braveheart

i don't trust God. there you have it. i said it. i want to. believe me, my life would be a whole lot easier if i did. i reached certain places in my relationship with Him somewhere along the way that i can't back down from, but as far as investing further, well i'm just not on a regular basis. instead i let days pass where i spend more time dreaming about the life i want to live and the kind of person i want to be than actually trying to live it. i'd rather do a crossword puzzle than ask the big questions about my insides. i don't understand the suffering in our world and even more frustrating i don't know what i can do about it. i mean i try to do the small things. like looking people in the eye and speaking truth when i feel it bubbling up. but really. what am i, a 23 year old woman, with big aspirations, no money, too many opinions, and abandonment issues, supposed to do? sudoku puzzles? ha! at night sometimes i let myself believe it is so. even now there is a voice inside that is telling me that if i was more methodical and "grown up" about things life would be better. you know, slept more, exercized more, read more, drank more water, made sure all my mascara came off at night et cetera, et cetera. but haven't we been trying to learn this lesson for way too long now? the one where it says "it's not about you." "oh and it's especially not about what you do and don't do." yeah. that's a tough one. i feel like i'm running on a treadmill! and what's worse i'm not losing weight! i just need to clean my house, have a good laugh, and ask Him to start this process for me. after all He is *gulp* in control. i think i need to go back to that thing with the 12 steps.

oh and finding out your ex-boyfriend and his wife are expecting makes you wonder if you're really behind the times...

nah!