i need chocolate.

i must be hormonal. but then again when am i not? i'll tell you what though. i'm nearly finished with one of the books i mentioned buying the other day. 'extremely loud and incredibly close' and it is the bee's knees! i wouldn't kid! i couldn't kid! i've gotten lost in it the way i got lost in 'the mercy of thin air.'(highly recommended. especially to a one samantha thorp. i think you'd love it.) i read it in a day over the hoilidays. i turned off my phone. never stepped out of my pj's. and carried the thing with me everywhere except the bathroom. ok it may have made it to the bathroom with me once or twice. i made coffee with my nose in it. i made three square meals and maybe even a snack with my nose in it. i brushed my teeth with my nose in it. i even talked to my mother from the bottom of the stairs with my nose in it. and by the end of the day i was finished. satisfied. heartbroken. smiling. and wanting more. just how a great book should leave you. i'm tempted to get off work, scrounge some chocolate, and finish the thing. but then again i don't want it to end. but then again i can't keep my hands off it! i even purposely left it at home so i wouldn't be able to sneak peeks. i'll try. i'll try really hard. but i have a feeling i'll be falling asleep with tears in my eyes. and hopefully some chocolate smeared on the last page.

visual aid for this blogpost:

chocolate dreams.
the bee's knees.
the torturously wonderful read.

socal

i love road trips with people who are important to the fabric of my being. i love talking to people who hold onto similar ideals as i do. i love talking to people who care about the meshing of culture and lessons learned outside of their own minimal experience. i love talking to people who encourage me and inspire me to be the person i know, deep down, i am supposed to be. the people who say "i may not know you well, (yet), but i am eager to, and will welcome you with open arms to any community you decide to be a part of." thank the GOOD Lord for people whose minds and hearts are open and willing and waiting for unity. thank the GOOD Lord for warm breezes in the middle of january. for palm trees. and super nintendo. and laughs. and champagne. and a good friend's engagement. i am so blessed to be here. in this moment. i will never forget this time. and i will never fail to tell my children and those long after them of my "roaring" twenties. or how i made it to that party. and how on this night, i was satisfied.

flapper? flap you!

one of my friends mentioned a 1920's theme party for a mutual friend's 26th. i couldn't help myself.

in other news. i now waste my time on webmd. it's genius. genius dahling! they can tell you anything! but if i start posting about my various diseases, pshychoses, and/or abnormalities somebody do me a favor and remove it from my bookmarks. thanks.

red lipped kisses!

ooo goody

i bought myself two books online. i feel kind of guilty. but there are worse things i could spend my money on, no? i've been wanting to read them both for some time. i need some inspiration. and when i typed them in, the recommended reads section (you know where amazon.com pretends they know your deepest literary needs and offers up a sampling of books "someone like you" would want to read) and it contained several of my well loved favourites (am i that transparent?) so i feel it was a justified purchase. i'm really excited for them to show up. nothing like a new book. nothing like it.


oh i almost forgot to tell you what they are:
extremely loud and incredibly close & everything is illuminated
both by jonathan safran foer

ooo goody is right.

braveheart

i don't trust God. there you have it. i said it. i want to. believe me, my life would be a whole lot easier if i did. i reached certain places in my relationship with Him somewhere along the way that i can't back down from, but as far as investing further, well i'm just not on a regular basis. instead i let days pass where i spend more time dreaming about the life i want to live and the kind of person i want to be than actually trying to live it. i'd rather do a crossword puzzle than ask the big questions about my insides. i don't understand the suffering in our world and even more frustrating i don't know what i can do about it. i mean i try to do the small things. like looking people in the eye and speaking truth when i feel it bubbling up. but really. what am i, a 23 year old woman, with big aspirations, no money, too many opinions, and abandonment issues, supposed to do? sudoku puzzles? ha! at night sometimes i let myself believe it is so. even now there is a voice inside that is telling me that if i was more methodical and "grown up" about things life would be better. you know, slept more, exercized more, read more, drank more water, made sure all my mascara came off at night et cetera, et cetera. but haven't we been trying to learn this lesson for way too long now? the one where it says "it's not about you." "oh and it's especially not about what you do and don't do." yeah. that's a tough one. i feel like i'm running on a treadmill! and what's worse i'm not losing weight! i just need to clean my house, have a good laugh, and ask Him to start this process for me. after all He is *gulp* in control. i think i need to go back to that thing with the 12 steps.

oh and finding out your ex-boyfriend and his wife are expecting makes you wonder if you're really behind the times...

nah!

un fair

i met the guy of my dreams last night.


in my dreams!


seriously. we were together. and happy. and he was funny. and sweet. and he knew just what to say to me when i was wigging out like i tend to do. and he had a really epic beard that i played with and it scratched my face when we kissed.


bummer. so here's to you my cute-bearded-dreamy-sucks you don't actually exsist-boyfriend!

managed feelings and broken polaroids

i'm back. in my house on wheels. i want to write. but i fear i haven't the words to describe the last couple weeks at the mo. i had the words. along the way. but when you don't use them as they come you often lose them. they may come round again. and they may not. i'm now twenty-three. and i feel good about this age. twenty-one felt premature. twenty-two felt like the teeange years of my early twenties. but twenty-three. twenty-three feels established. i feel like i can move on into full blown adulthood. or something of that nature. occasionally i look around at my life and for a moment see it as a sum of all my success, failures, debts, and dreams. it can get a little overwhelming in those moments. i wonder. what is one supposed to have accomplished at twenty-three? should i be closer to some sort of stable exsistance? should i be thinking more seriously about relationships? and who would take on a girl with student loan, medical, and other miscellaneous debt anyway? especially when the student loan debt hasn't a degree to justify it. do i have it together? what does it mean to have it together? do i want "it" together? usually i snap out of it and come to the conclusion that i (mostly) genuinely enjoy my vagabond exsistance. it feels good to not know what is next. and it feels good to not consider someone else's agenda, emotions, life plans and/or general well being while i'm going about not knowing. it feels good to know that whenever i want i can pack up my clothes, my books, my photographs, my house plant, and what little cash i have and hit the road. granted i'm somewhat bound to the great state of california and public transportation. but i could do it. if i wanted to. i could. and as far as the debt is concerned. i've decided not to lose my head over it. i pay what i can. and i pay it on time. slowly but surely i'll climb my way out and in the meantime i'll still live it up. on off brand beauty supplies and thrift store accoutrement mind you. but i'll live it up nonetheless. that is until a large sum of money falls from the sky into my bank account (oh wait i don't have one of those. i meant to say my pre-paid visa. they're much more transient. come on.) and pays off all my debt completely and leaves me fresh and bare and ready for anything. financially speaking that is. i am excited for this future of mine. however big or small. either way i think it will be grand. oh and i've decided that i really will write a book.

happy january, beauties.