it's been

almost three years and when i ran across your picture today i shook my head and realized that i still cannot believe you are dead.

and i probably never will.

speak no evil

sometimes i am such a royal ass! i say the opposite of what i mean. and make people i genuinely like and want to spend time with feel awkward and unsure. and it's not even like i'm actually mean. just passive aggressive. because whenever i meet someone that i actually dig (we're talking about a boy incase you haven't caught on) and my pride is threatened in anyway, i react to their often earnest attempts in the lamest way. (i promise i didn't vocalize any of this to him) but i'm mad that he doesn't call and then mad when he does, because it's so late and the phone he's talking on has crap reception and he sounds like a broken intercom at a late night fast food joint. "i said no cheese! not mo' cheese!" and when we get off the phone, with him trying to tell me he'll call me in the morning through all the static on his end and all the bullshit on mine, i realize what i meant to say was, "i got the dumbest grin on my face when you called. it is so good to hear your voice. i really could have used one of your hugs today. yes, i'm so stoked that you're in town. of course i want to hang out. i'm glad practice went well and am excited you have so many shows booked in the area. it means i get to see more of that handsome face. have a terribly fantastic night and call me in the morning."

damn.

i am going to be the girl he fell for three months ago when he calls in the morning. if he calls. i wouldn't call me if i were him. god, i hope he calls.

shhhh...

'a doubt comes to lie at the back of my mind that i'll offer You me and You'll politely decline.'

am i any good at this? this messy live-love-bring light to the darkness thing? i very much dislike the days that i question Your purpose in me. it gives me really heavy boots.

in other news i am really enjoying the idea of guerilla gardening...

the more

questions asked of me about who you are and what it means to believe in you, the closer i get to vocalizing and understanding my own brokenness. everyone's brokenness. our collective. seperation. from what you meant to do in the beginning. and the more i believe in grace. and unity. and the love that surpasses all understanding. mine or anyone else's. and the more i am convinced against legalislating morality or ostracizing any single person or groups of persons who do not fit into some man-made mold. i think i know somewhere in my heart that we are here to build upon the kingdom in whatever small way we can and to recognize and cultivate beauty where hardened hearts are blind to it. and that we as a creation are bigger than these earthly bodies or earthly woes. to quote 'the last unicorn' (because i can't help it) when the magician accidentally turns the unicorn into a woman to save her from the red bull, her reaction "what have you done to me? what have you done to me? i can feel this body dying all around me." and his response "it's only for a little while. i promise you. soon you'll have your true shape back. forever." make me ache for the day when the ultimate truth and our true makings will be revealed to all and we will meet you and see the beauty of the struggle in getting there.

get hip to this

i watch this on repeat. i can't even help it.

oakland rain

you



me



opposite sides
of the tracks
is a bit of
an understatement
wouldn't you say?
i want to know
you and your marks
i want to spend
hours investigating
the ink in your skin,
the stains on your sheets
and the rifts in your heart
left by other girls
and make you bandages and breakfast



he swaggers when he steps
as the gutters fill with water
rushing. gushing. symphony of sounds
city songs, i call them
and i close my eyes
take a breath
take a step onto MLK
his fingers are covered
blood red paint splattered
i see evidence of his deviant
art on every corner of this city
i walk alone save his watchful eye
the drops drop bigger than before
hood up. quicken your toes girl
heavy bags. arms sigh as i reach his street
drip. drop. splash. puddles. ruined boots
to the iron clad front stoop
i'm going to need a key
to more than just his door.

and a clean pan for these eggs.

the last unicorn

dear god,

thank you for life. and breath. and air. and family. and hearts. even when their beats are irregular. thank you for letting me witness people's wake up calls. and second. third. tenth. or one hundreth chances. thank you for warm showers. clean water. food aplenty. and your timing. for intuition. and understanding. for stars. and rain. and sunsets. for putting us on our knees when we think we don't need you. and helping us stand when we don't stand a chance. we can't ever repay you. thanks for not expecting us to.

love, me
xoxo

tonight is full of

sush with the bro.
good talks.
great laughs.
brotherly advice.
cousin home safe.
no call.
don't care.


life gets sweeter every minute.

today is full of

passive aggressive punk-rockers.
working. two jobs. back-to-back.
staff meetings and missed trains.
something that resembles snow on the ground.
blue boxes with gold foil.
and an upset stomach.




