baby tomatoes

sunlit and raindrop ripened afternoons
lonely for the first time in months
and wondering...what comes next?

i want a pair of wellies

i'm back to that point where i'm losing my head in a lot of thoughts about nothing and everything. the most mundane thought plaguing me at this moment is that i really want a new pair of wellies before the rain starts coming. whether the rain comes or not i just want a slick pair of bright boots to lift my spirits and wear all the time. especially when it isn't appropriate. or with my pajamas. or with a dress. oh and the fact that my hair is too dark. besides that i've been kept up the last two nights ruminating on what a selfish and flaky person i can be. i don't know when i all the sudden became a prisoner in my own skin. it's as if over the last few years i've become this terribly anxious person and when i'm at my worst it's almost impossible for me to communicate well (or at all) with the people i love the most. i'm not even kidding. the people who hold onto the biggest chunks of my terribly defective heart, probably don't know it. or did at one time and now question it. i keep my phone on vibrate because when it rings it makes my heart jump. i miss calls (because i never have the damn thing with me anyhow) and agonize about calling people back. not because i don't want to talk to my friends. because i do. once i call them i wonder why it was so hard to put my fingers on the keys. but for some reason it is. i have so many people i care about. so many people who hold onto pieces of my past, my present, and hopefully...my future. and i know they love me. but i'm selfish. and i'm flaky. and i don't know what to do about it. i'm going a little crazy in this trailer. i'm enjoying the town. i've seen a couple plays for free. i shop at the farmer's market every saturday. i've discovered i'm a good cook. i've met some interesting people. heard plenty of live music (played and sang a little too with my brother at a cafe in town). and have been running my butt off on the trail at the college. i don't know if it's because the job situation isn't all figured out and i'm feeling useless (which is definately playing a role) or if it's because i really have no idea what direction my life is going, or if i already know the reason i'm feeling popped off my hinges and am just too stubborn, worn out, disillusioned, or lazy to do anything about it. i gave it a thought...and...i think it's a bitter cocktail of all three. i was liking myself for a little while. now i want to be better. and i have to figure out how one goes about being...better.

a wedge come between them
like waves from different seas
they crash against it
she can't speak
he won't say
there's silent heartbreak
silent, sneaky, putrid heartbreak
the kind that makes them look
at one another apologetically
as if to say, i am sorry
i am a coward and i love you
he's too kind to tell the truth
and she's too proud to ask for it
where did so much friendship go?
it counted for something she's sure,
now all there is to do is wait
for the wedge to be removed
or their separate tides to recede

caravan dreams

i have to apply the truth i speak of to my own life. in the obvious and many of the not so obvious ways, i understand that i do not have to do anything to gain God's love or approval. i do, for the first time in my life, genuinely want to follow after His plan for me. i have no qualms about giving up my own will, but even though i want to do great things for the kingdom and reach new levels of relationship with Him i must not enter into them until i fully understand the knowledge that i can do nothing and still be loved, still be used. i do not have to attend ministry school in the fall, even though i was accepted, i do not have to enter into to a specific ministry, or work for a faith based operation to be considered good enough. i can't do anything without Him and i don't want to do anything "for Him" unless my intentions are pure and void of any hint of self-justification. i cannot do something because i am afraid of losing something else. and even if i lost the thing or things i speak of what would it matter in comparison to losing these absolute truths i have found? it wouldn't. it couldn't. it is like exchanging life for death. freedom for chains. discernment for confusion. peace for chaos. and love for emptiness. i would be silly and sad to think that the fear of losing something this world offers should trump the fear of damaging my relationship with Him.

