hopefully none of my friends want to commit me after reading it. i take that back. they deserve to be committed if they take the time to read this mumbo jumbo. mumbo jumbo that reminds me of gumbo. i want to go to new orleans. i don't think i've ever had good gumbo. confession: i would love to eat gumbo at that restaurant inside of the pirates of the carribean ride in disneyland. i was told they have good gumbo. i want more scarves. there are so many things about having kids that totally scare me, but sometimes i think i'd be a pretty good mom. i have so many ideas all the time and i never do anything with them. i really need to give my creativity a kick in the pants. which takes me back to that journal i want to start...