ok so fine.

i'll acknowledge the new year.

hi 2010. how are you. i guess it's neat that you're here. it's a little weird. but i'm sure we'll get to know each other quickly. i'm not gonna make you any promises or anything. about what a better, healthier, skinnier person i'm going to be. promises get broken. i don't like breaking things. unless i'm doing it on purpose. and then breaking things can be very fun. and freeing. anyhow. what i can tell you is a few things i'm contemplating and you can tell me what good ideas they sound like and we can dream up big plans, but we don't have to set anything in stone and that way neither of us are disappointed. i'm contemplating quitting smoking for my mom's birthday. it would make her happy. and i can't really shower her with gifts like i would if i could. her birthday is tomorrow. that isn't very far away and due to my rash decision making (how typical) i haven't really had time to adjust myself to the mindset of being a non-smoker. i'll probably be cranky. and cough up some pretty gnarly stuff. beyond that i don't currently have the desire to uncover the reasons i started smoking in the first place or held onto it so tightly for this many years. i essentially already know, but i'll get to that. once i get the goo out of my lungs, i'll get more of the goo out of my head. i'm also contemplating getting my papers organized. you know. bank statements. pay stubs. bills. debts. savings. etc. etc. real grown up stuff. i did that once for a little while. and it felt nice. so i'm playing with the idea of making it a habit or something. i bought one of those expanding paper organizing contraptions today. a step. honestly new year, i've got a lot i want to do. and am starting to. i just don't want to feel any pressure. life is so very sweet when i breathe. and let myself be just a little. instead of ripping my hair out over what i'm 'not doing.' i'm getting my camera. lomo diana f+. i'll think about starting one of the million photography projects in my head. i'll most likely continue to aimlessly browse thrift store picture frames for my hidden treasures. pictures of trees. and pictures of people i do not know. a wall of each. trees in my bedroom. strangers in the hall. i love what i have of the collections so far. i might walk more. and stop living in this body i don't recognize. but i would like to do it for me. and not a moment before i'm ready. but i'm ready. and as soon as there aren't four of us to one paycheck, i might stash some away to invest in other worthwhile things. i taught a customer's daughter how to make a mocha and how to make and activate whip cream the other day at work. it was the most enjoyable fifteen minutes of my day. i'm pretty sure i'll finish filling out the application to volunteer over at the alameda point collective. they have an opening for a tutor with some of their elementary aged homeless kids. i miss teaching. i miss learning from my students. they have a community garden. maybe i'll get my hands in the dirt again. that would be really nice. i just want this year to be memorable and not full of worrying about what it isn't. 2010 i want to let you be you. it'd be nice if you could let me be me and we could just go at whatever we're doing with purpose. laugh a lot. be spontaneous. love on people. create. you know. get where we're going, but have fun while we're at it. i just need to come at this lightheartedly. if i take you too seriously. well i might just explode.


a list of other things that i might do this year:

.keep my closet organized*
.give into the tattoo craving
.write a better story for myself
.contribute to other peoples' stories
.go back to school
.two words: road trip(s)
.two more words: smaller jeans
.write my grandparents letters
.keep in touch**
.read read read even more more more
.dream. design. and execute a mural. somewhere. anywhere.
.not beat myself up




*my mom sent me a neat closet organizer thingy. yep.
**i know. i know!