through the years, inspite of all the ways i have attempted to make myself too dirty to be made clean, He has always protected and often redeemed my righteousness. i have discovered that when He says be holy as I am holy, it is first a promise before it is a command. He would not ask me to do it if He wasn't both willing and able to give me the grace to see it through. i use to wrestle with myself. sometimes late at night. sometimes in bars or the houses of friends. sometimes in broad daylight. sometimes at work. at home. at school. in my car. sometimes in the middle of conversations with other people. sometimes in the middle of a kiss too passionate. i'd go back and forth between a truth buried deep and false notions of self-worth. i'd go back and forth between the life i always felt called to and the excuses mediocre christianity and the spirit of religion allow to seep through the cracks. last summer i asked God to show me His love for me. to encounter it rather. to know it. to feel it. to ruin me with it. He did and i couldn't get off the floor. literally. in the months to follow i pushed. i pushed in. He pulled me closer. He woke me up with words and visions. He blessed me. He surprised me. He spoke and for once i was obedient. in my obedience He began to bless me with desire. a genuine want to obey. to be someone He can trust. to be someone He delights in and who does not cause Him heartache.
i still would go back and forth. sometimes i would get stuck. and then He agitated me. poked. prodded. and made me itch. no more compromise cait. ok Da. no compromise cait. ok Da. ask Me. what? ask Me. give me a heart of no compromise. ok, but don't forget you asked. i won't forget.
i was walking around last week feeling like i was on the edge of something quite lofty. something reminiscent of what had happened the last time i made such a request of Him. i had been spending time with Him and making a valliant effort to sort through everything. to be steadfast and thorough. to seek wise counsel and to pray without ceasing. i read a poem. a poem written by a beautiful person i know. and it made me ask another question. how does a Father love His daughter? what does that even mean? what does it look like? how does He see her? it compounded with the first request. give me a heart of no compromise and show me what a relationship between a loving Father and His daughter looks like, untainted by my negative experiences, let me be a little girl again, and in the process reconcile me to my earthly father. big request for a small girl. small request for a big God.
i stayed up late one night this weekend wrestling. not with myself this time, but with Him. come on Daddy, i'm asking. please. i played music. i opened up His Word. i took my pen in hand and invited Him to speak. nothing. peace. and nothing more. i slept. a fitfull and strange night's sleep. after a week of spring weather, i woke to snow. everything felt like it was tipping. i couldn't put my finger on it, but something was coming. i gave Him the day and went to work. never get comfortable. that is what i have learned in walking more closely with Him. never get comfortable. sitting in the kitchen in the presence of quite a few unsuspecting onlookers the Spirit decided to move. a familiar song was playing. i asked a friend if music brought her back to certain times in her life. she said no. that she didn't have quite the connection i did with it. i told her the one playing made me feel midly sick to my stomach because of the time in my life it was tied to. i began to tell her how certain artisits and albums reminded me of my childhood and like that i was gone. literally transported to a different time. i was about 6. at a wedding reception or holiday party of sorts. a day i had not thought of in many years. a song by an artist previously mentioned began to play and my dad caught my eye from across the room. i don't ever remember him looking at me that way. he held out his hand and said simply, "dance with me." and i did. and found myself ruined the way i was ruined last summer. a wild mess of tears and laughter. i believe i caught everyone off guard and couldn't have cared less. in that moment i understood a Father's love for His daughter for the first time in my life and it was heavy. so heavy. in the aftermath all i can do is smile and look forward to this next level. i had been standing on the edge of a breakthrough and i trust, that like before, the months to follow will only bring me deeper.
no compromise.
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love...
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