abandonment

ABANDONMENT. dictionary definitions for this word include:

1. to give up; discontinue; withdraw from
2. to give up the control of
3. the voluntary surrender of property (or a right to property) without attempting to reclaim it or give it away

our lives are NOT our own. you were bought at a great price. now i know we hear it all the time over and over again from the mouths of people who have never truely encountered the love of God. God sent His Son. yadda yadda. He died for you. yadda yadda. He rose from the dead. yadda yadda yadda. STOP. think about it. pray that God lets this sink in. He watched His Son, whom He loved, die one of the most horrendous and humiliating deaths just to save us from that same fate. to save me. to save you. this might be a bigger deal than we make it out to be sometimes.

so back to the point that our lives are not our own. "to give up, discontinue, withdraw from." what does that mean? it means whatever you think your life is. whatever plans you've made or lies you've allowed yourself to believe about yourself have to go. give them up. God gives you desires. to hope for things is normal, but to base your life around them and expect God to move in them when He isn't at the center is kind of silly. you may have to give up certain activities to spend more time with Him. you may have to discontinue some old habits, friends, or beliefs that are keeping you from Him. you MUST clean out your inner sanctuary and spend time with Him (just you and Jesus) every day. you may for a while (or perhaps permanently) have to withdraw from what everyone else is doing and earnestly ask Him to reveal what in your life needs to go, what needs to stay, and what needs to be invited. (always remember that we cannot expect to live a life completely set apart for Him and think that our lives will still look the same from the outside...because they won't)

"to give up control." what does that mean? it means you are not in the driver's seat. the analogy i think of personally, is that for years i was saying sure God, You're in the driver's seat, but i was this crazy girl in the passanger seat who would constantly reach over and grab the wheel or put my feet all over the pedals. Jesus would be desperately trying to steer and i would just bug Him and run the whole thing off course quite frequently. i had to stop. at first i had to sit on my hands and tie my feet together, but it has gotten easier. i don't worry about where He is going, i just listen, watch and enjoy the ride. i stil have to occasionally sit on my own hands, but for the most part i have them out the window, making rollercoasters in the wind.

"the voluntary surrender...without attempting to reclaim it or give it away." what does THAT mean? it means once you make the choice to give it all to Him you shouldn't be trying to take it back. it is already His to begin with, because He paid for it, but part of free will is that we can make the choice NOT to actively give over our lives to Him, in every area, in every situation. you shouldn't say yes Father, You have everything, but be standing in the corner tightly holding on to fashion, friends, men, careers or any other distractions saying, "He won't notice that i'm holding on to this one silly little thing and He probably doesn't understand anyhow."

He understands. and He knows.






*this is a small excerpt from a very lengthy letter i sent to a friend today. it has been edited minorly to insure privacy, but i thought what God said through me here was something more than just she or i needed to hear.

beautiful people

the deeper He takes me the more aware i am of humaness. the more aware i become, the more insight He provides, but the process of becoming aware can be quite frustrating at times. seeing people through His eyes, can be...painful. it is beautiful. more beautiful than any love i could dream up, but i also see our seperation from Him. in small things. in big things. in love things. in hate things. sometimes the way we talk to people, especially those we love, is downright disgraceful. sometimes the way we talk ABOUT people, especially those we don't know, is downright disgusting. i am having to ask Him a lot of questions about why i sometimes see so many red flags in one day. He long ago spoke to me about not using certain words to describe things that in my opinion were silly, strange, or annoying, so i don't use them. but, words such as "gay" or "retarded" are very common in the small town from which i currtenly hail. they are not ok to use. i believe He thinks that. the connotations and pain that comes with the use of said terms are not of God. they hurt people. Jesus does not want me to hurt people. i see people around me who are caught up in mighty moves of the Spirit. beautiful people whom i believe are earnestly seeking His face, but who fail to love people with the way they speak about them. words are so powerful. the Bible tells us so. i know very well that i am guilty of this too. i do not claim to be innocent. i am merely an observer. God chagnes me through my observations. in james 3 it compares the rudder of a ship to the tongue of a man. how such a small part can steer an entire vessel. in v. 5 and 6 it says "likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. the tongue is also a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. it corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire and is itself set on fire by hell." speak and so you will do. He is even radically transforming the way i joke. i am really stubborn in this area. sarcasm is rarely edifying. if you know me, you can imagine how hard this one is going to be for me to filter. i also notice that the more i recognize the need for change the more situations arise in which i am tempted to negate everything i am learning. especially with my family. at times they make me want to claw my own eyeballs out. the enemy has made my interactions with them seem like nails on a chalkboard and it is only by His grace that i still damn up my mouth. for the most part. and repent when the damn leaks. not just to Him, but to those i get wet.

absolving myself of resolutions

it is christmas. it doesn't feel like it. i am growing up.

at some point during this whole growing up thing, you realize resolutions are crap. at another point you realize you have an incessant need to categorize your life into more easily attainable goals. shortly after that you realize this is also crap. God is in control. i like Him there. the seat was too big for me anyhow. i should, however, mention that at almost twenty-two it is hard not to make lists. so here goes. verbatim, stream of consciousness, new year's b.s. at it's very finest.

