sore fingers

i feel like a kid in september whose mom is an early christmas shopper. she has all the gifts locked up in her closet or a trunk somewhere in the house and i am dying to take a peek. side note: if it were my mom, having to ward off the four of us macgyvers, the presents would be taped inside plastic bags, bolted (twice) into a trunk and hidden in a relative or friend's house across town. i swear even at four connor could finagle a paper clip like nobody's business. and i was right there beside him, holding the flash light. back to my terribly insightful analogy comparing christmas presents and my spiritual life...i know that god has great things in store for me. he told me so once. but at the same time i feel like i'm biding my time until "then" and i don't want that. i want to be of use always. here and now. with people i know like the back of my hand and with total strangers whose world view may be slightly skewed and difficult for me to understand. i feel like i am constantly trying to take "a peek" at what he has next and he just keeps telling me "no. look at all the great things that are going on now, before christmas, it will be totally worth the wait if you just have patience and focus on the now." this settles me for a while and then when left home alone for too long, i get the itch, i sneek into the closet or unbury the trunk and try to take a peek. i just keep getting my fingers slammed in the door or shut in the lid. the cycle is vicious and unending. i think i'll just shake it off and leave the mysteries of the universe to its creator. i'm going to go turn up this song and dance until life makes sense and i feel alive again.

i want

i would like there to be no speculation over whether or not i am happy. because i am. sometimes a girl just has to write. today i woke up. i put in a load of laundry that was long over due and did my morning dance with the coffee pot. his name is henry and he is very reliable. my coffee pot that is. sturdy and set in his ways, but reliable none the less. and he always gives me what i want. when i sat down at the computer and started surfing i laughed at how much i use the internet as an accurate gauge of my social status or, to be completely honest, how loved i am. i had to get off and start writing for fear of losing my mind in my coffee mug. i am struggling. distance and time can make people akward and unsure. especially when you don't feel important in the grand scheme of whatever is taking over our lives. i have my coffee. i have my music. i have my friends. i have my jesus. what more convincing can the universe do? perhaps i am overreacting. perhaps i need to do something unexpected so as to release my pent up adventure. or just take up knitting? that's a thought. atleast it would keep my hands busy. then maybe my brain would take a breather. doubtful. i want to be higher on someone's interests. i want to be worthy of someone's time. i want sweet nothings. i want more coffee. i want more peace. i want to do things that make me feel alive...more often. i want to stop torturing myself with photographs and silence. is that too much for a girl to ask?

you are the anchor that holds me

"new jersey smells. or at least it does from where i'm sitting. one cup of coffee and three cigarettes into this layover i'm starting to realize how much i am going to miss you. i found a real gem among the pictures we took on your brother's old bed yesterday. i made it my wallpaper and occasionally look at us. i wonder how i got lucky enough to have this work out after all the shit we've put each other through. guess there is such a thing as "meant to be." i'm in the process of making you two cds. you need to send me your address in "canadia" so i can randomly send you things when the spirit moves me. hah. you have to promise to listen to them on the weekends so you don't forget me or what good music sounds like. it might be the only way i can really communicate myself to you. like how much i love you and what i might be going through at any given time over the next four months. after spending practically every day with you for the last three i fear this time spent apart is going to be quite difficult. however, i trust that not in spite, but because of all things we've fought for that we will be just fine. i'm lighting up my fourth before going through the hell that is airport security on the east coast. i'll see you soon love. take care of yourself for me. i need you back in the worst way."

i never knew my thoughts could be louder than a plane engine. i have a lot of processing to do and i fear that as today has involved the fairly consistent consumption of alcohol in order to numb any extreme emotions, so too will the next week. as soon as the drink cart rolled by i ordered a gin and tonic so as not to forget my new friends. i then made a picture of him kissing my forehead my wallpaper so as not to forget my new commitment and lastly i played neutral milk hotel to distract me from myself.