i'm finding my purpose in the mundane.
and trying my damndest to let go of my need for control.

i love

-moments of unexpected honesty with someone i love.
-driving at night.
-listening to my ipod on shuffle and realizing that if i weren't me, i'd still be friends with me based solely on my musical tendencies. i've got some good stuff on that thing!
-getting lost by myself.
-finding my way again. mostly by myself.
-friends who call and laugh at me in the middle of me being lost. because i can't stop cursing at misleading road signs.
-impromptu singing sessions to Jesus. on a country road. at the top of my lungs.
-getting a phone call that plasters a cheeky grin on my face in the middle of writing this.

this brought to you by the fact that i am actually dumb enough to get lost coming home from modesto. and that i am actually resourceful enough to enjoy finding my way home.

v8

i love the stuff. especially with tapatio and pepper.

he was having dinner with his mother.

in other news. i love my cousin for many reasons.
like saturday nights in:

infomercials

why does the temperpedic guy assume i have a partner to share my mattress with? and that i would disturb said partner with my tossing and turning if infact we did share said mattress? temperpedic guy-you make me feel lonely. especially when i shared magic kisses with a previously mentioned "he" last night and we were supposed to hang out again tonight. but i'm at home. blogging. i'm sure i'll find out tomorrow that there is some legit excuse as to why we're not together right now. but still...


barf.

sooner than soon.

he just called. again. to say goodnight. swoon.

goodnight room. goodnight moon. goodnight cow jumping over the moon. goodnight light, and the red balloon. goodnight stars. goodnight air. goodnight noises everywhere...

sushi and smiles

i got off work feeling sorry for myself. rather, i was feeling sorry about myself. sometimes i regret the way i respond to people who obviously care about me. i was worried that i'd been too nonsensical for him to call. so i took myself out. to the sushi place downtown. you ever have the feeling that you need to know you are worthwhile, even though you don't know that is what you are feeling until a stranger shows you that you are? that is exactly where i was when i walked through the doors. i sat down at the sushi bar and ordered myself a feast of edamame, salmon and tuna sushi, and a salmon-ginger roll. and then the affirmations just started rolling in. first the sushi chef offered me kaiso salad with a wink, "just because. eat! eat!" and then the waitress called me her "little lady" in broken english and offered me a free helping of miso soup. and then. as if the japanese lovin' wasn't enough. a father/son duo, tranplants from L.A. (and a handsome duo at that) offered me a shot of sake and a compliment, "you look like the perfect sushi partner. why are you here alone? come! take a drink with us, we have plenty!" "kampai!" we all shouted as the waitress took a shot with us too and all was well in my world. the chef talked to me quite a bit. he hopes to retire soon, as he has been in the restuarant business for many years, his last establishment being this one here in sonora. he asked me many questions and what is more, is that i could tell he was genuinely interested in my answers. we had trouble understanding eachother through our foreign pronunciations, but we talked as clearly and as simply as possible to one another and we looked at eacother with care. a sweet old man. he told me to come back often and that he would make me anything i wanted "to suit your tastes." the sake boys left and said they hoped to see me over sushi again soon. i slowly finished what i could and boxed up the rest. i left with red cheeks, feeling much better than i had only a couple of hours before.

and he called. i helped him make pasta over the phone. and we laughed. about the sugar he spilled all over the counter while trying to make iced tea. about his dog growling at him for attention in the background. and yes about how nonsensical i can be. but he said it was cute. and that he'd call again soon.

all sushi and smiles here in california.

long distance phone calls

i'm feeling less invincible than i was yesterday. but my outlook is still positive. one of the great joys of my life is nights like tonight when my brother and i huddle around a phone in columbia, california and the rest of our family huddles around a phone in dresden, ohio and we exchange songs. we don't talk too much, but instead connor and i pull out the guitar and the banjo on this end and tygar pulls out his guitar on the other and mom listens in as we exchange songs. songs we've learned. songs we've written. and we sing to eachother. until the three hour time difference forces ty to announce that he must wash his face and hit the sheets. it reminds me of nights when we shared the same space and played until our eyelids grew heavy. goodnight my dear family. however dysfuntional, i love you.

.my brothers.