gonna need a shovel

i've been waiting. waiting for the damn in my heart to break wide open. and i was looking forward to the tears. i was hoping that once they started they wouldn't stop. until i was done crying out the last six months. all the dumb decisions i've made. all the surprises. all the rejection. and growth. and anger. and joy. but they didn't come the way i expected them to. and they stopped too soon. the words came out of his mouth so fast in that moment of unjustified anger. and i wasn't prepared. it felt like a slap across the face. and the tears burned just as bad. my eyes felt the way i imagine the dry, cracked, desert earth feels when the year's first rain falls. unfamiliar moisture against my parched eyelids. and for a moment i thought i could let it all go. i thought i could sneak off to my bed and let the monsoon have its way. and he would be all the more confused as to why such a petty argument could send me reeling in pain. but it wouldn't matter, because i could get some healing done. i watched him shake his head from the corner of my eye at the silent tears streaming down my face and the muffled sniffles coming from the chair adjacent to his. and it was enough. enough to make me feel silly. enough to make me question the validity of my tears. and i stopped. like clouds taking back the rain. i shoved it all down deeper and dried my eyes.