"i miss your smile..."

i can't even write anymore. nothing profound or even remotely good is coming out of me right now. i feel like a lathargic sack of shit and am not really sure how to change that. everything about me feels weighted down. especially my eyes and my brain. i've accomplished a lot today, but at the same time i feel like i'm moving in the absolute slowest of slow motions.

i am caged. no car. no phone. no paints. euthanize me.

i know i've said it before, but i can't stand myself. i want to stop feeling like this. i mean i know how i sound. just pathetic. i know. self-absorbed. i know i am. i just can't pull myself out of the pit this time. and that's the honest to god truth.

i really wanted to delete my last post because i think it sucks, but then i told myself i wouldn't have erased it if it was in my journal because its what i was thinking about at the time, therefore i shouldn't be allowed to delete it or say it sucks because its just a silly to-do list and no one cares anyway. just my thoughts.

coffee and peanut m&ms taste very good together. the spill canvas and bright eyes are getting me through the day. i wonder what south dakota is like. i wonder if its very different from north dakota.i wish my computer wasn't being a stubborn ass and i could scan forms faster. i wonder if anyone that knows me would describe me as a "cold-hearted whore." i suppose i've been both, but not at the same time i don't think. i feel like explaining that my definition of a whore is much less than what most people associate the word to. but if you want to think of me as one anyway, i've given up on caring. i wonder if anyone could love me enough to have me staplegunned to their side all the time. i couldn't. the last two questions come from song lyrics. i'm not twisted enough to come up with them on my own. not today at least, although i do have my days. i've been found attractive by more people in college than i think i ever was in high school, why is that? do guys' taste mature? or are they more willing to settle in the looks department? i'd like to think that their taste just matures, but in all honesty maybe they just realize that barbies don't always make for interesting companions. curvy and neurotic women are much more entertaining. ha. i make myself laugh. i like joy. i know she will be one of the few that takes the time to read this and i think she should know how i feel about her. to sum it up, i have a "friend crush" on her. i am not a lesbian. despite the jokes and how much my gay friends and i touch eachother, joy. ha! but anyone who is honest with themselves has had a "friend crush." it happens when you enjoy someone so much that you desire a close, but completely platonic relationship with them. i have a "friend crush" on joy. just thought she should know.

the day is coming to a close. i want to stare off into space. or at a wall. really i want to paint, but i don't think that is going to happen. i'm going to go on a month long painting frenzy when i get back to my supplies and cheap canvas. i'll end up reading, getting distracted, trying to read again, perhaps bumming a cigarette to calm myself down, staring into space or at a wall, or at the blank ceiling above my bed, and waiting for a phone call that will never come. maybe i'll watch a film. one that can keep up with my thoughts. its been so long. i want to love my life again.