1. knit.
2. open a legitimate bank account.
3. talk less. a lot less.
4. listen better. a lot better.
5. smell like lavender.
6. chain myself to a piano.
7. while chained there, learn to play it. well.
8. moisturize.
9. play. preferably with small children.
10. be fiercely protective of my alone time with Jesus.
11. make people laugh.
12. get married.
13. hahaha. joke! made you laugh didn't i?
14. look at me. i've already started.
15. drink more tea.
16. appreciate the fact that i will be measuring my water intake by how many nalgenes i fill up a day.
17. hike and hug sequious as often as the oppurtunity presents itself.
18. absorb the back porch moments of life. both literal and figurative.
19. call my mom every day.
20. sleep.
21. be intentional.
22. be a pure reflection of His love.

well at least it's out there. floating around. ready and waiting to be accomplished. there is much more i hope for. so many things that are so utterly out of my control. i will not despair. i trust that He's got this. even when it doesn't feel like it.

i just realized i am moving in three weeks and i haven't come close to finishing my packing. looks like i'm going to need to start another list.

odd lyrics to find written by someone else

so live inside of your shades of grey
and never mind the sunshine
that i'll find

all good things
i wish you
all good things
come to an end
all good things
i wish you well

i wreak of turpentine and revelation

thus, if we are to continue our inward journey towards intimacy with God and experience His fullness, we must choose to walk purely by faith in the darkness, clinging to the assurance that God has allowed whatever is happening in our life for a purpose and that His will is being accomplished.

perhaps i am being made more faithful

recent lessons (that may do somebody else some good):

1. never doubt the blood of Jesus. it can repair anything. no matter how deep you think the fissure is. He is the suture. both the needle and the thread.
2. you can pray transformation and healing into other people's lives until you are blue in the face. your prayer is powerful. your interceding will change things. but they have to choose it for themselves. never let their indecision hurt you.
3. love and forgiveness are both choices. they are not abstract ideas. they are tangable.
4. when and if you chose to forgive someone and love them with His heart, He will change your life, not just the person's you've been holding out on.
5. be grateful for every person who loves you.
6. tell those people how you feel. even if they don't give you the kind of response you were hoping for, God will bless you in your honesty. and bless them with your heart.
7. love with fervor. pray without pause. worship with your life.

as the clock strikes midnight

so i wrote earlier about how incredible God is and the way He is moving in my life. and i still mean every word of it. today, yesterday technically, was one of the most powerful days of my life. so cemented are His words on my heart that nothing can ever be the same again. i know my life is changing drastically, because i have given it to Him and the process has already begun. it began a little over a year ago really. i'm just slow to catch on. and i don't mean change like, i start going to church more, and i don't drink, and i try not to cuss, and i only watch pg-13 movies, or i don't yell at my brothers. yes, insignificant things like this change when you encounter the living God, as i've said before, but you also realize that legalism has no place in the life He really calls us to. when i say change i mean a total overhaul of everything in my life until what is left is of Him and for Him and about Him. i mean, i give up belongings, friends, comfort, money, security, relationships, and even education to do what He wants me to do. in all things. i guess now, after the clock struck midnight and time turned into a new day, my heart aches for different reasons. in the wee hours of the night i can't help, but be human. i will give it up before i sleep and writing about it is part of that process, but in this moment, i am struggling. struggling to find reasons for why some things have to be the way they are. struggling to explain to parts of my heart what my head knows to be true and right and good. struggling because i miss the presence of certain people in my life. people who remind me of Him, because they loved me when i was unlovable. i know that the answers to all my questions and rest from all my striving are found only in Him. that part of the agony of being mortal is not always knowing what God has in mind when He does certain things. that is His mystery. that is His right as the Creator of all of this. i realize that my life, that all lives, are a progressive revelation of His purpose and only unfold for His glory. i find comfort in this knowledge and peace in His promises. but because i am a silly girl with notions, and because it is late, i am a little melancholy and missing you tonight.

You'll still be the One i want

i have been in awe today. of all He has done in my heart. how utterly abandoned i want to be to Him and His perfect will for my life. even when things seem messy or out of control, which they are without Him, He shows me this undying, unwavering, love and commitment. even when things are good and i am at peace with my decisions and the decisions that have been thrust upon me, He is there smiling at me and sharing in my joy. He is unlike any person, man or woman, i have ever come in contact with. or ever hope to come in contact with. today i can't help but cry. hot tears streak my face at every turn. the smallest things send me into a place of quiet reflection where my reverance and gratitude are overwhelming. i want my actions, my words, my heart, my relationships, and my life to be a pure reflection of His love. for others, for the world, for myself. i am beginning to realize how short my time is here. how fast it all goes and how it is but a breath compared to eternity. i truely long to be there with Him. looking into His sweet, sparkling, endless eyes always. not just for moments. i saw something today that so accurately portrayed my life up until this point that i could not help but fall to the ground. in one day i have been taken over by the urge to bow down, cry, rise up, shout, sing, run, jump, laugh, cry some more, get on and off my knees, and praise Him with everything in me, until i am exhausted. and then do it all again. how has it taken me this long? i must count every day as lost that was not spent loving Him like this. every day.

found this in my journal today and i mean it more now than ever...

i have sought Your face

in the masks of devils.

i have searched for joy

in places i should flee.

i will no longer substitute Your presence

with their watered down offerings.

11-22-07