as the clock strikes midnight

so i wrote earlier about how incredible God is and the way He is moving in my life. and i still mean every word of it. today, yesterday technically, was one of the most powerful days of my life. so cemented are His words on my heart that nothing can ever be the same again. i know my life is changing drastically, because i have given it to Him and the process has already begun. it began a little over a year ago really. i'm just slow to catch on. and i don't mean change like, i start going to church more, and i don't drink, and i try not to cuss, and i only watch pg-13 movies, or i don't yell at my brothers. yes, insignificant things like this change when you encounter the living God, as i've said before, but you also realize that legalism has no place in the life He really calls us to. when i say change i mean a total overhaul of everything in my life until what is left is of Him and for Him and about Him. i mean, i give up belongings, friends, comfort, money, security, relationships, and even education to do what He wants me to do. in all things. i guess now, after the clock struck midnight and time turned into a new day, my heart aches for different reasons. in the wee hours of the night i can't help, but be human. i will give it up before i sleep and writing about it is part of that process, but in this moment, i am struggling. struggling to find reasons for why some things have to be the way they are. struggling to explain to parts of my heart what my head knows to be true and right and good. struggling because i miss the presence of certain people in my life. people who remind me of Him, because they loved me when i was unlovable. i know that the answers to all my questions and rest from all my striving are found only in Him. that part of the agony of being mortal is not always knowing what God has in mind when He does certain things. that is His mystery. that is His right as the Creator of all of this. i realize that my life, that all lives, are a progressive revelation of His purpose and only unfold for His glory. i find comfort in this knowledge and peace in His promises. but because i am a silly girl with notions, and because it is late, i am a little melancholy and missing you tonight.