Monday, October 09, 2006

i wish you out of the woods

its funny how my thoughts can spin in exhaustive circles for days and then all the sudden i can't find the words to describe a damn thing i'm thinking or feeling. i think i got over the apostrophe thing. it still bothers me, but i realize its pretty pointless. i still refuse to use one for "its" though. just doesn't flow for me.

after i finished my last entry however, which i promptly ended with "i need to clean my ears," i started obsessing over precisely that. it was fruitless. i clean my ears every day after i get out of the shower. apparently this isn't really good for you, but it makes me feel better. if i forget, i worry about ear wax and if anyone will see mine. i'm aware with as much as i clean my ears there is no way its even visible, but i still worry. i also worry if me talking about it disturbs anyone or makes them think i'm gross, but i'm not sorry if it does, really people its ear wax, we all have it.

i've become someone i don't like very well. anxious and self-absorbed. wanting to bend to the needs of others before my own, but selfishly incapapble. even talking about how i can't, makes me seem like an awful person, and by saying i'm an awful person makes me even more of a self-absorbed, self-pitying, narcissist. i've always been painfully self-aware and i suppose its just catching up with me.

on a completely random note, i've been thinking a lot about the names i'll give my children if i ever procreate. i don't know why really, well there was the play this weekend ("baby"), and of course my grandmother discussing how we children were named while we visited, so i suppose that might have something to do with it. anyhow i decided i want them to have names with substantial meaning. i want them to have names that are all their own, both first and middle, (meaning they aren't named after anyone related to them) and the only name not their own, being their last, as it will come from their father(assuming we don't take mine, because i have considered it, its a good strong irish name so why not?) i want their names to come from books, songs, art, and places that have had significant impact on my life. i want to be able to read them stories of which they are a part and sing them songs that make them feel as though they were written especially for them. of course i may never have children, but if i do i hope god provides me the wisdom and energy to instill in them a love and knowledge for and of art, music, literature, people, places, and right relationship with him. i want them well educated starting at an early age and filled with the knowledge that they can do whatever they are moved to. i don't care if they are all-star soccer players, or if they'd rather draw all day, as long as they are healthy and reasonably happy (lets face it no one is happy all the time, especially teenagers, and really what would life be without some amount of dicontent? makes you think more) childhood is lonely and i hope to be a refuge for my children, emotionally, spiritually, artistically and the like. they will always be given room to be complete individuals. i guess all i really know is that if they ever come into exsistence they will be loved.

perhaps someday i'll make a list of names i like and you'll have to forgive me as they are mostly celtic names, i'm partial.

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