Monday, May 25, 2009

gonna need a shovel

i've been waiting. waiting for the damn in my heart to break wide open. and i was looking forward to the tears. i was hoping that once they started they wouldn't stop. until i was done crying out the last six months. all the dumb decisions i've made. all the surprises. all the rejection. and growth. and anger. and joy. but they didn't come the way i expected them to. and they stopped too soon. the words came out of his mouth so fast in that moment of unjustified anger. and i wasn't prepared. it felt like a slap across the face. and the tears burned just as bad. my eyes felt the way i imagine the dry, cracked, desert earth feels when the year's first rain falls. unfamiliar moisture against my parched eyelids. and for a moment i thought i could let it all go. i thought i could sneak off to my bed and let the monsoon have its way. and he would be all the more confused as to why such a petty argument could send me reeling in pain. but it wouldn't matter, because i could get some healing done. i watched him shake his head from the corner of my eye at the silent tears streaming down my face and the muffled sniffles coming from the chair adjacent to his. and it was enough. enough to make me feel silly. enough to make me question the validity of my tears. and i stopped. like clouds taking back the rain. i shoved it all down deeper and dried my eyes.

4 comments:

avasmommy said...

this is me, hugging you and holding you and telling you how beautiful and inspiring and amazing you are. i love you.

dogimo said...

Well CMM, I don't know if you write songs, but if you don't write songs, you should. You have a gift of description.

Remember the worst pain is staying where you know you can't make yourself belong.

"like clouds taking back the rain"

i've been waiting.
waiting for the damn in my heart to break
until i was done
the dumb decisions i've made
i was hoping
once they started they wouldn't stop
crying out the last six months
for days

but the words came
out of his mouth so fast
in that moment i wasn't prepared.
i watched him shake his head
from the corner of my eye
i shoved it all down deeper
and dried my eyes

when the year's first rain falls
unfamiliar moisture
against my parched eyelids
let the monsoon have its way
but the tears stopped too soon
like clouds taking back the rain

such a petty argument
could send me reeling in pain
for a moment i thought i could let it all go
i could sneak off to my bed
like a slap across the face
and he would be all the more confused
as to why
to make me feel silly
and dried my eyes

when the year's first rain falls
unfamiliar moisture
against my parched eyelids
let the monsoon have its way
but the tears stopped too soon
like clouds taking back the rain

and i was looking forward to
the tears streaming down my face
but they didn't come
the way i expected them to
the tears burned just as bad
all the rejection. and growth.
the surprises. and joy.
unjustified anger
but it wouldn't matter
let it all go
the tears didn't come
enough to make me imagine
the way the dry, cracked, desert earth feels

when the year's first rain falls
unfamiliar moisture
against my parched eyelids
let the monsoon have its way
but the tears stopped too soon.
like clouds taking back the rain

cmm said...

dogimo (or joe...yes i scoped you) i very much appreciate your kind feedback. and your song rendition of this entry. i dabble with songs, but rarely share. you make have stoked the fire.

dogimo said...

Cool! That's one fire I would love to stoke. I think everyone should write songs!

I'm not saying everybody can, but more people can than do. Everybody should write at least an album's worth. If they finish ten or so and every one stinks, they can feel free to let themselves off the hook. But I bet for a lot of people, there's one or two in there that give them the gleam: "hey. That's good. I can do this!"

We can all do much more than others believe.