managed feelings and broken polaroids

i'm back. in my house on wheels. i want to write. but i fear i haven't the words to describe the last couple weeks at the mo. i had the words. along the way. but when you don't use them as they come you often lose them. they may come round again. and they may not. i'm now twenty-three. and i feel good about this age. twenty-one felt premature. twenty-two felt like the teeange years of my early twenties. but twenty-three. twenty-three feels established. i feel like i can move on into full blown adulthood. or something of that nature. occasionally i look around at my life and for a moment see it as a sum of all my success, failures, debts, and dreams. it can get a little overwhelming in those moments. i wonder. what is one supposed to have accomplished at twenty-three? should i be closer to some sort of stable exsistance? should i be thinking more seriously about relationships? and who would take on a girl with student loan, medical, and other miscellaneous debt anyway? especially when the student loan debt hasn't a degree to justify it. do i have it together? what does it mean to have it together? do i want "it" together? usually i snap out of it and come to the conclusion that i (mostly) genuinely enjoy my vagabond exsistance. it feels good to not know what is next. and it feels good to not consider someone else's agenda, emotions, life plans and/or general well being while i'm going about not knowing. it feels good to know that whenever i want i can pack up my clothes, my books, my photographs, my house plant, and what little cash i have and hit the road. granted i'm somewhat bound to the great state of california and public transportation. but i could do it. if i wanted to. i could. and as far as the debt is concerned. i've decided not to lose my head over it. i pay what i can. and i pay it on time. slowly but surely i'll climb my way out and in the meantime i'll still live it up. on off brand beauty supplies and thrift store accoutrement mind you. but i'll live it up nonetheless. that is until a large sum of money falls from the sky into my bank account (oh wait i don't have one of those. i meant to say my pre-paid visa. they're much more transient. come on.) and pays off all my debt completely and leaves me fresh and bare and ready for anything. financially speaking that is. i am excited for this future of mine. however big or small. either way i think it will be grand. oh and i've decided that i really will write a book.

happy january, beauties.