gonna need a shovel

i've been waiting. waiting for the damn in my heart to break wide open. and i was looking forward to the tears. i was hoping that once they started they wouldn't stop. until i was done crying out the last six months. all the dumb decisions i've made. all the surprises. all the rejection. and growth. and anger. and joy. but they didn't come the way i expected them to. and they stopped too soon. the words came out of his mouth so fast in that moment of unjustified anger. and i wasn't prepared. it felt like a slap across the face. and the tears burned just as bad. my eyes felt the way i imagine the dry, cracked, desert earth feels when the year's first rain falls. unfamiliar moisture against my parched eyelids. and for a moment i thought i could let it all go. i thought i could sneak off to my bed and let the monsoon have its way. and he would be all the more confused as to why such a petty argument could send me reeling in pain. but it wouldn't matter, because i could get some healing done. i watched him shake his head from the corner of my eye at the silent tears streaming down my face and the muffled sniffles coming from the chair adjacent to his. and it was enough. enough to make me feel silly. enough to make me question the validity of my tears. and i stopped. like clouds taking back the rain. i shoved it all down deeper and dried my eyes.

life is

beautiful
messy
exciting
excruciating
and full

i love the love, the pain, the friends, the loss, the mystery, and silver linings, the unexpected twists and turns, the things that make you live out your ideals instead of just talking about them, people who really care, and afternoons off. i love getting to know yourself all over again, the magic that happens along the way, strangers, and fresh flowers. i love god for this fractal we call human existence, for allowing me to get this far, for hope, and the ever waning fear that i am not who i am supposed to be. because he is satisfied with me just being who i am. and is helping me be satisfied too.

i tend

to overreact and assume quite a bit. what can i say? it's my forte.


that's my 'oops' face.

laughable

i may have given you too many points in the 'decent human being' category, but you definitely didn't give me enough in the 'not a dumb ass' one.

thanks for the memories

i'm not
gonna get crazy
or act a mess
i am
gonna be fine
and friendly


and nobody (including me) will be any wiser

aware

way up in the hill country
where the water runs fresh
and the grass grows green
where the air is clean
and the black top runs dry
where friends find tunnels
for fire, and music, and family
her eyes sparkle like stars
like stars you can see
before you reach the smog line
and then comes the concrete
and the man-made jungles
the familiar rug and resentments
and the true love friendships
that were formed before this bond
that somehow feed the black hunger
that now glazes her just-hours-ago
starry eyes and i am aware
aware of the change in my new friend
aware of her sunken-heart smiles
that even she can't explain
and i am aware, so aware
of how happy i want her to be
how clean, and safe, and happy

they're on to you

give me a new face
like dillinger
don't change too much
just enough to fool the spies
remove my finger prints
so i can touch you
without being discovered
or named public enemy no. one

broken

the center of my body is a black hole
it feels like some gravitational force
is eating my heart and my fingers and my toes
i can feel myself getting sucked up
right into the center of me
and i want to crawl out
to fling my arms wide and force the hole
to give me back the parts of me that are lost
and i want to be left alone
and i don't want to think about you anymore
and i don't want my stomach to ache so badly
i want to stretch my legs and feel the sun on my cheeks
to feel grass and dirt and bugs in between my toes
i wish that the tears in my throat would come unstuck
and that with the torrent every trace of longing
would be washed down the drain swirling twirling oblivion
i hate the complexity of human emotion and the passage of time
i hate that words can cut and crush and burn
and when said just right and at just the right time
they make me twist and change and lie
typing is now hard as my back curls under the force
the pull is getting stronger and i
am disappearing

clean your pipes

i love

battle rolls
getting the winning half of a battle roll
cigarettes (oh the shame!)
chipped nail polish (new development: i've let go of perfection)
learning new harmonies
books books books
sleepovers
having things to look forward to
getting my vampire teeth
and
making more of these lists
as i let myself discover

happiest

of birthdays, my dear friend. i'm glad you were born.

we've been

doing this dance for seven months
my feet are tired
my bones ache
my heart is raw
i see reflections of this story
in pools of barley water
and i realize
on a long silent drive
that i can't do it this way
and i won't
be untrue to the girl
buried underneath the lace
and pretense
and substance
and i won't take care of you
until you take care of me
and if you refuse
i will refuse