some times i fear i really am losing my mind.my thoughts spin in futile and unrelentless circles until it feels as though my head would explode in to a million tiny pieces.some times i wish it would.my mother would say "you make yourself crazy," maybe i do.my father's answer is most definately medication.i don't think he aims for me to walk through my twenties void of feeling,but its all he can think of to help me.can you make yourself crazy?there i go again i just verbally assaulted my own mind after writing that sentence.in order to be gramatically correct i should have posed that question as "can one make themself crazy?" but for fear of sounding far too hoighty toighty i chose to be incorrect and then berated myself for doing so.yet i allow my self to write its(without an apostrophe)when meaning to say it is.told you i was crazy.although i can justify this omission with the fact that i'm not really a big fan of apostrophes (').i really enjoy the written word, just not particularly the symbol. perhaps in the future instead of inserting the symbol where apostrophes are used i'll just write out the word. instead of it's it would be it-apostrophe-s.that could prove to be fairly exhausting and would most likely irritate plenty of people,but atleast i would sleep better.ok, honestly i'm not always this neurotic.sometimes i just obsess and today is apparently a prime example of me obsessing.
back to the question of whether or not one can make themself crazy.i think to an extent this is true,but don't (don-apostrophe-t) time,circumstance,and genetics have anything to do with it?i know this has progressed within the last few years(time),i've (i-apostrophe-ve...ineedtostopthis)been through a few things that would make a person crack(circumstance)and honestly i am blatantly aware of the fact that there are some loons in my family(genetics).am i making any sense?i don't think it matters.i doubt anyone is even reading this.i wouldn't(it was hard not to spell it out again,but i'm working on it)if i were anyone but me.not that i really like reading my own words,but sometimes its fun to marvel at how my neurosis has taken over.
all of this idiocy aside.i really do wonder some times if something is wrong with me.i guess in time i will figure it all out.in the meantime i hope i'm lucky enough to find someone who finds my paranoia endearing or atleast bearable.and i think i have.now its up to me not to royally screw it up.(i really wanted to use the "f" word there, why did i stop myself?) for fear of offending someone or for want of being "good?" if i had been speaking i would have just up and said it, that is of course unless i was in the company of someone i thought i might truely offend.or maybe not so much offend(when is that ever odd for me...)as cause them to not like me.i would never stop liking someone for cursing or doing something i don't do, but i have this constant and incessant fear that hardly anyone else wants to show me the same amount of grace.other than god of course.i hope.
i need to clean my ears.
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