tired hands

i was in love once. ok twice. i think i'm starting to question what that really means when it doesn't last, and just how much of myself has been unstitched and carried off unsuspectedly by some handsome man. as of late i tend to marvel at how Jesus goes off into the mess of it and brings those pieces back, carefully passing them off to me and directing me where to sew them back in. i'm scrubbing wooden walls. dusting off the lamp shades. cleaning windows that look out into the endless forests of this place. i'm leaving. i look forward to the maddness of airport security and the feeling i get when the plane finally takes off. i'm a born traveler. it is what i would do always if i could. i still seem to do it more than most. so many faces. so many untold stories in the crowds i become part of. i love to sit and write about them. rarely published, but comforting to look back on. i'll return to this place for a few months and then i'm off on the next adventure He is orchestrating. i couldn't tell you what, or where, or how, but my heart has a few inklings. me thinks more time on my knees is needed before it is revealed. i cannot wait to be home. back with family and the people i've known so well for so long that they might as well be. i look forward to long hugs, porch swings, kissing the new baby, laughing until i cry, the smell of the midwest in the springtime, flip flops, rainstorms, coors light, bonfires, boating, dancing, talking until the wee hours, watching my baby sister graduate, seeing my father for the first time in a long (long long long) time, having coffee with my mother everyday and talking about the ins and out, ups and downs, heres and theres, wrestling my brothers and hearing them laugh, did i mention the smell of the midwest in the springtime? i do miss ohio for it's beautifully unpredictable weather and the new scents that follow every season. and i miss it for the people. and the way they wave at you when you drive down the road. and the tractors in the middle of it. and the food. and the kindness of strangers that seems unparallel to any other place i've been. and the memories. good and bad. and the old stomping grounds. and the comfort i find there. it will be odd not being here though. in this sweet old house i have once again grown accustomed too. with it's new and old faces. with it's laughs and tears. new smells. late nights. the amazing women i've grown so close to and shared so much with. sigh. my life is quite unpredictable. i seem to always be torn between at least two places. always missing someone. always romanticizing one while living in the other. in all honesty i think He's been preparing me for a life of being away. of leaving the familiar behind to follow Him. and i'm perfectly ok with that. as long as i have my words to write about the people and places that have stolen my heart, pictures to remind me, (and a decent internet connection to keep in touch) i think that will suit me just fine.

i'm loving living.

love wash over a multitude of things

there is a Love that never fails.
there is a healing that always prevails.
there is a hope that whispers a vow.
a promise to wait while we're working it out.
so come with Your love and wash over us.

i am working it out. He is so gracious and so kind. He loves me so much more than i can fathom or ever hope to love myself. but i am going to rest in it and through all of this learn to walk in it. to be who i am. not who i think i am. not who others have told me i am. but who i am. who He created me to be. i am going to be made whole, because He promises to just that when we ask. all i have to do is surrender. even if i have to do it fifty-two times a day.

hand me another

i am tired. i am especially tired of seeing people hurt. myself included. i realize that people are just people and that they can't be more than that. but they could be a little more sensitive. have a little more integrity. they could live with a little more gumption and honesty. myself (also) included.

that being said. the joy of music with a hand made card. a letter from home with a picture to remind me. i love getting mail. even more i am grateful for people who love me. i am blessed beyond measure. which makes the hurt worth bearing.