the kind of grace you can't fall from

there are nights here that are like so many nights i have spent here before. summer nights. the air is sweet. warmer than usual and tempered now by something that feels like loneliness. but still sweet. i am busier than i've been in a long time. it's good for my mind and a little rough on my heart, but He is constant. there are things God is doing that are lighting my bones on fire. there is a calling He has placed on the lives of certain people here that is HUGE. it is nauseating to think that there are forces meddling with the truths Daddy has spoken over His children. telling lies that will keep them from stepping out in boldness and living in His love. there is so much on my heart concerning the way many of us focus almost entirely on what we do and don't do. do and don't DO. do and don't do. do and don't do. the more i repeat it the more my stomach aches. we are literally stuck. focused on US. rather than on His face. it sounds so ridiculous coming out of my own mouth, because i know i can't make anyone understand how much i mean it. and i REALLY mean it. i rarely see people (and have trouble myself) walking in a way that reflects the gospel of grace. infact, we deny it when we fall into the habit of keeping up appearances and the destructive patterns of behavioral control. does any of what i'm saying make sense? i know there are those that would ask "well isn't faith without deeds dead?" i think that faith translates into action, but how many of us confuse action for works? honestly. think about it. in one way or another we are trying to prove something to someone. whether it's to God or not, only you and He know, but we shouldn't be trying to prove anything to anyone. especially God. i would imagine He gets sick of hearing us tell Him what vile sinners we are when He calls us something wholly (holy) other. i would imagine He tries to get through saying, "yeah yeah i know, but i took care of that remember? would you just live loved?" i know i've mentioned before that i have experienced the heavy, all consuming fire, that is the Father's great love for us, and i don't say it again to be redundant, but if it seems so i won't apologize, because i hope i never stop telling people of His love until the day i die and even then, in glory, i'll shout about it without a thought and swim around in it all day. anyway when you experience it, it changes you, and it un-warps the way you look at the world and people and love and dating and death and laughter and crying and breathing and teaching and reading and sleeping and eating and...do you see what i'm saying? it changes everything. it gives even mundane things purpose and life and... it all means something. it all translates into something. He is constantly in us and around us and touching us and fighting for us and speaking to us.

tired hands

i was in love once. ok twice. i think i'm starting to question what that really means when it doesn't last, and just how much of myself has been unstitched and carried off unsuspectedly by some handsome man. as of late i tend to marvel at how Jesus goes off into the mess of it and brings those pieces back, carefully passing them off to me and directing me where to sew them back in. i'm scrubbing wooden walls. dusting off the lamp shades. cleaning windows that look out into the endless forests of this place. i'm leaving. i look forward to the maddness of airport security and the feeling i get when the plane finally takes off. i'm a born traveler. it is what i would do always if i could. i still seem to do it more than most. so many faces. so many untold stories in the crowds i become part of. i love to sit and write about them. rarely published, but comforting to look back on. i'll return to this place for a few months and then i'm off on the next adventure He is orchestrating. i couldn't tell you what, or where, or how, but my heart has a few inklings. me thinks more time on my knees is needed before it is revealed. i cannot wait to be home. back with family and the people i've known so well for so long that they might as well be. i look forward to long hugs, porch swings, kissing the new baby, laughing until i cry, the smell of the midwest in the springtime, flip flops, rainstorms, coors light, bonfires, boating, dancing, talking until the wee hours, watching my baby sister graduate, seeing my father for the first time in a long (long long long) time, having coffee with my mother everyday and talking about the ins and out, ups and downs, heres and theres, wrestling my brothers and hearing them laugh, did i mention the smell of the midwest in the springtime? i do miss ohio for it's beautifully unpredictable weather and the new scents that follow every season. and i miss it for the people. and the way they wave at you when you drive down the road. and the tractors in the middle of it. and the food. and the kindness of strangers that seems unparallel to any other place i've been. and the memories. good and bad. and the old stomping grounds. and the comfort i find there. it will be odd not being here though. in this sweet old house i have once again grown accustomed too. with it's new and old faces. with it's laughs and tears. new smells. late nights. the amazing women i've grown so close to and shared so much with. sigh. my life is quite unpredictable. i seem to always be torn between at least two places. always missing someone. always romanticizing one while living in the other. in all honesty i think He's been preparing me for a life of being away. of leaving the familiar behind to follow Him. and i'm perfectly ok with that. as long as i have my words to write about the people and places that have stolen my heart, pictures to remind me, (and a decent internet connection to keep in touch) i think that will suit me just fine.

i'm loving living.

love wash over a multitude of things

there is a Love that never fails.
there is a healing that always prevails.
there is a hope that whispers a vow.
a promise to wait while we're working it out.
so come with Your love and wash over us.

i am working it out. He is so gracious and so kind. He loves me so much more than i can fathom or ever hope to love myself. but i am going to rest in it and through all of this learn to walk in it. to be who i am. not who i think i am. not who others have told me i am. but who i am. who He created me to be. i am going to be made whole, because He promises to just that when we ask. all i have to do is surrender. even if i have to do it fifty-two times a day.