happy passover

there isn't any way around the fact that when you tell Jesus he can tear you apart and rebuild you into something sharper for the Kingdom, that there are certain beings that will not be very happy. and well frankly, they'll fight you tooth and nail. they whisper lies about you. i haven't felt uglier or hated myself more than i have in the past week. i don't buy into it, but fighting twenty-four hours a day (yes even in my dreams) is exhausting. i am going through my past. sifting through it with a fine toothed comb. taking my resenments and forcing myself to see my part in them. (that's where the hating myself sneaks in. i have been quite awful to people i love the most, many many times in my life.) granted, at times i had no part. i was a victim of circumstance, but learning at the same time to forsake any trace of victim mentality. i have a wonderful mentor who has fast become a dear friend. she has a b.s. detector like you wouldn't believe. at our weekly meetings she firmly, yet lovingly, guides me through each step. giving me more "heart work" for the next week. i find it incredible that Daddy gives us people to keep us accountable and to make sure we are thorough. i could NOT have done this on my own. and there is still so much more ground to cover. i'm looking forward to the part where i get to make amends. and the part where i'm healthy. and better able to be used always. i'm breaking twenty-two years of bad habits and it is rarely easy. but, i'm uncovering the healthy parts too.(i'm not rotten all the way through you know.) oh and i know i've told him more than once, but incase you didn't hear me satan, get behind me, you're a schmuck and the battle is already won.




post script: i am aware of the fact that the title to this blog has little to do with it's content, but my friend april walked in while i was writing it and with her hands held high in the air proclaimed, "happy passover!.....it starts tonight at sundown." and quickly exited the room. and then my friend josh walked in with a makshift cape and two frying pans and proceeded to do a spiritual dance to my worship music. it is indeed going to be a happy, happy passover.

the thing about days off...

is that you can blog twice and nobody thinks less of you.

i think i could live out of a vw van or on airplanes for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy.
a little house near the water might be nice too though.

lions of promise

bare legs.
painted toes.
a sun dress.
and new sandals.
wild curly hair.
sunglasses, old tunes.
and windowsill perching.
the scent of fresh cut grass.
today is just right.


i had a vision yesterday. it was interrupted by a quiet knock at the door. but was sweet and full of promise nonetheless.
it was of my son. one i have obviously not given birth to just yet. (insert giggle). he was two or three with a headfull of sandy curls. i was watching him from a few yards away as he sat perched on the back of a lion. he laughed and tossled the giant's mane. everything about this gift was beautiful and comforting. a promise of reconciliation among all Daddy's creatures. an assurance of peaceful days to come. it may get worse before it gets better, my friends, but until then i will continue to earnestly seek the face of the One who can breathe this divination into being.

a friend here approached me today and said he had a dream of lions attacking this place where we live and work. his words made me smile as i recalled all the work God is doing. unbeknownst to him i had prayed last night that He would send Holy Spirit to invade the grounds and the people who inhabit them. i believe that as he slept God was showing him this. as i began to walk up the stairs to my room, my friend stopped me and said, "that's not all. you know the painting you're working on? the one of the lion?" "yes." i said with a smile. (it is a painting Father gave me several weeks ago that is yet to be finished.) "i hadn't seen it before," he continued. "not until this morning, but that lion. the one in your painting. the one with flames in it's eyes. that lion was in my dream."

wow. Daddy. wow.

until only Love remains

if only this keyboard could scream. i've been hungry before. but not like this. it gets bigger the more i feed it.

it is all consuming.

it is what i asked for.

i am just so frustrated with the things that keep me from Him. once you get it. you can't let it go. no matter how you try. He's got your heart and He tugs. or yanks, in my case. i want everything else to burn up. everything other than that, to burn. i'm not sure i can say what i mean. i guess you can't dictate something like this. i usually have the words, but mostly i just think miss jj heller does a much finer job of saying what it is i can't. and she does it with song. the way i hope to someday...


Scenes of you come rushing through
You are breaking me down
So break me into pieces
That will grow in the ground
I know that I deserve to die
For the murder in my heart
So be gentle with me Jesus
As you tear me apart

Please kill the liar
Kill the thief in me
You know that I am tired of their cruelty
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains

You burn away the ropes that bind
And hold me to the earth
The fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth
I begin to see reality
For the first time in my life
I know that I’m a shadow
But I’m dancing in your light

Teach me to be humble
Call me from the grave
Show me how to walk with you upon the waves
Breathe into my spirit
Breathe into my veins
Until only love remains


breathe into me.
and make sure i never make You something You are not.